In need of examples/stories/situations from those in relationships (one is H other is not)

So basically I am needing stories from actual couples (where one partner has HSV-2 and the other is HSV-2 negative), and how they are handling the whole sex issue with these conditions: the HSV-2 partner is taking daily suppressive therapy, and they are not using protection (by choice). I would like to know if any couples have passed it onto their partner or not. I was lucky and got this lovely little virus back in May. The guy that I started dating around that time did not pass it on to me, he is negative (he got tested)… which left me even more devastated. So I broke it off with him, because I felt awful about it… went through the whole “life is over”, “why me”, “things like this doesn’t happen to girls like me”, and blah blah blah. So to make a long story short… I accepted it, I have mentally healed (although there are days where I still get bummed out), and I have controlled it. I haven’t actually had a single outbreak since the first one. Been taking daily suppressive therapy ever since, exercise, and I take my vitamins… that is what works for me, and I actually feel pretty healthy these days. So about 3 months ago, the guy that I broke up with, well we reconnected. He still wants to be with me despite the HSV-2 issue, and for the past 3 months things have been great. We have sex, and of course we use protection (all while I am on antivirals). Now… we discussed having sex without protection… and we tried this recently (well 3 weeks ago). It was awful… for me anyways, and he will admit that he was a little concerned as well (even though he said he was cool with it and this was something he wanted), but I mean come on… if the shoes were on the opposite feet, I would have been a tad worried too. The whole time during, all I could think about was that I passing it on to him, he better not be too “rough” because his chances may increase of getting it (crazy… I know), and I just felt that if his penis barely even touched my vagina he was doomed. We have known one another for years, and basically we feel (and are confident) that we are in for the long haul. Of course we do not want to continue using condoms for the rest of our days. I would never have sex with him if I happen to believe I may be having symptoms or things of that nature, and I will continue to take the suppressive therapy to decrease his risk that much more. I just want to hear real life stories/situations of couples in my position (taking suppressive therapy and no condom). I can’t mentally wrap my brain around this, and I do not want to be mentally trapped by constant worry during and after sex. I care for this guy waaaaay to much to pass it on to him, and I know he has accepted this risk… but sill.. NO ONE wants this, and no one wants to pass this on to the other person. I just need to hear some success stories, or tips… or something… am I crazy????????

Hi thisislife,

Yes, there are so many success stories to be told!

I'm one of them. Many times over. Currently in one of the deepest, connected, most magnetic and profound relationships of my life. She doesn't have herpes. And to be honest, since the herpes talk, herpes rarely comes up (except for when I'm talking about how awesome our H Opp community is). :) I tell her when I feel what may be prodrome symptoms coming up and we avoid sex at those times (and get really creative around all the other ways we can sensually connect). And of course the once or twice a year that I have a full-on outbreak, we avoid sexual contact. We've developed some super hot games to play with each other when sex is off the table to keep the connection and sensuality on point. And we've learned so much about each other when sex is off the table. Keeping your partner herpes-free can be super effing sexy! I promise you! ;) Here's a video I made talking about that, actually:

http://herpeslife.com/keeping-your-partner-herpes-free-can-be-super-sexy/

And it seems that in your question, your attention is totally on herpes. If you're asking if anyone WANTS herpes, the answer is clearly no. I never wanted it. It's not something I prefer having. ;) And my girlfriend doesn't want it, either. And we do everything within our power to keep it that way. Being careful without being paranoid. But we're still together. And super happy. Blissed out, actually. Exploring love, connection and sexuality in some really profound ways. So why is she with me? Well, the answer has nothing to do with herpes. It has to do with who I am to her, what I mean to her, how I treat her and love her.

So my question to you is, when you take your attention off of herpes and onto the relationship, then what has this guy wanting to be in relationship with you? What has him wanting to spend time with you? What qualities do you see in yourself that outshine the little shadow of herpes (which you are giving so much attention and power to)? Remember that the quality of the questions you ask point you toward the answers that mold your beliefs. If you ask "Why would anyone want herpes?" The answer would be nobody wants herpes. And that has you feeling like nobody would want YOU. But hey, I got a secret for you: You aren't herpes. :) (Who you are is more important than what you have.)

If you ask a higher quality question, you get a higher quality answer for yourself. For example, "What are all the qualities that he sees in me that has him want to be with me, despite any risks (herpes or otherwise)?" And what are all the qualities that you see in HIM that have you want to be with him, despite all the risks associated with being vulnerable in a relationship? Well, there you have some awesome questions to start pondering. You see, when you focus on the positive qualities, they get bigger, more real. When you focus on herpes, it gets bigger, more scary. And all of that affects your experience of your relationships and your entire life. How do you feel when you ask the question? You're likely to get those same kinds of feelings magnified when you get your answers.

This isn't about herpes.

This is all about the thoughts you are thinking and the beliefs you choose to believe. A lot of those beliefs are societal, cultural, familiar, handed down from generation to generation. A big one is that we're supposed to be ashamed of sex (and everything that comes with it). And we bought into it! You don't have to buy into it. Empower yourself to dig deeper.

P.S. And interestingly enough, the vast majority of those success stories you're looking to get won't be the people reading this post. There's a trend here at H Opp that once people realize that herpes isn't the big, bad monster they had been making it out to be, they have gotten the support they need from here and we don't hear from them as much anymore. So know that whatever response your post gets, know that there are tons of success stories out there.

@thisislife

Hello and Welcome!

Well, I'm one who has had 2 relationships (3 yrs each) ... one I took anti-virals, the other I didn't (his choice) and both we never used condoms.

In the relationship where I took the anti-virals, the guy initially freaked out.... it took him a month (and a few talks with his Dr) for him to decide to continue the relationship. For the first few months he would occasionally ask me if I was taking my meds, if I was having an OB, etc. (He's a little bit of a hypochondriac because he has a few skin conditions already) but in the end, he totally let go of the worry and we had a great sex life.

In BOTH cases they never got it from me. And BTW, I ALSO have HSV1 orally... so I have a double risk.

Your fella's risk with the anti-virals is about 2% per year to get Herpes from you assuming you have sex 2x/wk. But get this: Your risk of DYING in a car accident over your lifetime is 2% yet you get in a car every day. Your risk of injury is FAR higher. However, with the car, you TAKE PRECAUTIONS, you don't drive it if you know something needs attention that might cause an accident, and otherwise you don't think of dying or being injured every minute of the day. So if you are willing to get in the car, and risk dying, where does that put Herpes? True, noone WANTS it.... but we can live with it, and we can do our best to protect our loved ones from it ;)

Check out this blog I wrote about this... maybe it will help :)

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/driving-yourself-crazy/

@thisislife well, you hit the jackpot. Double-barrel guru posts, just had one of those big-sigh-of-relief moments. Thanks

@thisislife I was just diagnosed with type 1 & 2. My partner tested negative for type 2.

I explained it all to him and he researched it on his own. His choice was to continue our sex life as we always had- no protection. I had difficulty accepting this because the last thing I want is to put him at risk. I had a lot of support from this site and came to realize that I am not his mother and he is smart enough and strong enough of a man to make his own decisions. I have never had an outbreak.

After doing my own research, I found out that 50% of the time a score of less than 3.5 could give a false positive. I hope that is my case and I am going for additional testing to confirm whether or not I have it. I am leaning toward doubting that I do because I was married twice and I don't think either of my husband's had it-they never had an OB either. Mine was found in a routine test by my OBGYN so it was a shock to me. I am not on anti-virals because I am going for more tests and it could affect the results.

I had to quiet my mind, get past this condition, learn to accept it and continue with my life. I'm trying to live more in the present and not worry about the future. Hope my experience helps.

Hi there I have been in several long term relationships one 12 years one four years I also had another partner for two years during a break in the 12 year relationship. Those two both knew about th h never contracted it fr me and neither of us ever thought about it when we had unprotected srx which was evrtytime. Go for it relax u r not a mess of contagious ness 24 hours

I have HSV2 and my boyfriend does not. We don't use protection anymore because we are trying to get pregnant. He has not tested positive for HSV2 as of yet & maybe he never will. When you love someone unconditionally then it doesn't matter.

hi everyone.. its crazy but yesterday i went to my house and and turned on the tv, and just then, passed a program about a couple, they were 6 years of dating and the man wanted to have a son but she didnt want to catch herpes that he had ..to conclude they called a specialist doctor and the doctor said she could have children by insemination method and for that they could clean his semen and not infect the women. my question is semen contains herpes? because I believed that is not possible ... reading ADRIAL and after watching this TV show which is the scenario to have children and dont give your partner H? is a cruel reality but is real... BTW is so weird but turn on the tv and see that is like OMG everything is about H.. im very sad and sick of this...

@inka hey thats right WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR SAY THAT SHIT..? when i saw it i thought omg what ???? but i preffer to write here and ask about it.. BUT BTW... in that case.. u have H and your girl NOT... and u want to have sons.. but your girl doesnt want to get H.. ? what do you do? insemination?

I dont know i feel is very reasonable .. love is love, but if you love someone you must have to protect from this disease .. this woman can love the man but not mean you have to show your love getting sick... i think is a very difficult situation.. i think i ll be sad if i have to sacrifice the health of my Bfriend ( in case hes not positive H) for our love.. in my shoulder all his OB.. poor guy . I wouldnt wish this on anyone

If the OB is on the guys penis/scrotum/whatever, then there is no way the virus would be in the semen... only if his OB ir right on the tip of the penis *might* the virus end up in the semen but if he is on antivirals and being vigilent about his symptoms it whould be quite safe.

and AGAIN people, remember that the Male-female transmission rate is 10% without protection, 5% (over the course of a YEAR) with anti-virals. It's ALL ABOUT being vigelent about your body. The people who pass this on the most are those who are totally asymptomatic and/or don't recognize their prodromes... ;)

ok ... it means if i use antivirals and i have sex with a guy without protection and in the moments that i can feel my body healthy i have only 10 % of probabilities of been contagious??? @ WCSDancer2010

My boyfriend does not have H and has had no symptoms of H so far and we've been together for 8 months. We always use condoms and I always try to shower or have him go down on me before we have sex. I don't know how that would help, but we do that. haha. I also make him wash off with soap and water sometimes after we have sex. I'm also on antivirals and I take ViraStop and use Melissa oil if I'm feeling a prodrome symptom.

You'll come up with your own things you do to protect your partner and it will all be ok. :) Eventually when I get married I hope that he will be willing to not use condoms, until then I will always use them. To me marriage is for life so they should be more than ok to accept the 1% higher possibility of getting it. It sucks, but it doesn't hurt that bad physically.

@murbs hii good story.. i its true.. if your man love u.. he have to accept u all of u with your 1,2 %..

@Cecibuendia

ok ... it means if i use antivirals and i have sex with a guy without protection and in the moments that i can feel my body healthy i have only 10 % of probabilities of been contagious???

No - even better than that. Female-Male risk with HSV2 is 5% ... if you take antivirals then the risk goes down to 2.5%. Add condoms and it's down near 1%. If you have HSV1 genitally the risk is even lower.

Go back and read the handouts and e-book again. All the info is there

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

thanks @WSSDacner2010 i did yesterday.. very very important all this % ... im so happy to found this page.. and.. im thinking to give it this information to my doctor.. i think is very important to other people like me here know this information... i will write in forums in spanish all about this page... i wish we can translate this page to latinamerican people.. PEOPLE FOR LATINOAMERICA NEED U. Thanks u give me a big reason to live.

Hi thisislife

I have had HSV-2 for 42 yrs. When I met my now-husband Bob in 2005, I hadn't had a clear outbreak for at least 10 yrs. I haven't had one since then, so it's been more than 20 yrs since I had an active outbreak. I began taking 500mg valacyclovir daily in 2005. Bob and I were both just tested. Bob is negative for antibodies (<0.90) for both HSV 1 & 2. I of course am positive for HSV-2 (my antibody level was 4.84). I don't know enough about how what is a 'normal' level for positive folks. Anyway, Bob and I have been having unprotected raucous sex for 10 yrs (except for my antiviral and not having sex anytime I felt sensitivity on my left vulva, which is my outbreak location), and he hasn't gotten it from me. In any case, you know that the risk from woman to man is lower than man to woman? Of course, I think maybe having had it for so long has lowered the risk since the outbreaks virtually ceased.

Be well, Judy

My story is at top of this veterans topic. I've had herpies 2 over 30 years. My husband of 20 years (we lived together a year prior to marriage )always use condoms for intercorse. We do, however, have oral sex most of the time these days and I have never passed it to him. His immune system is compromised due to chemo and he still does not have it after 2 yrs on chemo. So this is a pretty good indication it's not as easy to spread if you are careful. I just started Valtrex three weeks ago to bring my chances to 1% or there abouts. We have sex once per week these days, but we were hot and heavy for years......Prob 3 to 4 times a week. I had a partner prior to him for a few weeks who also used a condoms and he never got it from me. So, be careful and be safe and all should be fine! On the other hand, I do feel it's always good to tell your sleeping partner you have herpies, I also understand some people's reasons for not disclosing it right away.....if that's what you choose, use a condom and take anti viral.

If you're on antivirals, I would suggest explaining to your partner that the risk of transmitting over the course of one year of regular sexual activity when avoiding outbreaks is 1% with condom use and 2% without condoms. Then allow him to assess that risk and choose his preference since you seem to be okay with either option. There is no zero risk scenario, he would just be choosing between two very low risk scenarios. If he'd rather increase his risk very slightly to be able to skip condoms, allow him to make that choice. Just my opinion.