Coping with Diagnosis and 'What If'

Hello all,

First, I just want to say thank you for this magnificent site; truly is the most informative and uplifting herpes site available and has been my go-to over the last two days. On Monday, I was diagnosed with herpes type 1 and 2. I am asymptomatic, so I was just doing a standard peace-of-mind screening as I do every year. When my doctor called me with the news, I was shocked, but should not have been as I willingly and regretfully had engaged in unprotected sex during a two-month relationship over the course of this summer. I trusted him, but at 32, I should have known better, and so can only accept the outcome of my actions. Finding out has been emotional and difficult. I can relate to all the despair and questioning of self-worth that had flooded this site time and time again. But I came to understand quite quickly that I have two choices: 1- to wallow in self-pity and negativity, to beat myself up and put myself down, or 2- accept what this is, forgive myself for making poor choices and find the silver lining, which is that I will be far more selective in the men I allow into my life, heart and bed, and this will hopefully bring the right man my way.

Although I feel confident now, I know there will be many moments of weakness ahead. I have only told a very best friend, but know that all of family and friends will be amazingly supportive through this journey. However, part what makes this diagnosis so much more difficult for me, was that only two weeks prior, I had met a man online that seemingly had everything I ever wanted in someone. I was swept up in a whirlwind romance, and truly felt a connection unlike any other I had ever experienced. We live in two different parts of the world, and he had plans to come see me this weekend. There were even talks of a trial/temp move if everything panned out. Prior to diagnosis, we had discussed not having sex, simply to allow the emotional part of the relationship to progress so as not to cloud our judgement, and to make the sexual experience that much more gratifying if the relationship were to progress into something more serious. We had both made that mistake in the past, and were on the page in terms of trying something different.

When I found out, I couldn't hide it from him. We had shared a lot in two weeks, and I trusted him completely. Had I been on the receiving end, I would have also wanted to know, and so I told him. He has been the man I knew he would be, supportive and understanding and has offered his friendship, but felt that the last thing that I should focus on was him or any relationship. He is not coming to see me anymore. He feels that this time should be spent accepting and coming terms with this condition and its effects on my body and life. While I know this is true and right, my heart is broken. To have presented with such an amazing man and the possibility of great love, the love I know I deserve, even now, and then have it all taken away over this diagnosis has been the hardest pill to swallow and the most significant part of my emotional despair. I know he has felt true compassion for my situation, and although he didn't outright say it, (probably in fear if making me feel rejected) he wasn't willing to assume any risk. I don't blame him, because that's an honest choice that he is allowed to make, and I still have a tremendous amount of respect for him. The relationship was brief, but very intense, and the obvious preferred outcome for me would have been that he stay open to getting to know me better to see if I was worth the risk and become more educated about what it actually meant to date someone with herpes.

In any case, not only am I trying to hold onto my strength and courage in dealing with this diagnosis, but feeling the pain of losing something that could have been truly amazing. I suppose whatever is meant to be will be, and that this is just life's way of pointing me down the path that I am destined to walk. My journey to find great love has been long and hard without this diagnosis, and I am scared, but the success stories that I have read here give me tremendous hope, so thank you for sharing them.

Thank you for hearing my story, and sending all kinds of positive vibes to those struggling through the same.

@PositivelyBeautiful

HEllo and Welcome!

find the silver lining, which is that I will be far more selective in the men I allow into my life, heart and bed, and this will hopefully bring the right man my way.

Can I hear a Hallelujah and an AMEN over here????

He is not coming to see me anymore. He feels that this time should be spent accepting and coming terms with this condition and its effects on my body and life.

You got it right when you said:

although he didn't outright say it, (probably in fear if making me feel rejected) he wasn't willing to assume any risk.

So - yes, he's probably a really nice guy, but really??? Flying to see you after only a couple weeks of talking? Talking about moving in already??? He was putting the cart waaay before the horse and that to me is a BIG red flag friend! Your disclosure simply made him stop and realize he was swept up in the happy hormones and that he had not thought about all the other stuff like if you meant enough to him that he could love you if anything challenging came along. AND .. to be honest, if he's that far away, the odds were already stacked against you..... because it only takes this kind of thing to pull the rug out ... and the reality of what a person is REALLY like when you are with them all the time is usually a whole lot different from that perfect person you've been chatting with.

I have a theory that Herpes is a great Wingman ... so perhaps reading these two links will help you a little... but friend, I think you dodged a huge bullet there ;)

(((HUGS)))

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

Thank you Dancer,

I appreciate your perspective, and kind words. I know it all sounds crazy, but there were details in there that I omitted that makes it a little less so. In any case, the sad part about this was that had the tables been turned, I would have gone and given the situation a chance. There was enough there for me not to give up, but as you said, it's blatantly apparent the same feelings were not being reciprocated, and it's best that I found out now. I have read a lot of the forum discussions already, including the ones you have suggested, and I particularly loved the quotes string. This one reminds me that this could be the very best thing that has happened to me... yes, I just said that. lol.

"If someone prays for patience do you think god gives them patience or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If someone asks for courage does god give them courage or the opportunity to be courageous? If someone prayed for family to be closer to one another does god zap them with warm fuzzy feelings? Or does he give them the opportunity to love one another?"

The same applies to wanting to meet Mr. Right. This just reminds me that something wasn't working for me in how I approached relationships, and that this diagnosis forces me to make positive changes. This is an opportunity. :)

I LOVE it when we have people come on here who "get" that ... especially when they get it so quickly after diagnosis. That guy doesn't know what he just lost ;)

(((HUGS)))