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Dealing with discussing herpes with new prospective partners


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I want to help other people who suffer. I have had the virus for 38 years. Still going through the embarrassment of sharing with partners, but it has to be done. I have learned to keep my outbreaks minimal but it's work I want to share my story...... I have had this for so many years, the outbreaks still hurt, are embarrassing, but they are real. I had to tell the new man that I have been dating a month now that I have this. Skipping ahead after I told him, he still wants to be with me. For all of these years, I have never shared this virus, I am very considerate as I don't want anyone to suffer because I do. I was married for 10 years and had a great sex life with my husband who did not get this. Education, education, education! I know about it, I've learned the signs and I care. Most importantly if someone wants to be with you they will. 9 out of 10 guys (figuratively speaking in all these years) no I don't sleep around as much as it sounds--stay! Again if they like you and you share it and protect yourself, they stay! But be educated. I will be back with more to share.....

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Another Veteran.... YAY!

 

Welcome @Jorcor!

 

I'm a 35 yr veteran - we are working on encouraging more veterans to post here because we are proof that life goes on after Herpes...we even have our own category now!!!

 

I always say that we who KNOW we have H are possibly safer than the general population because we know what to do to help to protect our partners. Great to hear your story!

 

I hope we will continue to hear from you.... it's so important for the newbies to hear from us. Things are really different from back when we got this .... sadly not for the better....sometimes a little learnin' is a dangerous thing ... and that's all most people have .... hearsay and rumor and out of date/incorrect info :(

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

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A few things @lasko

 

Let them know you have something personal to share, and that you are doing so because you have got to a point where you feel you can entrust them with this information.

 

Also let them know that you want to start with honesty and openness, and that you need to share this with them because you care for them and this is something that has the potential to affect them, and that you need to discuss it now because you feel the relationship is moving towards sexual intimacy and you want to put this on the table before that happens.

 

Be confident in yourself and your knowledge of the facts... or at least have the handouts with you so you can refer to them and give them to your partner to take home and use for reference.

 

Make sure to direct them to places like this site, my blog, the CDC's site, Westover Heights and other trusted, RELIABLE sources ... direct them AWAY from Google images and the Yahoo groups where all the Debbie Downers hang out. ;)

 

Give them permission after to take as much time to research and consider their response.

 

Whatever happens, don't take anything they say or do personally if it's negative. Odds are, it's their ignorance (because we all know that the education about H is pretty pathetic) or their fear of something marring them in some way (very possible if they are OCD/hypochondriac/anxious).

 

You can also point out that the risk of getting H from someone who KNOWS they have Herpes is far less than most of the population because 80% of people with H don't know they have it ...and that the vast majority of cases are from asymptomatic carriers or people who have been led to believe that they can't pass it on without an OB and thus don't need to tell a partner as long as they don't engage in sex during an OB.

 

Make sure that you don't wait till the clothes are off to tell someone either (and it happens all too often!) because that is how poor decisions are made then the person has regrets AND is scared silly ... rather than making a well thought out choice to be with you.

 

Approach it with confidence and a trust that it will work out as it is meant to..... because that really is all you can do anyway ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

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Also, lasko, have you downloaded the e-book on disclosure and the handouts? Great place to start with getting your mind wrapped around how the talk can actually bring you closer instead of driving them away.

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

Helpful resources:

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  • 3 years later...

@wcsdancer2010 Thank you for great points in work through the disclosure discussion. I am in the process of of disclosing after 4 months of dating and want to make sure I have the best information I can to share with her. Could you provide more details or access to the right information / handouts for instance?

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  • 3 years later...
On 8/21/2014 at 2:48 AM, WCSDancer2010 said:

Another Veteran.... YAY!

 

Welcome @Jorcor!

 

I'm a 35 yr veteran - we are working on encouraging more veterans to post here because we are proof that life goes on after Herpes...we even have our own category now!!!

 

I always say that we who KNOW we have H are possibly safer than the general population because we know what to do to help to protect our partners. Great to hear your story!

 

I hope we will continue to hear from you.... it's so important for the newbies to hear from us. Things are really different from back when we got this .... sadly not for the better....sometimes a little learnin' is a dangerous thing ... and that's all most people have .... hearsay and rumor and out of date/incorrect info 😞

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

 

  • Like 1
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Hello! 🙂 

Yes, in today's world, sex often does come very quickly in relationships. However, advocating for what you want and need (taking things slow) is so important and can help you stay true to yourself ❤️. Those who are actually respectful of you will be understanding and accepting of the pace you want a relationship to go! 🙂 

In regards to the reaction of the man you have been seeing... that is such an immature response! Questioning if you were the one for him?! What the heck! That's just 1) cruel 2) disrespectful and 3) absurd; he didn't even ask questions or act mature at all. Herpes is a common medical diagnosis! It isn't a sin, it isn't a sign of evil or that you are a bad person. 

Also, it is important that he get tested as well, even if someone wasn't 'risky', they still should get an STI panel done (although it doesn't test for herpes, he could get a blood test if he wanted). 

You did your job-- you were honest with him. That is so kind and truthful, and you deserve a high five for that! 🙂 

Honestly, when flags are shown and people reveal who they really are, listen to the reality. If someone shows a red flag like that -- their morals and kindness and understanding are equal to yours, and they aren't respectful of you (you were respectful of him, you were honest and told him about possibly having it). 

I say you can do so much better than that chump-like behavior! You deserve wholesome kind love ❤️ 

Stay strong! ❤️ We are all here for you! 

Blessings

Grace

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