feel like I'll never be loved again with herpes

well im 20 years old now, 4 year ago when i was 16, i was raped, by a man i didnt know. i was out drinking for my first time, blacked out, woke up in the hospital and was diagnosed with genital herpes. i broke down and cried. i kept telling myself im only 16 how could this happen to me, how do i handle something like this, no one will ever want to be with me, im disgusting. still till this day 4 years later, i feel disgusted and feel like i'd be judged and catch myself crying. i hate the fact that i have something forever now by an action i had no control over. i blame myself because i gave into drinking that one night, and i was always against drinking but i just was young and gave in and of course the one night i was trying to have fun and be a teenager this is what i get. but i cant blame myself for something like that. its not fair . but i need advice because this never leaves my mind and makes my reality hard to go on with when i meet someone. im just afraid i wont be loved or they will look at me with disgust and it just kills me to feel that way.

Honey I'm so sorry. First off what happened to you was wrong and awful not your fault. That person took advantage of you. You are worthy of all the love in the world. Accepting and loving yourself first will them lead to the right person. You will be loved you deserve love you are worthy of love. You are an amazing woman who survived. I want you to know you are amazing and beautiful. I'm glad you came here and posted. Sending you hugs.

Carlyyy, I so appreciate you being so vulnerable here. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. That is where you show your strength. I'm in awe of you right now. For not only your strength, but your desire to heal. That is the first step. Wanting to heal for yourself. The willingness to reach out is one of the strongest things you can do. You don't have to blame yourself. And you are NOT dirty. I don't even know you, but I know you to be beautiful. I'm not talking physical outer beauty. I'm talking the inner beauty that shines out from you onto this forum page. You have shared that with all of us. You are only dirty if you actually trick yourself into believing that you are.

Whenever you hear yourself trying to judge yourself for being dirty, stupid, or any other mean thing, take that as an opportunity to practice self-love and self-forgiveness. Change your relationship with yourself in those moments. Be your own best friend. Don't allow yourself to treat yourself like that. That won't change anything. You didn't do anything wrong. You get to practice self-compassion so you can forgive yourself and move into the life you are meant to live. You don't know how this experience will ultimately affect you, but don't let it affect you for the worst. Make it light up the passion in your heart to not ever let this happen to another human being. If there is any ounce of wanting revenge in your heart, the best revenge is to love more deeply and more strongly than you ever thought possible. To move on. To forgive. To insist on having a deeply fulfilling life where you help others. That is the beauty of life. And you are not a victim of someone else's mistakes. You get to determine the course of your life. You are still here. And you are here for a reason. We all love you. Deeply. Again, thank you for sharing yourself so vulnerably here. Please keep us informed of how you're doing.

And for anything specific to the rape that you would still want to process with someone, I found this hotline that I urge you to call if you feel it would have value for you:

http://www.rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-hotline

Carlyyy03,

I'm glad you are here, there are many wonderful people here that suffer or have suffered the same way you do. More than half of the people in America have some form of Herpes. If you realize this and look at it on the big scale you will realize that you are not in the minority but majority. You can go into the nicest restaurant, there could be 50 well-to-do people sitting there all classy and glamorous; if you could sprinkle fairy dust to make Herpes glow the room would light up. No one is immune to herpes. It's not a dirty disease. It's the MOST common STI known. Kings and Queens & movie stars have had it, we all have it, you have it and there are thousands out there that have and don't even know it because they don't have any symptoms and/or don't realize that the testing they are getting doesn't cover Herpes. I think that if you were to look around you'd find that there are lots of people that have it that you admire and would never consider them "dirty" so don't let ANYONE make YOU feel "dirty", because you aren't!

Hugs and you can contact me if you ever wanna talk.

Ann

thank you domh21, meant a lot to me.. a few nice words like that can help someone like me with a pretty depressed feel on having herpes and feeling as if im not worthy of love.

Adrial, your messaged touched me. i'm trying very hard to forgive myself and love myself for who i am because this was an action that i had no control over, and i've been accepting that fact, i shouldn't be dwelling on it, because unfortunately it wouldn't change anything at this point and i should try to begin seeing the positives of having herpes and that if i love myself more, all these negative thoughts constantly running through my head should eventually subside and i wont allow anyone to judge me or look at me as if i am dirty, but that i am a victim and im still the same person i use to be. but thank you for your advice, it helped !

Carly,

I know the feeling. It sucks it really does. Ive just recently disclosed to some of my closer female friends and they have given me that glimmer of hope that it isn't a dealbreaker. It just means you have a serious talk that, honestly, keeps away the ones who aren't right. Ive found some great advice here and everyone is positive about making sure herpes is not what defines you. Keep you head up, things have a funny way of turning up ok.

Nick

Carlyyy,

I have been waiting to post to you and just not had the courage. I know I need to share something with you, and I thought about doing it in a private message, but you were so brave...I wanted to be brave too.

I was molested repeatedly by a step-brother when I was 9. (step-brother was 17) I told my Dad, but nothing was ever done about it. It was all just kind of shoved under the rug. My Dad eventually divorced his mother and it stopped, so I tried to forget. I tried.

Fast forward to me in college...I had sex for the first time with my college boyfriend and all of a sudden I was back there. I couldn't run anymore. I started having anxiety attacks and struggled with suicidal thoughts. And my sleep was filled with nightmares and eventually I started sleep-walking. A low point was when my sister woke up and found I had sleep-walked out the front door in the middle of the night in nothing but a t-shirt...it was January and there was snow on the ground. I ended up in the ER with hypothermia and mild frostbite. The ER doctor was kind to me and asked me if I had ever been sexually abused. No one had ever asked me that. I still don't know how he knew, but he encouraged me to seek help and I did.

I was 18 when I started seeing a therapist on campus and he referred me to http://www.rainn.org/ I attended a support group for sexual abuse survivors for all four years of college, and I saw my counselor for that time, too. I can say without a doubt I am healed, I've forgiven and made peace with what happened to me. I am 42 years old and it is something that is a part of my story, but in no way does it define me or even cross my mind that often. It hadn't crossed my mind in years until I read your story. I could feel your pain and I want you to know it doesn't have to be like that. You can heal. You just have to want it.

I also hear you blaming yourself for what happened. Do you know how common that is? I blamed myself, too. You may think that's crazy because I was only 9 when it started, but I had a huge crush on my step-brother. I loved being around him. I didn't get a lot of attention from my mom or dad, but he paid a lot of attention to me. He told me I was smart and funny, that I was beautiful. I wanted to hear those things so badly. I wanted to be held and touched. There was a huge part of me that craved his attention any way I could get it. I grieved when my Dad and his Mom separated because I missed him. And for years I hated myself for that. I hated myself for wanting what I knew was hurting me.

Carlyy, you can heal. You can be whole. Please do not think time will make this better. You have been through a trauma, and you can't do this on your own. I will PM you, but I am posting this here because you so bravely posted your story. Your doing that is the first step in releasing the shame that is holding you hostage.

I'm sending you lots of love...

Kristin

aka breatheandletgo

Hey Carly. Itook have felt the same thing no one is going to love me and the whole disgusted with yourself part itotslly relate to I've only had it since October but being on here has helped me so much during my OBs and regualr everyday basis. First of all you are not disgusting you are a beautiful woman who has a skin condition that SOOOOO many other people have in this world you arnt disgusting whatsoever :)). Remind yourself everyday that your beautiful that's what Idid. Your not going to be alone forever and you will find someone who loves you enough to not care you have it. My current bf gave it to me threw oral although he doesn't believe it he still loves me and supports me especially during an OB. My recent ex itold him ihave it and he told me he doesn't care what ihave that its not a big thing and he still loves me anyways. See its pro end that its not a huge thing. Your not in this alone you can get threw it and there's so many people on here who are supportive and could be a buddy to you to help you get threw your problemes. Ihope all works out for you :) if you ever wanna talk just inbox me :)