The stigma ends tonight

I sincerely hope my story helps someone.

My name is Jeff. I'm 44. I'm 6' 3". I'm fit, a good looking guy, and I own a successful business. I'm intelligent, caring, honest, and one of the most confident people I know.

And I haven't asked a woman out in 4 years.

I divorced in 2010. Part of my 4 year hiatus was the fact that I needed to learn to be alone. Happy alone. I had defined myself only in the context of being with someone for a long time. A very long time. That needed to change. And it did. The only problem was, once I found I could be happy alone, herpes made me doubt ever being with someone again. That's how the last year of my life went.

I dropped into a funk where I did nothing but work for the most part. I'd go out to eat every once in a while when I could force myself. Then I'd look around and marvel at the fact that I was the only one in the restaurant not in a group, or with their family, or with a female. At one point, a wise friend of mine could sense my depression and asked me what went through my mind in social situations. "What do you do when you see a pretty girl sitting by herself? What goes through your head?"

That's easy. The absolute first thing that happens is a voice rings in my head that says "You have genital herpes. You can't speak to her. You aren't to ask anyone on a date. You CAN'T ask anyone out."

And so that was how it went, for a long, long time.

Then a few weeks ago, I committed to taking my first vacation in 6 years. Some part of me on some level had had it. It was telling me I needed a break and that it was ok to take one. So I booked a week at a nice hotel on the beach and decided I'd take it easy and recharge. And I did. I laid on the beach, I ate at the 5 restaurants that were in the hotel, I worked out, I slept, I shopped, I went sight seeing, I did all the normal vacation things. And every day I would come back to the hotel lobby and pass the hotel bar. The bar was right off the lobby. And I would walk by it on my way to the elevators and that voice in my head would go through it's familiar routine. "I don't want to be there, it's crowded. I might meet a woman, and I can't do that. I can't chance giving this to someone. I would have to tell her right up front and I can't fathom how that would go." So I'd walk by and go back to my room and lose myself in a book or maybe grab a glass of wine and play a game on my tablet until I fell asleep.

I had practiced the talk in my head a million times. I had "perfected" it. It was thoughtful and factual. Any rational female, I thought, would understand and be open to being educated. Yet with all the confidence I possess in a business setting or any other social situation, I just could not bring myself to ever say it. I was so utterly afraid of how "she" would react.

Then one night, probably 4 or 5 nights into my stay, I passed that bar again. Mind you, I'm not suggesting a bar is any kind of human apex or something to aspire to hang out in every waking hour, but that bar represented something to me. It represented human socialization. It became an ideal, not a bar.

That night, the voice did it's normal thing. But, rather unexpectedly, another voice talked back. It stood up, it spoke up, and it talked back. And for the first time in years, it asserted itself. It said "I want to be there. People are there and I want to be there. I'm not going up to my room, I want to be with people. I'm a human being and we're social creatures. And I AM going in there."

And did I ever go in there. It was as if a switch was turned on. I spoke to any and everyone. I spoke to beautiful women. I spoke to men who wanted to talk to me about the Miami Heat game that was on the television. I had conversations with the 2 bartenders (female, but alas married) who to this day would remember me, not a doubt in my mind. I had an amazing conversation with a couple, him 88, her 90, who were there for the weekend AND were sexually active. And she commented that everyone I know must be trying to set me up with someone. And all of them were lovely. And I didn't care about having sex that night. I didn't care about getting a phone number or a Facebook invite. I just wanted to be human again, and I WAS.

And that was the beginning of the end of the stigma. The end of the diseased, divorced person that I saw myself as. On that trip, I stopped being divorced, and I started being single. I stopped having a disease, and started having manageable condition. Something clicked, and it was wonderful.

Fast forward to today. Last week I joined every dating site I could find. And I'm having conversations with perspective mates knowing full well the talk is coming. And if they freak out and respond to the stigma, so be it. Why? Because the last few months have taught me something. I love humans. I love me and I love interacting with other human beings. It's what evolution has wired me and all of us to do. And it is extraordinary.

I had forgotten. This stigma of herpes had me to forget how much I love to be social. And now I remember. And I don't fear anything. There is one moment to live in. And it's now. And I'm finally doing that.

Reject me because I have herpes? Refuse to be open and receptive to scientific facts? Go ahead. You've saved me precious time. You see you've taught me more about your personality in the last 30 seconds than I could have learned in a month. And you've simply missed out on spending time with an extraordinary member of the human race.

I'm back. I look forward to being here and interacting with all of you.

- Jeff

Congratulations Jeff!

Welcome back to humanity! Glad you can join and share your healthy attitude with us all.

All the best!

WOW..... This is beautiful..

On that trip, I stopped being divorced, and I started being single. I stopped having a disease, and started having manageable condition.

How powerful is that!?! Good for you!

I went through a few years of regrouping and recharging combined with the Herpes Hopelessness after a break-up a few years back. I think I grew more in those 2 yeas than I have in the whole of the rest of my life to that point. I think sometimes thing happen that force us to pull back and re-group. The secret is to not listen to the voices that try to keep you there when it's time to come back out and re-join society ;)

So how long have you had H?

Welcome aboard!

(((HUGS)))

Thanks. I am sincerely glad to be here. We got this.

I've had it since 08.

I find your story to be refreshing, and uplifting!

Thanks for your story jeff!

Its the right attitude to have even withhout "h".

Thanks for sharing Jeff. I can relate to your journey. I was married for a long time and became lost in that relationship, I didn't know who I was any longer. I'm working on enjoying and loving myself now. Arial told me that I need to date myself to figure out what I enjoy, good advise.

I am contemplating joining a few sites in the next month or two to get my feet wet again. It's scary but definitely if someone can't accept us with herpes they are not the person to be with, we are SO much more than that. Good luck and thanks again for sharing

Awesome Story Jeff, its an amazing feeling to let go and let yourself be you again. I can relate greatly to your story. Keep up the positive thoughts and great things will continue to come your way.

I've had a very mild case, dormant most of the time, for 30 years. I've been celibate the whole while and likely will never fess up to anyone but here etc.

You could consult a good astrologer... Meaning, it was likely transits that enabled this.... At some other time it may have backfired.

My concern is that if you tell someone, depending on where you live, it will spread. This may be an unfortunate pun.

That's the crux, love yourself. Much of everything out there, in context, is conditional. Heck, it's not even personal if you get me. We're all a bunch of programs living within larger programs...

@outcast

First - you are anything BUT an outcast and I'm sorry you have elected to be celibate. Given that 15-20% of the population has genital H, even if you didn't want to date a H- person, you CAN find others with H. As for fessing up, I'm completely out and if anything I am finding myself surrounded by more AUTHENTIC people than ever. You certainly will find out who the jerks are but I actually have not had any major issues with anyone knowing.... and only 2 milder things that I've dealt with. You'd be surprised at how many people have H or know someone who has and they don't think twice about it ;)

These two posts/blogs may help you see that being "outed" may not be as bad as you think :)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1754/im-out-of-the-herpes-closet

http://herpeslife.com/if-you-live-your-life-in-fear

Peace

Unbroken:

Congratulations...loved your story!

Welcome back :)

Very happy to read your story!

@Unbroken This is such an inspiring story. THANK YOU!