Proper Vocabulary: "I have herpes" vs "I'm a carrier of HSV"?

I have been with my current boyfriend for almost 10 months. We have not had sex, though there has been plenty of fooling around. I feel like I spent the first 1/2 of our relationship waiting to find reasons that it wouldn't work out, so I didn't have to tell him.... but I can't say that I have found any. The second 1/2 has been me, trying to find the right time, and the proper wording so that I won't scare him away. He has been so patient with me.... That has to mean something.... Right!? We both work in the medical field... so I don't know if thats something that will hurt me or help me, but I do think it will allow him to understand the facts a bit better?? But I do know I need to have this conversation. The amount of anxiety is causing me is absolutely unhealthy! Somehow through all of the anxiety I've managed to keep the OB at bay (but drops some lbs!). I've never had this conversation before, so I think thats why I am so anxious (obviously.... and rightfully so... right?). I've never had the opportunity for it to work out either way. I've got all the facts and statistics (thanks to this great site), but I'm just curious what the proper vocabulary is for this conversation. Do I say, "I have herpes", "I am a carrier of the herpes virus", "I have HSV-2"???? What is the least frightening way to say it?

Hey blueeyes!

Welcome!

There's the more surface level conversation we could have about the vocabulary itself, and then there's the conversation of *how* you say it. The deeper, more "meta" conversation. The *how* you say it part is the most important part as far as I have experienced it. Have you ever heard that communication is 80-90% nonverbal? That applies here, too, for sure.

And to start with the words, herpes is the physical manifestation of either HSV-1 or HSV-2. An active outbreak is called herpes. In the times when you aren't having an outbreak, you are a carrier of the virus (and still susceptible to passing the virus through asymptomatic viral shedding). That's that part.

And the feeling of how you say it is everything. How do you feel about having herpes? Do you feel like it's a dealbreaker, or just an annoying skin condition? That will be transmitted in the conversation. And all the other little subtleties, too. Have you read the e-book? Here's a link to that: http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

The e-book starts to touch on this phenomenon and how to start shifting your perspective away from it being something horrible and toward just something annoying that you deal with. This is just as much a process of self-acceptance as it is "learning how to give the herpes talk right." :) The more genuine self-acceptance that shines through during the talk, the less the shame that tends to latch on and get transmitted in the talk. And it's a process. Not about getting it right, just about being authentic and real. That sets the foundation for the most important relationship of them all: The one you have with yourself.

You both work in the medical field, so you're already familiar with the fact that we're all mortal, and that we're all susceptible to bugs and viruses. That's a bonus that should help out. Also, you've been together 10 months and it sounds like your relationship is built on a lot of things beyond sex; that means you've got a solid foundation that isn't ruled by emotion and lust. Big bonus points there.

So, why are you nervous? It's clear there's a substantial relationship between the two of you, and you should go into the discussion confident about that.

As far as vocabulary, it's whatever you feel comfortable with. If you've got a witty sense of humor, use that. If you like it cold and medical, stick with that. Use the information and present it in a way your partner's personality will respond to. I'll give you odds that it's not even going to be a blimp on the radar of your relationship; and I'm willing to bet it will actually bring the two of you closer together.

Now, I've actually worked up a stand-up routine to disclose. I make lots of jokes in my disclosure. Now, if I can actually find someone to disclose to because my mirror is getting tired of hearing the same old routine every morning...

THE OG-> Adrial, & Herry The Herp:

Thank you both for responding so quickly. I think part of the reason I'm so nervous, is b/c I'm not 100% ok with having this virus (but who is). I seriously go back and forth on a day to day basis about how I feel about it. One day I think it's not that big of a deal, and its just annoying, and the next day I feel absolute shame and disgust. In other words, one day I'm logical, and the next.... Emotional (clearly a woman). I was so young when I was diagnosed, and I feel like the foot loose and fancy free sex life I want and deserve... was ripped right out from under me. I know I am also to blame for not protecting myself... I was young, dumb, and full of denial and thought something like that would/COULD, never happen to me.... #wrong!!! I'm now realizing that this is something that can happen to people from all walks of life. I guess I still feel some shame about it... even 8 years later. I mean....I have avoided long term relationships for the last 8 years, so I wouldn't have to tell anyone! In case you can't read between those lines...let me be more clear ..........................................................................................................................................I HAVENT HAD SEX IN 8 YEARS! whaaaaaaaaaat!?!?!?! (<---- so wrong! so long!!!). I really am a very confident persons (and QUITE the catch if I do say so myself)... but this is always lingering in the back of my mind.

The option to stay or walk away was taken away from me by a man (I'm using that term loosely) I thought I could trust.... But I'm sure everyone else he was sleeping w/at the same time felt the same way! Obviously telling him is a MUST and the right thing to do. I want to give him the opportunity to make the decision and have the choice I wasn't fortunate enough to have.... I'm just scared he'll chose the latter rather than the former.

Sidebar: I'm concerned that I've wait to long to tell him. What if he thinks "I just wasted 10 months of my life for nothing"?!?! :(

Herry: I am indeed quite witty and would love to hear some of this stand-up you've devised.

Thanks again guys,

- Blueeyes

P.S. being vulnerable is something I ride the struggle bus w/.

@blueeyes

Sounds like you have a great man there... he deserves to know this about you and as Herry said, being in the medical field *should* help you because you can get him facts and stats and he'll understand that. Could he walk away? Sure. But that could happen if he suddenly found out about your bat-shit crazy ex too ;) . H is just another deal breaker, but for most people who understand unconditional love, it's just another thing to learn to work around... along with PMS and mother-in-laws ;)

So stop depriving yourself. Tell the guy. Get on the antivirals....and get busy my friend.

I'm going to post some links to success stories on here, and some other blogs and such that may help you to prepare for the talk.

And vulnerability is something most people struggle with, until they learn just how freeing it is. Yes, people can be cruel, but once you understand that their actions speak volumes about THEM, and mean nothing about YOU it gets a lot easier ...

(((HUGS))) .... once you talk to him, tell him to get on here if he needs to talk to anyone about his risks ... we'll help in any way we can ;)

http://herpeslife.com/keeping-your-partner-herpes-free-can-be-super-sexy/

Successful Dislosures

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2833/this-was-a-first kitcattat

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2892/first-disclosing-talk-with-a-new-guy-so-relieved Figuringthisout

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2879/rekindling-an-old-flame Valkyrie

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3021/successful-herpes-disclosure Starsinhereyes

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3036/i-had-the-herpes-talk-and-he-said- thisisgoingtobeok

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3439/tonight-is-my-night NSgreenville

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2445/my-success-story simplyme24

@wcsdancer2010

Thanks for the links and words of encouragement! I'll keep you guys posted!

Also.... I have OB once maybe twice a year. My doctor said since it was less than 6 I don't really need suppression therapy.... I take valtrex episodically. What is your opinion on that?

That is for you and your guy to discuss. I've done both and not passed it on but if he is concerned, I'd at least take the meds for a year or until you are both sure that your relationship is solid no matter what happens .....

@Adrial (Mr. H Opp) @Herrytheherp @wscdancer2010 :

Ok- So currently I'm having an "I feel confident enough to share this w/ him" moment. So.... I'm thinking tomorrow is the day. I'm not going to lie.... I've had these bouts of confidence about this before and chickened out... actually its been going on for about 5 months now (smh!)..... BUT I'm having an, "It's really not THAT big of deal moment.... I'm pretty amazeballs, so it's going to be ok... why wouldn't it be?! He would be stupid to let me go" moment (just trying to boost the ol' confidence). Of course I will keep you guys up-to-date. I hope that one day, you are able to use my story as a "success story" to give others the courage i've needed for so long! Put some (LOTS!) of positive thoughts and energy out there for me... please and thank you!

Sending "positive" vibes your way my friend ;)

Good luck!

@wcsdancer2010

(((Sigh))) I chickened out. I WILL DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS!

You need me to text you next time to urge you on??? LOL

Get it over and done with friend ... read those successful disclosures to get you pumped up :)

I remember having a moment like this...and when I finally disclosed it turned out he had herpes too hahahahaha

@orngpeelmafia....

I really think that would be ideal! hahaha.... thats kind of great... right? I mean not that I would wish this upon anyone

@blueeyes it was a very amazing learning experience to say the least.

This was before I found this place and was relying on the positive singles forum to try and reach out to anyone to just talk about what I was going through. He was an old high school crush I ran into at a local bar one night and we hit it off. Took about two months of making out and partying and having fun together before he started to pull away. I remember if I spent the night I would sleep in my jeans hahaha I was so afraid that if I didn't and then disclosed and he freaked out that he'd say something like "oh my god you slept next to me did I get it too?!?!" Crazy I know lol I tried so many times to say it to him and just couldn't. I spent hours upon hours rehearsing my disclosure in the mirror and countless times just ended up bawling my eyes out I was so scared of rejection. so one night were out grabbing drinks and he looks at me and says "you know I'm not going to claim to know why you're being so weird but I have a really good hunch and if you open up a little you may find you're not as alone as you think" so I took a deep breath and let it all out and came to find out I wasn't as alone as I thought.

Turns out he was a bit of a jerk in the romance department but the time we did spend together was wonderful...and I will forever be grateful to him for showing me it's not that big of a deal. He had been living with h for a bit and had come to terms with it and just didn't care. He also showed me the other side of "herpes doesn't make a person" because even though he has h and we connected on that level and I felt I finally had someone who understood...I wanted a relationship and he didn't and things got a little messy. I built up this image of him in my head that wasn't entirely true and a big part of it was because I had found "someone like me" when in reality were all just people :)

TL;DR dating is tough :D

TL;DR dating is tough

No shit.... I just went through a month of getting to know a guy who seemed great - the first guy to let me set the pace and not try to get his hands down my pants on the 3rd date ( or earlier :p ) ... very polite, well spoken. Didn't care about my H at all. Thought my passion for dance was awesome (rather than thinking he had to be a good dancer for me to want to date him). Seemed perfect. Then one day his phone is disconnected. A few things were odd... and I figured out a way to Google him tho I didn't have his last name. Turns out he had been arrested last Fall for robbing a bank. :-O ... and I haven't heard back from him. Now, he may have been wrongfully arrested (I can't get any info beyond the arrest and he was released w/o bail on his own recognizance which makes me think they were not sure he was their man) but still, it's just sooo confusing... but I'm glad I had taken things really slow ... so much less invested in the whole thing and it takes time to learn these things about others when you don't know them at all to start with ...

Oh well, back to the drawing board :p

@blueeyes: I don't get on this site often but I disclosed by telling the guy I was recently tested for STDs and I said, "I tested negative for everything except HSV2. Do you know what that is?" I even showed him the lab report and a handout from this site with statistics. I told him that I don't get outbreaks because I take Acyclovir.

What happened with disclosing to your bf?

@Blueskygirl

Great way to bring up the subject. And great for you for having the handouts and your papers handy. I wish more people would do that. I'm coming to think that it would be great to have some sort of STD "card" we could be given with our results that we could easily carry it would make the "STD conversation" that we should ALL be having much easier.

Just make sure they know that even with OB's you *may* be shedding and you can't tell by looks or feel. If you only tell someone you don't have OB's without explaining viral shedding you are only giving them half the info that they need to make an informed decision. ;)

(((HUGS)))

@blueskygirl...

I'm a chicken shit. I didn't do it. I really don't know why this seems so terrifying to me! I mean.... I do... rejection doesn't bode well w/ me (or anyone I'm sure) and the stigma attached to this is not a good one! I really don't think its a HUGE deal, more of inconvenience. But i've had so much more time (8 years) to think about it, and process it and come to terms w/ it. I'm just totally head over heals for this guy (and believe me.... I NEVER let that happen), and am scared to lose him. I'm also nervous b/c it's been 10 months and we have fooled around, and I'm just worried I have waited to long. Lying by omission? eyyyyy yiiii yiiiii!!! I'll get there.... I don't have much of a choice if I want this to become a real long term relationship. Is it wrong to drink a little liquid courage for the extra little push?

((((((( SIGH)))))) :(

@blueeyes

Go back and re-watch the links on vulnerability and shame until you GET IT to your soul.

Also go watch these links (below) about rejection. That's has been my trigger tho I am in a much better place about it now that I understand it and have learned to look at it differently....in part through time and in part through understanding what our natural human reaction to rejection really is... a primal reaction to being pushed out of the "group" because the group (and in the case of females, the provider/protector of the family) is needed for safety. It's a human thing to "need" these things and we DO need contact with others.... but we can be profoundly impacted by perceived rejection from ANY source .... including unhealthy ones ... and even stronger from those who we are "attached" to.

You are afraid of losing him. The longer you wait, the more likely that is to happen, especially if you are "fooling around". AND, the deeper it will cut if it doesn't work out... AND, you are living in agony and fear every single day with this.... and it's time for it to stop. How can you completely give yourself to him and the relationship until you have this out in the open??? That's not fair to him or to you.

And yes, if you need a drink to help you to get up the courage, do it ... just know you need to have your head on your shoulders and your confidence in what you KNOW about H needs to come through, so don't over do it... ;)

(((HUGS)))

http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3 (adrial)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/ten-surprising-facts-about-rejection

@wcsdancer2010 @blueskygirl @Adrial (Mr. H Opp) @Herrytheherp @Orngpeelmafia .....

Alright guys..... Put your reading pants and glasses on... this is gunna be a long one! But if you're not in a reading mood, I'll just give you a spoiler alert... I did it!!! I told him!.... I told him AND he was ok w/ it. I'm still in complete shock!!! but couldn't be more thrilled... I'm going to give a play by play below... but if you don't want to read it all.... Thanks so much for your words of encouragement and help!!! This site has seriously been a tremendous help!

OK... So after 8 years of not having sex b/c I was too chicken/ashamed to have a conversation about my "status".... I decided last night (wed), as the night it was going to happen. I've been dating this amazing man for 10 months and it's just not fair to make him keep waiting... even though he had bee graciously/patiently doing so.

This is going to be SOOOO long and detailed... mainly b/c I hope you can one day use this story/thread as a success story. Use it to show the progression from complete terror and shame.... to success. I seriously don't think I've slept a sound night since I found out my test results. I have been so ashamed and upset about having herpes and thought that no one would ever care about me, and I would always be alone and never have sex again.... I literally didn't have sex for 8 years.... ABSURD!

OK....We had had conversation before, about condoms, and I said they were must, but we pretty much left it at that. No questions were asked... but months went by (literally months) and he hadn't purchased any. So when it was brought up again, he said he was going to let me buy them since I was the one that had the issue, and when I bought them he would know I was ready.... so a few weeks go by, and I bought some... both male and female (ordered on amazon). I wanted to make sure we were going to have options, and be safe if things worked in my favor. Yeah well.... they sat in my car for another 2 weeks, because I couldn't work up the courage to actually get the words out of my damn mouth. So again... I told myself last night it was happening!!!!! I've literally been losing sleep hair and lbs about this, and just couldn't take it any more!

We had a great day and evening, went grocery shopping to get supplies for dinner. We had a couple cocktails (my liquid courage for the evening... but not too many in case I needed to leave if the conversation didn't go my way), and made dinner together... b/c we're cute like that. So we ate, watched some baseball... and then all of a sudden... it was 1030. So I went to my car... got my over night bag, and threw my condom assortment into my bag. When I sat back on the couch he instantly knew something was off. He asked me if I was ok... of course I said yes, and we just left it at that. He looked at me and said "somethings not ok... whats going on?".... so I looked at him and said, ok... I need to tell you something. So I turned towards him and I said "I brought condoms", and he just kinda smirked and looked at w/ a questioning look and was like "ok, and why is that causing a problem?" and I said "well, I brought condoms and would like to use them so we can be intimate but we can be intimate without me telling you that I'm a carrier of the herpes simplex virus. I really value you and our relationship and care about you and trust you and want you to trust me too, and I want to give you the opportunity to make the decision I never had the option of making. What do you think?" (<--- I said that all at about 1 million miles an hour). So he looks at me and says "1. thank you for telling me! 2. I thought something might be up b/c you would get really weird about sex". Then I started spouting off again "It's much more difficult for men to contract it... there's like a 4% chance if we didn't use a condom, a 2% chance if we do, and roughly 1% if I go on suppression therapy... which I'm not on b/c my doctor told me since I have such few outbreaks that it's not really that necessary... but if it would make you more comfortable... I would be happy to do so... but 1% is like the same percent chance of me getting pregnant if we used condoms anyway". Mind you I'm pretty much shaking from the inside out at this point... but trying to play it off like it's not really that big a deal, b/c delivery is 3/4 the battle with this. He looks at me at says (mind you he's a nurse) "well, from what I know about this it's more of a skin condition (<---- whaaaaat??! insert jaw drop b/c that was going to be my next line)" and I said "Exactly! It's very manageable. I have things very under control and almost never have an issue" and he said "and I'm not mistaken a lot of people have this" (is he reading my mind!?!?). I agreed and told him a few more stats. Then I say "again, I just want you to know I value you and really care about you and think you deserve to be presented with options, and make an educated decision"... he pauses and since I don't do well w/ silence, especially when my anxiety is at an all time high I said "it doesn't change who I am, and it doesn't make me who I am... it's just what I have" and he said "I know...I think I'm ok w/ it". WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?! I couldn't believe my ear!!! I got a little giddy. Actually... I'm still giddy!

After the 8 years of complete mental and emotional torture I had put myself through.... It was gone. Someone really could care about me even though I have herpes.... Someone really did want to have sex w/ me even though I had herpes. I don't have to be alone......Pure ELATION!

Thank you everyone from this forum, who has been there provideng information, and helping me along the way. I really and honestly don't think I could have or would have done it w/o you!

- BE

P.S.... and yes.... the 8 year dry spell is no longer!!! woooot woooot!!

Oh congrats! Nice work there, sister ... Way to bust those myths you had in your head and get proven dead wrong in the most beautiful of ways. :) Feel the fear and do it anyway. With some fantastic results. Seize that Opportunity!

P.S. I officially changed the category of this thread to a success story. Nice job making it to this highly coveted list. Enjoy ending that dry spell.

Whooooooohooooooooo!!!! Soooo happy for you! Yup... you are joining my Success Story list to pass onto others!!!

GO YOU!!!!

(((HUGS)))

Yay! Super stoked for you!!!! =D

I bawled my own blue eyes out for you @blueeyes. Beautiful!!

I totally know the feeling of doubt and dread and "here goes nothing", and I went for it, with the most amazing awe inspiring success! Man of my dreams can't get enough of me!!

The most amazing thing is, my small victory in disclosure is also leading to great success in my profession life because I have become something of a fearless zealot! Not that I think everyone should contract herpes, but I will absolutely say that being able to move beyond it and be unafraid has helped me in so many unsuspecting ways, and I feel I am a better person now than I was 6 months ago.

May you know beauty and happiness beyond your wildest dreams,

-Valkyrie

@valkyrie

Thank you so much! It really is a great feeling and a weight off my shoulders. I was so terrified and it was like it wasn't even a big deal. He's such a great guy, and so understanding... I can't even begin to tell you how lucky I feel.