Calling all you male herpes blog 'lurkers'

I might be yelling into the air about this but I just was thinking... I spent more than a few days checking out sites online looking for information that I wanted (but isn't always available). Really I think we want to hear about others experiences, fear and successes. I didn't want to join anything because it would mean really acknowledging my condition, and this was never supposed to be me, and was not part of the great plans I had for myself and my sex life.

I emailed Adrial with some questions about his experiences and told him some of mine and he encouraged me to join and post up here. I really did it out of gratitude to his quick response time and thoughtful answers, but a day after I started posting, people started opening up and reaching out and I'm so glad to have this space to do so.

As guys, I think we typically have more denial about this sorta thing and don't want to admit it to ourselves (this sucks, why should I? None of my other friends have to deal with this). Most information online on this experience is shared by women, and I love having their opinions, wisdom and encouragement here (another reason to join), but I think you're denying yourself and the 'community' a chance for healing. I know people have responded and related to my posts and it helps me not feel so alone.

So I'm encouraging you guys, sack up and say something! Stop being scared. It's OK to post things up, your stories, your fears, your anger, how things have changed, maybe the successes you've had. I know there are things I really wanted and I'm hurt, angry and lost about it. You're not the only one who feels that way. If you want just post below and rant and rave, that'd be cool. You don't have to hold back. Just f-ing do it. Not trying to be a bully, but I was there and I'm so glad I opened up. Just undo the knot you got inside you.

Hope you hear what I'm saying, and if your joining after reading this, say what's up on this discussion.

And WOMEN, don't think you can't post here, I encourage everyone. I'm just thinking there are probably people who are like me and never put in, but I'm telling you the only way you're gonna hear the things you need to hear is to do it.

Bravo Just! I think what you say is valid and, from a woman's perspective, it would be great to hear how you guys feel about this experience. To know that as women we are not the only ones who are angry, fearful, ashamed, in denial, etc. To know that men feel that way or maybe see how their experience is different from our own. What I would love to have is feedback on how to have "The Talk" from a man's perspective. How can we as women approach it so that it may have a better chance of being received in a positive light. Thanks again for posting Just and I hope it brings the men out of the shadows and share the valuable insights they have as well. We all have a gift to offer each other.

I love that you're speaking to this, JAO! I do think that we as males naturally tend to hole up in our mancaves and try to figure out our stuff on our own. It's a universal thing that when women need help, they tend to reach out; when men need help, they tend to isolate. And the sneaky thing about shame is the more we isolate, the stronger the shame gets. It's ironic: The shame tells us that if we start talking about it that it'll get worse, but it actually gets better; it normalizes it, takes the power away from it. It makes you realize you actually aren't alone, despite all the bullshit stories the shame will have you believe. Sharing your shame allows others to connect to their own humanity, too. It's a beautiful cycle, but only one that can happen if the vulnerability of sharing happens first. And everyone has their own process. Lurking is totally acceptable. And realize when the right time to start stepping out from your own shadows is. And when you're ready, we'll be here. Maybe that time is now?

JAO - thanks for calling me out. I've been lurking for a little while as I was recently diagnosed. As Adrial said, it's time for us males to start stepping out.

LifeBeginsNow,

Hey buddy, I'm so glad to see you here. I woke up too early and just found myself at this site again and saw your post. You words sound so much like the words I've had going through my head (except my outbreak was brutal, and will probably leave several noticeable scars,.. damn.)

I know how you feel. My doctor didn't offer much help about lifestyle and diet or any other questions, and had no appreciation that his words would alter my life forever.

I totally felt I let my parents down too, but when I told them they were actually kinda cool about it, they said these things happen and nobody expected you never to have sex, that I didn't let them down. My dad said to "not change my son," (though, honestly, they didn't seem to think it was a big deal at all and they're from another generation and I don't think they are really aware of the stigma of HSV and how hard it is going to be for me to find the love and affection I wanted in my life.)

I've also been angry, doing the 'why me' thing, and feeling like I'm just this punching bag for the powers that be. I was pretty cautious, always got to know the person with a few dates, wore protection... and I have friends who often have one night stands, who've had more than one STD (that goes away!) and still they continue to roll the dice with there sexual health and they still get to go on and enjoy their lives unrestricted.

But!... I can tell you, there are many people with this condition that go on to get married and have kids regardless, though I have no idea how they did it. I don't even know how you date with this. As a guy I feel I've learned you gotta be a little forward, and I don't know how to do that when I feel like I'm 'tricking' the person that I'm a great catch and then dropping the 'disclosure' bomb on their heads. But, we are both new at this so it might just take a minute to figure it out. We're on the same boat, and I'm glad you spoke up.

Like the name, by the way.

-Just

Just - thank you for having the courage to post your story. It gave me the nudge I needed to start posting. You have already helped one person (me) get started on beginning a new phase of life.

Hey you guys...it has been awesome reading your thoughts, thank you so much for posting. Like WD I appreciate hearing how you feel about having H..and seeing that you are really no different in the fear, the shame..being angry and having a whole roller coaster of emotions too.

I totally get how you feel about dating Just...I feel the same way and I am a woman! Must be so much harder for you guys when the cultural norm is for you to ask us out. I find I sometimes avoid eye contact with men because I feel I am tricking them... ( and I know I am a great catch ;-)! ) and its just a matter of time before I have to burst the bubble and deal with the disclosure. I have disclosed to several men in the last year...and found it's easier to get it out of the way as soon as I can so I don't have to feel like the elephant is bursting to get out of the room every time I see them.

But you know what..I chose to be with an H+ man...and it didn't feel like a bomb when he told me (I already had HPV). I thought enough of him that he was more important than H. We aren't together now and I was dating another guy when I was diagnosed..told him the same day and he was amazing (we went to being friends, my choice - and we still are ). I then met another not long after and when I disclosed he told me he had had it too for 25 years...that ended because he hadn't go over his ex. It has been so helpful to me to have been with two men who have H...their experiences and feelings about H were very different and both of them had no where to share them 25 years ago.

I am really glad you both posted and for any of you guys there who are just looking, feeling isolate and don't feel like you can say something...just post! It's so freeing to be able to 'talk' about your experience...it not only helps you but it helps all of us.

Keep posting guys :-) x

3 days ago I found out I have hsv2. What a wake up call. I don't look at girls the same way. I used to be outgoing and the hint of possible rejection couldn't deter me. Now whenever I see someone I went to school with or even a pretty girl, I just turn away. It feels like I have "I have herpes" stamped across my forehead. Is there a trick to getting over this initial shock? Also everything I've read anywhere says that the first outbreak is terrible. I'm going on day 5 its almost gone and I'm sure it had to be there a couple days before I even noticed. It doesn't hurt or itch and its only 2 bumps. Normal? Or will the next outbreak be worse? New to this life with herpes please help.

Hey Shawn! Welcome to the site, bro! First herpes outbreak does tend to be the worst. And guys tend to have less intense outbreaks, too (women have more mucous membranes down there, you see ... lil anatomy lesson for you). ;) I feel sad hearing you don't see girls in the same way. Having herpes doesn't have to mean that your life is horribly changed forever. (Unless you want it to.) Just know that 90% of that is in your head and in your own self-judgments. And by the way, I know that feeling well. I struggled with that for many years after my initial herpes diagnosis. And it doesn't have to take that long for you! That's why I started this whole Herpes Opportunity thing: to get people like you to really get that most of the stigma and rejection starts in our own heads. When we get our heads right, our lives follow. Tips and tricks are what you're wanting? Sure. Learn to love and accept yourself fully. ;) The more places you see shame showing up in your experience of yourself, those are all opportunities to accept yourself more fully. More self-acceptance = more wholeness. And the more whole we are, the less we're broken down by a simple little skin condition named herpes (or anything else in life that might normally get us down). Will you be coming to the weekend seminar/workshop in January? Listen to the interviews on this page to get all hyped up about it: http://thehopp.com

By the way, JAO, we should rename this thread "The Herpes Men's Group" or something. ;) I love that you called this tendency out (for guys to tend to isolate to lick their wounds instead of reaching out for support). I love that you put yourself out there like this and are helping guys come out into the light.

Adrial, thank you for this page and words of kind wisdom. This page is the first place or time that I've told anyone about this new chapter.

Hey Shawn, welcome! And thank you for sharing and reaching out for help. That is such a positive step in healing. The more you can reach out and talk to others in the same boat, the more you realize that this herpes thing can actually be such a blessing. At first it feels like the bottom of your world just left you, but as you go on and reach out as you are, meeting people who can love and support you through this and help you love and accept yourself, you will see what an amazing journey herpes has offered you. You will never be the same again, but in a good way. You will become stronger, more accepting of others and in the process learn to love and accept yourself in ways you never would have been able to before. I encourage you to keep reaching out, sharing and finding people who you can really relate to on here and in your life. It is such a gift and a blessing to find that kind of friendship and turn what seems like the worst thing ever into something amazing.

I was always a very optimistic person. Talking to you guys is like a breath of fresh air.

I still believe that you are still an optimistic person, Shawn. It just might be covered up now by some poopy-colored shame. And shame can be cleaned up. Then you can be that breath of fresh air for others. It's not as far off as you may think, bro. ;)

hi, im glad to have found your post but realized its been years since someone replied. im also very interested to hear from other men's experience. I recently got my results, with hsv 2 showing at 1.04 equivocal. my doctor as well as others who have replied to my initial post have pretty much said that im positive already. my exposure was back in feb where i had unprotected oral. i had vaginal sex with condom but she rubbed her vag against my penis before putting the condom on. not sure if ive had outbreaks. i remember having an itch on the hairy patch above my penis. no rashes, lesions or pimples or bumps. i also had a rash on my leg that took weeks to disappear. im having another test on may 9 cause i cant live having an equivocal result.