Ever been here? Newly diagnosed, world is horribly & ironically falling apart around me

SO, This is a long post and I apologize, but I gotta pour my guts out somewhere.

Hey and thanks for putting up the site. I'm a recently diagnosed (1 month in) male of 27 years, and it's been really hard on me. I wanted a fulfilling and open sex life for myself and wanted to meet different people and find out what works for me and what I can mean to others. I feel like my best relationship is now behind me and I have a long lonely life of shame to live as I watch everyone enjoy their best years. I know I'm supposed to stay positive, but I'm having trouble.

I'm not trying to give my life story or ask what you'd do (though I'd definitely ask what you would do) but I was wondering if you've dealt with these mind traps where there seem to be no options. I'm trying to see the 'opportunity' but all I see is big steel clad dead ends.

I had a 7 year relationship with the love of my life and we separated on the most loving terms because we both needed to grow and identify with ourselves as individuals while we were young, and I had been hoping when the time was right and we were older and ready that we could make it happen for real (only girl I've ever thought I could raise kids with when I would be ready), so now I'm afraid that's gone forever. We had enjoyed years of safe, care-free, youthful, monogamous & condomless (sob) sex. I became 'marked' after we took our time apart, and though she may still love me and I know she won't judge me, why would she come back now that it can never be like it once was?

Meanwhile, the biggest crush of my life (the one who got away!) moved back into town and has been calling me to hang out, and now, for the first time in a decade of knowing them, I HOPE they want to be JUST friends! I won't be ready for a while to even consider disclosing not just psychologically but physically. (On a side note: because I have eczema, which aggrandizes the infection, I'm scared of having scars too now. Imagine that! telling some one you have herpes and whipping out a scarred member! A month in my lesions are just healed up but I got patches all over of lighter, pinker skin that looks like that Micheal Jackson disease. Does that always heal up and on severe outbreaks you just have to wait it out longer?)

On top of that, I'm in the San Francisco Bay Area and I see or meet beautiful women all the time, and they have plenty of options and often have to bat away men, so this is a hard thing to deal with if you have this stigma, and I see why so many people don't disclose (but the thought of being THAT guy is probably scarier to me than being ridiculed). I know it's all in my head and no one knows what the future holds, but I am dealing with the biggest feelings of loss I've ever had in my life, and it's not something you can just tell anybody! whew... should take a breath after that one.

You ever been here? I'm still at the place where it seems impossible to be with anyone, even down the line. I don't see any conceivable possibility. Who hasn't been trained to not have sex with someone with an STD?! Even so if someone did take the chance, how could I put someone at risk, especially if I genuinely care about them? For example, I'm imaging disclosing to someone like my aforementioned long time crush who has recently come back into my life, and what if they were ok with being intimate (fat chance!) and they got it and then they had to explain to their family and friends, who I know, about how I gave it to them. Pretty bad, right?

Negative affirmations flood me when I think about any outcome. What do I do if she showed interest? I have no idea, if I'll even be ready mentally or even if I'll still have scars physically. Should I just cover and say I'm going through a tough time [in the last few months I was laid off, separated with my long time girlfriend, and my loving dog passed away, all before this happened] and that I just need a friend and thus deny myself the chance to be with someone I've always wanted. (ouch!) I'm sure an amazing and strikingly beautiful girl like this has a lot to look forward to in life and her risking an STD is probably not gonna happen. Otherwise, I could chance it and tell her and risk her thinking of me differently or be instantly turned off by me forever (that would hurt, though I know she'd still be a friend and would at least be someone I could trust and talk to, though it would kill me to make myself dirty or lose my 'attractive' status if it actually WAS there). OR let's just say this amazing person, who has plenty of other interested people, for some reason took a chance on me, and actually contracted my disease (also UNthinkable). AT BEST, she's ok with the risk and we enjoy a brief time together and I have let her go on her way before anything happens to her, buuut.....that's a big risk for her to take on what would have most likely been a casual-sexual-tension-breaking relationship within our ongoing friendship (which I think we both value) and I, honestly, don't think she'd be comfortable with taking that chance. The best of these seem like watered down substitutions for something that I really wanted. At this point, I wish I could just get even ONE chance to express myself and my 9 years of long drawn out feelings for her physically in a night of care-free child-like giddy passion, but right as the stars lined up for me, this happened.

Additionally, opening up to talk about this and trusting people is gonna be hard for me. My giver was someone who was educated, sweet, well-traveled, involved in philanthropic non-profit causes and environmental work, and someone about whom all my friends said "dude, she's hot and actually a sweet girl, she's relationship material." I never would never have guessed, so to the point when I was diagnosed I was actually worried I somehow gave it to her. When we were getting intimate, I asked if she had been tested and she said she was and was fine, which was probably true at the time of the test, but since then she had had unprotected sex with someone else a short time before me and did not mention it, stating only that she tested and was 'disease-free.' The night she was with me was right before her primary outbreak (she later admitted that she felt it the next day, mine came just a couple days after that). We were protected, but as cruel fate would have it, it tore and I don't even know how long it was before I noticed, and when I did I wasn't worried because of her 'supposed status.' I was just glad that I noticed before climax and risking conception, and threw another one on. Note: To the makers of that condom with the white wrapper and the red square or leaf logo in the middle... FUCK. YOU. (Ha! I know I can't blame anyone, but feels good. I'm one of those regretful brats who considered myself a responsibly sexually active person (never had a one night stand, never had full on intercourse with someone I went home with, and usually waited a couple of dates) especially when I see my more reckless friends contracting nothing or getting the ones that at least go away. pretty standard jealousy and bargaining really...)

I just wanted to know if it ever became this monumentally ironically horrible in your mind, because while this is a common thing, I feel a little extra screwed right now given the timing and circumstances of contracting it, and my most developed desires for myself are going up in flames. Still, I can't turn away from the chance to be better, and be courageous in my actions. I mean, I think I sorta am facing my biggest fears right now, so what else can anyone even do to me? (knock on wood). I also read some stories where people had it a lot worse, I know, but I'm still coping with the things that I really wanted that I'm losing and what they meant to me. Well, thanks for reading if you did, sorry its so long. Honestly, I'm glad that I have just been able to write it out. Thanks again, Adrial.

Juatanotherone...(and we will have to do something about that username because it sucks...and don't think I don't mean it. I've done it before. I get shit done around here...). ;)

Anyway...dude. Will you get out of my head? I mean really! It's freaking me out!

Does it help you even a little to know that EVERY SINGLE THING you wrote has been my mental mix-tape on enumerable hikes by the lake near my house? And I know for SURE, it's not just you and me, babe.

You wrote so much, and it made me teary at times and at others laugh out loud (fuck you to the makers of the condom in the white wrapper...). I read it all. I felt it with you and it made me want to know you more. THAT guy is who the hot crush needs to know. THAT guy is gonna be very hard for any woman worth your time to resist. A man who knows who he is and how to express himself. A guy who feels empathy and compassion for others and shares his pain, reaches out instead of giving everyone around him a big middle finger, and oh my god...can laugh when he doesn't know what else to do? I know a dozen women, myself included, who would chew their arm off for a chance to be loved by a man like THAT.

And while we're on the subject of penises (if I were Oprah, the penis would be on my list of Favorite Things every year) a woman who gets what she has in you is not going to give a fuck (pun intended) whether your penis has a perfect complexion. Her focus will be learning to be the only woman who knows how to make it feel things even you never knew it could. So forget that. You guys should all take note...women are not nearly as enamoured with your penile appearance as you are. And the really beautiful women...beautiful on the inside and out...understand all of the skill and enthusiasm we apply to every encounter with ''little you' (sorry for the word little) are a very essential part of making you feel loved. Girls like us want you to walk tall, we want you to feel like a rock star, and like your penis is the only penis for us. EVER. And any girl who won't give you that should be denied access, as in, sister, you're on the wrong side of the velvet rope.

I am sure others will chime in to offer better advice and more comforting words, but I just wanted you to know...you are going to be okay. You are. Your story has taken an unexpected turn and it's gonna take some time to get your head around where it goes from here, but the beautiful thing is, you're still the writer! And the guy who wrote your post is just the kind of guy who can make his story end happily ever after.

Glad you're here. We're here for you.

Much love,

Kristin

You beat me too it Kristin...and what can I say - include me in that handful of women!!! Yeah Michael I'm glad you are here too and I thought the same as Kristin...what an awesome guy!

And I chose to be with someone H+ and he had just had an episode. I didn't care about the scaring (he had a little) at all...I was more interested in making him feel loved and having him know I was the best lover he ever had! I didn't see it as any more than the inconvenience of the cold sores my ex husband got orally.

I don't know if the grief of loosing sexual freedom (and I mean being able to fully express yourself freely with a partner without thinking of H or having to use protection) ever goes...I think we learn to manage it. I miss it - sometimes not much and sometimes its painful.

I know how you feel about the woman who has just returned. I have a lover who has been in my life for a few years (met him pre H), he travels and we always get together when he is back (both of us are still single). He totally accepts me and doesn't see H as a big deal...but I still do and make sure we shower together afterwards, that I am on medication, that I'm checking for any symptoms and every time we make love I hope that he hasn't contracted it. Using protection has always been a natural part of sex with him but I got it using protection.

He's returning next month and this time I'm not sure I can be sexual with him and haven't felt like this before..he's younger than me and wants to find someone to settle down with and have kids (I want that for him too) - that means if he gets H he could pass it on to a partner in the future...unthinkable for me.

But you know...I took the risk because my man was worth it. I'm not with him now but we are still good friends. So, I know there are women out there who see past H and you are the kind of man I would take the risk with. Your honesty and emotional responsibilty, your empathy and ability to express yourself...they are more important than a minor skin condition. So yes..be courageous in your actions. Your crush is a lucky girl to have a guy like you longing for her! :-)

WOW! Kristin and Lelani, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU guys so much for the support and for taking the time and responding with a love and sweetness I would never expect from people I've never had the pleasure of meeting. You give me hope and that maybe this 'vulnerability' thing does have it's advantages (Damn! Saying just that made me feel vulnerable!). It also felt great to know that you could 'see me,' even though I feel that I've been defined by this trauma, like the classic 'I am my disease' identification.

The timing of your responses couldn't be better! I woke up at 4:30 am, my head was spinning with anxiety (still hard to wake up to this reality) to the point that I made myself nauseous. After pacing around and sitting out on my rooftop and feeling alone looking at the half-lit city and thinking about all the people sleeping peacefully, I walked back to my computer and all of a sudden, I wasn't so alone. You are both amazing, strong women and your words are heartening. They make me want to stand up again.

KRISTIN,

It really does help to know that you've listened to the "mission impossible self-destructing 'mix-tape'" before. I felt like a modern day Job (guy who rhymes with 'robe,'), like I was being singled-out for misery. He loses everything and gets covered with sores. Getting laid off, separating with my long-time girlfriend, losing my dog [wish he was here now] and then getting this right as I'm feeling ready to step out into the world again, and incidentally right as my long time crush moves into town, just seemed too personally ironic. It does help to know that people have had similar experiences.

Thanks for the encouragement and reminding me that I'm still THAT guy, and I can still be desirable (though it's gonna take some time to own it again), and that I need to let people know THAT guy. Your words guide me towards a place of what I want to be, can be. Also the line about women are not nearly as enamored with your penile appearance as we are, and the "little you," made me laugh. In fact, I loved that whole 'while on the subject of penises' paragraph. Really laid it down and helped me understand how it is, especially from the type of generous giving and loving people I want to be with. I think most guys couldn't resist that type of girl, especially when she can openly list 'penis' on her favorite things, as well as wanting to 'make it feel things even you never knew it could.' Most importantly, thanks for telling me "you are going to be okay. You are....And the guy who wrote your post is just the kind of guy who can make his story end happily ever after." I can't express how your words reached me in this dark, cold and lonely place. It really means so much to me right now.

LELANI,

It means a lot to know that I can still be worth the risk, and your willingness to accept the risk to be with your previous lover, and the fact that you are still friends is very comforting. Also, that you and your travelling buddy are able to enjoy a on/off seemingly casual relationship with a loving caring foundation. Both those things, make me feel that maybe, just maybe, someday, when the time is right, that my old lover can still want to end up with me, [a possibility we both acknowledged leading up to and beyond the separation], and will see me as worth it, like you did to your previous lover. Maybe my long-time crush and I could even get a chance to express ourselves physically like you and your new lover. Your words "Your crush is a lucky girl to have a guy like you longing for her," lifted my unsteady heart with a long forgotten youthful courage.

And your'e right, I am really grieving the loss of sexual freedom. I wanted to have that while I was going through this time since my separation, and my diagnosis has added weight and pain and regret to it exponentially. I fear being alone. I fear losing the possibility of ending up with the love of my life [i'd be hard pressed to find anyone to love me like she did even before this, she was a keeper, but we both felt too young]. I fear finding out that my crush likes me after a decade of knowing them and right as things line up for us, and that I'll have something taken away from me that would have made me so feel ecstatic and alive after all these years. I can't imagine what the opposite of that feeling would be like, if the only thing stopping us would be my condition. sigh. I don't want to 'settle' either because I'm afraid of being alone and have no one to wrap my arms around (and fall into bed with) anymore.

Anyway, Well, I do apologize. I don't mean to be so dark and it really helps to hear from you guys. So on a lighter note, maybe this story will get a laugh. While in the waiting room to get my blood work done just after being diagnosed and experiencing the initial feelings of disbelief, shock and fear, the song "tainted love" by soft cell came on the radio. I almost burst out simultaneously crying and laughing! NEVER heard the song like that before. "Don't toooouch meee please!" And all I could do was sit there and just let the nurse's personal radio mock me, right in my face! I wanted to hurl it out the window. You can't make this stuff up! I have been dying to tell that to someone and I thought you guys could appreciate it.

Also, I know it's not the most positive name, but it was the best I could do at time. I'll think about it some more. You definitely got a good theme going with 'breatheandletgo,' but I'm still working on that myself. Right now, all I've got is, 'HoldMybreathAndObsessUntilIPassOut.' hmmm... I guess I'll go back to the drawing board on that one.

Much Love and Thanks again.

Please keep posting. I know I'll need it.

Hi My Sweet Friend!

So, so glad I helped even a little. I tend to do some dawn patrol myself about things. In fact, when I wrote to you, I was doing just that. ;) I wanted to feel all sorry for myself, but then I came to your post and found a really awesome new friend and just wanted to comfort you...wishing I could just give you the biggest, warmest hug.

And Oh My God...the tainted love story! That is awesome. Hold on to that. I have had so many moments of irony like that along the way and it really helps to remember and laugh. I actually got a traffic ticket on the way home from being diagnosed. True story. Instead of batting my eyelashes and trying to get myself out of it like I normally would I let my mascara run like Lady Gaga and just rolled down my window and stuck my license and registration out there. And when the officer took it and said, Ma'am did you realize you just made an illegal left turn, I said...a little crazy-like Nope, I sure didn't... but I didn't know I had herpes on my girly parts until a few minutes ago either, so this whole day has been very educational! Thanks for letting me know! He let me off with a warning. I think I scared the shit out of him actually.

I am so sorry about your sweet dog and best friend. I am so, so sorry. I know the void that has left. He would want you to find a new friend. I think you should keep your eyes peeled. He is up in dog heaven (and YES I believe in dog heaven, I don't care what anyone says. Dog is God spelled backwards for a reason) looking around for a replacement for himself. It's his job because once a dog loves you, that's it. You are his person for life. Let him send you a new best friend. It's his job and he needs to do it. xoxo

As for Job...I am quite familiar with the story and have wrestled with it. There is one verse in there I painted on a canvas that hangs in my bedroom. Though he slay me, yet will I hope in Him. verse 13:15a. So when you wrote that I made you want to stand up again, I had to go get kleenex. Thank you. That is probably the best thing anyone has ever said to me. I always say if I get a tattoo it would be the Lao Tzu quote, "Fall down seven times, stand up eight".

You can read my other posts to get a bigger picture, but within a few months of leaving my marriage of (holy fuckballs) 19 years (I was a fetus when I got married) with nothing but an air mattress and a broken heart only to be pursued by my first love so he could come back and give me herpes, I lost my job...yeah, that was fun...but then I got another one...and then some other stuff happened that I don't write here, but I would tell you if you PM me and want to talk off the boards. And you can do that. Email me any old time. I mean it.

2011-2012 have been little slices of hell at times, and yet...I am growing in peace and acceptance. I have done things I never thought I could do. I feel like the theme of the last two years has been "Oh yeah, well live through THIS!" but I have. I am still here. And better yet...I can still make someone else feel like it's gonna be okay. Because it is. It really is. We are probably not going to have sport sex again, darn the barn. The kind of free lovin' let's go until we need food and water, yee haw! sex that is fun to think about and looks a lot cooler in the movies than it really is, but we will have sex with someone who sees deep inside us and knows we're worth loving well. We will. I know it. And I am the kind of woman who knows things.

much love,

Kristin

P.S. I feel the need to add...don't let this change you into a fearful man. Fight hard. And tell me the same thing, too...ok? Only I am a woman...not a man...but you know. :) Let's be really fucking brave. Let's imagine ourselves in the arms of someone who is so in touch with their own brokenness that ours is the sexiest thing they have ever encountered. I am scared, too. But that is what I am doing. Read my post to Krisanova. I got gut honest about my fear there. But I think we can help one another be brave.

P.P.S. I am going to look at a chocolate labrador puppy today. I totally can't afford it, but I need a cuddle buddy. We shall see...

Wow this thread is opening a lot of stuff for me right now...you know, the going around in circle thing and meeting yourself back in places you thought you had moved on from? And the dark humour...fuck I get that and yes I laughed, and understood.

I just went to a show that had a punch line about herpes being one of the worst things in life and then....i can't believe this happened only minutes after...one of the main characters picked me out of the whole audience and handed me a business card (properly printed for the audience participative show) that said "Are you single? Need help? Phone.....". I laughed at the time but its kind of caught up with me a couple of days later. Yeah I am and yeah I do!

This sadness will pass but right now it sucks...both men I contracted viruses from have wonderful women in their lives now (my H man just told me he's met someone special and my ex husband has just had his long term girlfriend move in and she is awesome) and I am still alone. I am perfectly capable of being independent and love my own space, I have a full and inspiring life etc etc (and I feel thankful for that every day)...it would just be nice to be cherished :-)

I have never met either of you yet I get you and your words have opened me up to see more of myself, to express it and share it. Never apologise lovely man...we are in the dark together...and it kind of feels like we get to guide each other through it here. And Kristin I'm going out dancing tonight...standing up that eighth time, puffy eyes and all! Thanks..your quote was perfect for me. Get that puppy...I have my dog and she gets a long morning positive affirmation walk every day (its a wonder she hasn't learned to say them the number of times I repeat them)!!!! The current one is 'I am attracting a loving and fulfilling relationship with a man I respect and adore"...maybe its just stirring stuff up to help me get rid of some more negative stuff before I meet him???

Much love to you both :-) xx

Hi Justanotherone- I too just read all of your words and I feel your pain! I am 28 years old and I contracted hsv 1 orally when I was 24. I know it's not the same as having it below the belt, I promise, I understand this...but my diagnosis has really changed my entire life...my inner being...who I use to be. I am afraid to do anything! I am constantly thinking about who I was before...and how one stupid kiss from a guy who was not worth my time has forever marked me a 'cold sore' sufferer. I use to love my lips. I am suffering here lately...and no I do not have a present OB, as we all know, that can trigger self-loathing for a few days...but I think I have read way to much. Knowing now that hsv1 is linked to so many other problems is really getting to my psyche. I am so scared of something like this...something so unknown...something forever...a virus lurking inside me. Are we going to be ok? FUCK yes we are. Do we really know the long-term effects of this virus? No. But what else are we to do? FIGHT. I mean we all face something right? No smooth sailing allowed!! I don't know. I really am not saying what I meant to say here...losing thoughts...so overwhelmed. I hate this. I hate the stigma. I hate the fear. I hate the feeling of being dirty - tho so irrational!! I know. I hate that I am not the virus free loving girl who liked to kiss anymore. All I did was kiss someone! I should count myself lucky...I was careless before...I was...It could have been worse. Hell should have been. I deserved it. I just need help coping I suppose. Anyways, ALL of your words speak to my heart. thank you... :)

Hey again guys,

And welcome, Babs. I'm glad you felt the words and the hurt. I felt yours too, I hate that I'm not the virus-free loving guy who could feel free to be intimate with someone just cause I liked them and they liked me. Seriously, this probably wouldn't anything if it wasn't for the perpetuated stigma and fear.

I've read this whole page like 5 times in the last two days.

I think the cop story has to be one of my favorite disclosure success stories I've read!

Please keep sharing! This is one of the few resources online that makes me feel less alone, and makes me feel like maybe I can still enjoy my life, go out and meet people and still feel attractive and charming (though I don't plan on getting close enough to anyone to disclose anytime soon, even though I really really miss the "possibility" of building enough attraction to have sex, this is pretty hard for anyone but I feel like I've only recently started entering my prime, and my sexuality and body feel wasted). I feel like, yeah, I'll never be able to chat with a cute girl at a coffee shop and maybe go on a couple of dates and eventually experience passion with them. I haven't been looking for a relationship, and I don't know how I'll ever experience sex without being in one due to the level of trust and attraction needed to overcome the stigma. I guess it's still important for me to feel desired, even if I have to shy away or turn down intimacy.

But you ARE the kind of women who know things, and I believe you, we will find someone (though I'm scared of how long it'll be and what the options will be like). Thank you guys for responding, sharing and encouraging. Sometimes I feel inspired to be brave, other times I'm still overwhelmed by fear and regret. You are right though, we need to be 'really fucking brave.'

you ARE a strong women, and know it because have given me some strength in moments where I can find none. DON'T let this change you into a fearful woman. Even when you are afraid, remember you are BIGGER than this, you aren't alone, and even when we can't have all the things we want at times (We will, though), we still can stand up and be courageous, that's a victory that we always have a choice to claim, and no one can stop us. Also, Kristin, If you have the means, and possibly friends or family who can watch a dog if you travel, I know that having a fuzzy buddy will be a huge source of comfort, especially when your going through slices of hell. And Lelani, I know it seems like your being singled out by comedians, TV and music (I feel like no love song applies to me or my problems anymore, with the exception of 'tainted love'). It seems hard and unfair that your givers have significant others in their lives, but that just means that you can too, and you will be cherished! In fact, people already do, from this blog, to your friends who have you photographing their weddings, to dance partners, to lovers, both former and prospective and I'm assuming being as cool of a 'mom,' among other things, as you seem to be, I'm sure your kids do to. With all that there, it's only a matter of time before everything falls in place, and until then you got a place to just throw it all out there among friends.

Don't think these were on the quote board, but sometimes they help me.

"Bravery is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of it.

~John Berridge

Courage consists not in hazarding without fear, but being resolutely minded in a just cause.

~Plautarch

Sometimes, when I think about how it hurts to be alone, and feel that no one will ever want me, and that I'm not ready or the timing isn't right to disclose even if I was presented with an opportunity, I have a weird comfort in feeling like this is what I have to do to protect the people I love, right now anyway. Maybe in time, I can own this and when I am with someone I can trust, I'll open up and take the chance, but for now I sorta soldier on and take a silent solace in the guts, badass-ery, and sweetness of caring about people so much that you will take the pain yourself, rather than do something to hurt others. It's hard to explain. I'm not ready to be with someone because of the way this makes me feel about myself and sexuality, and the thought of disclosure, sex and the transmission risk just takes away the comforting feeling of being with someone, though, in all honesty, that's all I want right now. So now I suck it up and go outside when I need a moment and remind myself that all I can do now is try to still be the person I was, the one who felt attractive and confident, without the result being sex, and if I do attract someone, I can enjoy that too, even if I feel I need to protect them from myself right now. If they really do care, I can tell them, and maybe have someone who understands and empathizes even if they can't take the risk, though I'd hate being thought of as the nice guy who got herpes and what a shame. But, just having someone know my secret strength would be helpful.

I hung out with the love of my life (long time girlfriend, recent separation, good terms) yesterday. She needed to borrow my car for a project at work the next day and we met up and hung out for a few hours. When I got sick and was misdiagnosed a month ago (doctor thought it was just eczema) I mentioned that I had got something and was getting tested, and that I thought I might have herpes, but I was waiting on blood work. I asked if she could still love me and if it's still possible that down the line we can be together, and she laughed, smiled, grabbed my hand and said 'I can't believe you think this changes anything,' and 'I'm not gonna write a list of pro's and con's to decide who I spend my life with,' when I was worried about this taking me out of the running if I'm compared to other guys. Still, we can't be together now for reasons beyond my condition, and I'm scared her feelings will change. She hasn't asked me about the results and I am still waiting on blood work to confirm the type.

Being around her, was both comforting and painful. I missed our relationship so much, I couldn't help but look at her body and feel like I'll never have it again. This was MY girl. It hurts so much, because all I want is to grab her and fall into her arms and go back to the way it was. I don't know how I'm gonna deal with this. I will talk to her about in the next couple weeks, maybe dinner and a hike, but it's gonna be so hard throwing this obstacle to the possibility of ending up together. I've been so nostalgic for anything that reminds me of her, which is everything around me; passing through her area or her freeway exit, local bands, the streets I took when I'd pick her up from work with my dog and go home to cook dinner together and pass out watching 'madmen.' I think about how vivid her life seems (big social circle, goes out to see shows, knows of parties and things) and all the possibilities she has, especially to meet someone else, and I feel like that's it for me. She'll move on and I'll never find a girl as amazing as her (she's fucking awesome across the board) to love me as much as she did. Then I think about what's left, (ie: my long-time crush (argh! why now?!!) and meeting new awesome girls) and I'm frozen with fear, like life has closed up around me. I just wish things were simple again.

I think just ranting and raving helps sometimes, maybe bring these feelings up so that we can dispel them (especially with the help of others). Keep it up, we can make it, and we can make it together.

Much love you guys.

PS

If you haven't come across this yet, take a look. pretty encouraging.

http://www.racoon.com/herpes/hall/15.html#47

How is everyone? Reread everything and feeling down today....it's amazing how resilient the mind and body are...