successful herpes disclosure!!!!

I am putting this on here for everyone who's had a less-than-ideal disclosure experience (because I sure have)... It isn't ALWAYS like that.

I had been seeing this guy for about a month and I really liked him, but I was trying not to rush things physically (or emotionally). So, on our 4th date, we went to a concert and then to his house which he specifically mentioned didn't equal sex. So we were making out and I was like listen I don't want to have sex tonight, but before we go any further, you need to know something. I just clearly, unemotionally told him that someone with oral HSV1 gave me genital HSV1 and it wasn't really a big deal but he needed to know. He then told me he has recurring oral cold sores (and that's why he didn't kiss me on our first several dates! Go figure!) and was not concerned AT ALL. I actually got the kindest response I could imagine: "I'm sorry that happened to you."

Unfortunately, I also found out a week later that I have HPV16 - so unlucky - and I told him that, too. And again, just got an "OK, let's continue" response from him. We had sex, it was amazing, we're now officially boyfriend/girlfriend.

It's amazing to find someone who really cares about YOU. I also think that during my unsuccessful disclosures, I still felt guilt and shame and anger, and that came across to the guy I was telling. This time, I was totally OK with it... and so was he.

So if you are feeling sad about it, that's understandable. And OK. Having HSV isn't something anyone would wish for. But we are all still amazing individuals who have a lot to offer romantic partners. HSV is NOT who you are. And once you really really see that, it's going to help someone else see it, too. So do not be discouraged, my friends! :-)

That's AWESOME...

And btw, the CDC basically says EVERYONE will get one or other of the 30-something HPV strains at some point in their lives :/

So happy for you!

That's great!

I have a question, did you say HSV1 or did you say oral herpes becoming genital? I am looking to actually start having sex again and am contemplating how I will disclose. I am wondering about the vocabulary that people use because just the word "herpes" has so much more stigma attached to it than it merits. So if I may ask, how did you tell him? Most people wouldn't know what it meant if I told them I had HSV1 on my genitals...

Thank you! and I am happy for you!

Emma, I strongly recommend the following approach for women contemplating how to disclose their status to any potential partner.

1. Get to know the guy. Decide...is he a good guy? Is he kind? Is he caring? Is he loyal? Does he look like the kind of guy who can rock my world between the sheets.

If the answer is yes, proceed to step 2.

2. Invite him over after an appropriate period of time has passed. You decide how long you want to wait. Follow the conversation. If it's going well, smooth, and looks like it might lead somewhere...proceed to step 3.

3. The STD talk. Bum bum bum. Know his status, too. Know yours thoroughly. Talk to each other about it. Get tested together. Tell him honestly and openly you have HSV1, otherwise known as herpes, give him the stats, risk factors, realities, and show him where to look for information. That is important. Google is simply horrible. Steer him where he should go.

4. If after all that, you decide to do the mattress mambo together, there are a variety of ways you an go about that. I will allow you to use your own creative imagination to ponder the possibilities.

Vocabulary to use: Honest, straightforward, no slang.

@Emma13

I personally have HSV2 genital but I have HSV1 oral (Yeah - I hit the jackpot!).

However, the thing about HSV1 that you need to remember is that 80% of the population has it (even if 80% don't know they have it). So IMO the best way to lead into the conversation with HSV1 is to ask if they have ever had cold sores, or if they know anyone who does?

If they themselves have cold sores then you are more than half way there because they generally are pretty safe ...they have the antibodies to HSV1 so it's very unlikely (but not impossible) for them to get HSV1 down below. You can then just calmly and confidently explain that you get the thing they get on their lip down below thanks to someone giving it to you who didn't know that it could transmit through Oral sex..... and that you wanted them to know because you wanted to protect them if you get to that point... but seeing as they have cold sores, it's actually not a problem... (Odds are you will still have to do *some* education and they may have questions, but that's ok and natural if they are uneducated about H)

If they don't have cold sores, odds are they know people who do. You can even explain that 80% of people have them and they themselves may have the HSV1 virus and not know. In that case, I'd just explain that you have the "Cold Sore" version of Herpes down below ... that it sheds less than the other one so the risk of transmission is lower and you can take meds to protect them from it. Tell them that most people don't know they have the Cold Sore Herpes virus and that is how people like you get it - from a partner who doesn't know they have it (because most are not tested for it) and that half of the new cases are thanks to the CDC's policy of not testing and keeping people ignorant...BUT...that you have got yourself educated now so that you can be responsible because you want to protect your partners in the future.

Have the handouts and some links handy to give him (and tell him to stay off Dr Google!) and if he still isn't sure, offer to go to Planned Parenthood or any STD clinic or your OBGYN to discuss it fully with someone who can explain to him what it's all about.

Confidence and honesty will find you the right guy ... just be patient with him if he needs time to digest it. To be honest, I'm finding that the ones who try to ignore it at first are often the ones who run because the wrong head is in charge. Anyone in their right mind who isn't educated *should* want to get educated first...that is the sign of a person who respects you AND themselves enough to want to know what H is before they choose to stay or go. ;)

Hey Emma - Sorry for the late response, didn't see this until now.

I said that someone with cold sores in their mouth performed oral sex on me and now I carry HSV1 genitally. He understood, though, because he has it in his mouth. I have also told one guy and said cold sores and he just said "doesn't 80% of the population have that?"

Good luck! :-)