Letting go: the bitter-sweet lesson.

I try to find inspiration everywhere--not just within myself--for when the going gets rough, so much of my internal noise comes up I can't hear myself think. It probably doesn't help that I reside in NYC where the vibe is always ON, keeping the mind amped up. So I read--since reading is the greatest sedative for the mind--and often go to this website to get a lil fix: http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/10/08/12-relationship-truths-i-wish-i-knew/

I'm still dealing with letting go of someone who was very much a part of my life through out the summer; but he'd decided to move back home to Miami--and to his credit--he was very upfront about how our relationship should proceed. Yet feelings grew. Despite my (h) disclosure and his ambivalence, we became very close. He is one of the sweetest guys I've met in a very long time--not perfect by any means, we all got baggage--yet his sweet disposition trumped his anxiety and random sparks of attitude. Heck, I can give attitude galore if you don't stop ME. So I accepted his least likable qualities because I so loved how I felt when I was with him.

He's been gone since Sept 1, and though we talk--at least text--once per week, the reality of how our relationship changed has been difficult to embrace. Am I in love? I don't know--I miss his presence--or is it the feeling I used to get when in his presence that I miss the most?

What's more painful is that I can sense that he's moved on--and though he's expecting me to fly down to visit--I know that the separation has altered things. I'm hanging on for the unrealistic to occur; often I find myself building up false resentment just so I can get enraged enough to shut the door. I remind myself of how special it was and try to convince myself that it was manipulation on his behalf--that his actions and disposition were a kind of mirage--then I realize that hating him in order to let go is a childish thing, that brewing such feelings are only going to harm me in the end. I engage in self-talk and say: it is possible to let go without the rage; it is possible to let go peacefully.

For me--due to lack of experience in the gay male relationship department--to forgo the testosterone-fueled hubris is hard. Today we got into a fight over a text message I sent; an innocent compliment based on something he posted on his Facebook page. He took it the wrong way; I exploded. It was as if that little devil in me was saying: Hey! Perfect opportunity to crank up the rage and wipe the slate clean: off you go boyfriend!

I hit the 'unfriend' option in Facebook and went to the gym :\

Are you laughing at me yet? Is okay... go ahead. I need a good crack-up myself.

'LETTING GO'... in the website I mentioned above, they write: "Some people are meant to stay in your heart, but not in your life. – If you’re having a tough time letting go of someone who left you, realize that if they wanted to stay they would still be there. Sometimes you have to forget what’s gone, appreciate what still remains, and look forward to what’s coming next. It sucks when you know that you need to let go, but you can’t because you’re still hoping for the impossible to happen. Yes, it will hurt for awhile, but you have to forget about the person who forgot about you, and move on."

Rage or no rage, it's time to give up that blind hope, I guess.

Oh yeah, I did have a giggle because I could have written the same thing and have been there too (facebook unfriending....the ultimate rejection lol.) Letting go is the hardest thing and to do it with love challenges all our fears, insecurities and wishful thoughts. We all have that little devil.... (the ego!):-)

If it's meant to be it will happen again at the right time and hanging on to it doesn't make it happen, hanging on is just the ego wanting what it wants, whether its right for us or not. Letting go with love means giving up ego and trusting all is how it should be...and feeling the grief and letting that go too.

Love your posts Carlos...don't forget what's gone...appreciate that too :-)

Hi Carlos, I love your posts too. This is something I have found useful in this situation. I consider that what made me feel so great was that person's lifeforce. As you say above, that man can still be in your heart. So just try this, if it frees you up, great, if not, just ignore it. Try repeating for a few minutes, "I bless the lifeforce of x, I let it go with love". Somehow it seems to let go easier than letting go of the whole person, whatever the man did, his lifeforce is innocent. I know it's a trick of language, but it does work for me. After a few minutes, I always feel more whole, lighter and happier.

Then next time you feel unhappy again, do it again. Seems to drain off the charge pretty easily. Let's know how you go.

Wow Carlos I feel like you are just an amazing person who completely just explained my own feelings inside of my head that I could never really figure out how to explain! I think im going to print out that quote and plaster it to my door. Haha! It's amazingly accurate and exactly what I needed to read!

I too am having such a hard time moving on, although it seems like my ex has had no problem! Though he won't admit he is with her yet. I think he is waiting for the custody papers to be signed! But yea I'm too struggling to get over it and getting angry about it is so exhausting. But for te time being it works. I'm supposed to go over there tonight to carve pumpkins and I don't know if I'm hurting myself more by trying to hold onto something I don't know if I want or if I'm jut telling myself I don't know If I want him, just so when the perverbial shit does hit the fan, I won't feel as hurt!

Sometimes I just wish your mind and your heart could just be on the same page!

Good luck with getting over this guy. I wish you all the best!

hey girls... you believe in love? LoL

Thank you for your lovely words; it really means a lot. I'm glad my stories come to good use. That's mainly why I share, and sharing hasn't come easy for me, as I am quicker at avoiding, anger, and self-abandonment. Today was a productive day--spent in school--and got excellent feedback on a play I've been working on... it's the story of a Latina P.I. who is solving the tragic death of two lovers; their tragedy sends her into a place of self-reflection and enlightenment, a place she wasn't sure existed.

on a different note: During one of my scrolls tonight, I stumbled upon these articles. The message was simple, not new, and yet refreshing. Here are the links; I hope you enjoy the read.

http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/1226/self-abandonment.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/margaret-paul-phd/relationship-advice_b_1947837.html

I send you all a ridiculous amount of love and good vibes.

Carlos

Sending you lots of love Carlos x

Hey Carlos: Thanks for the great links!

Yeah I believe in love and ridiculous amounts of love back Carlos you gorgeous man...just read the links too and they are awesome. Even though I already knew it, great to read it and have it affirmed :-). Would love to see your play - I am a fellow thespian and love theatre!

I wish I could come, too Carlos!

You know your way through this...just wanted you to know I read your post and closed my eyes and imagined you standing face to face with the one your heart has longed for...I imagined you peaceful and grateful for all you've survived...everything you'd experienced that brought you there. You were smiling, like you always are in your photos. And there was another equally handsome face smiling back at you, looking at you with love. I am believing that for you.

And in the meantime...I believe in love....and I've got something to say about it...and it goes a little somethin' like this....

LOL...wish We could all come see your play and then go tear it up on the dance floor. Leilani would show us all up, but if there's enough tequila no one will notice!

(((Carlos)))

Great links - thanks for sharing Carlos!!!

Carlos- I love your words. You inspire me :-) I can see myself in so many of these posts. I've spent a great deal of time in my relationships "negotiating down" until ME gets lost. I identify with needing to get in touch with myself & figure out why the hell I do that! I am comforted to know there are others out there who struggle & am excited to start this journey.

HEAR WHAT OPRAH WINFREY HAD TO SAY ABOUT MEN :

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who have a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are. Even if he has has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending... Compromise is a two way street. You need time to heal between relationships. There is nothing cute about baggage... Deal with your issues before pursuing a newrelationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals. Look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.

Dating is fun... Even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes... When a man always knows where you are, and you're always readily available to him, he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful: Dr. Phil says... You should know that: You're the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he'll miss out on a good thing. If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he's not the only one. They're all watching you, so you have a lot of choices. Make the right one. Ladies take care of your own hearts. (Oprah Winfrey)

I'd like to add... for my faithfully straight men... the same rules apply to women! It is never a one-way street. Takes two to Salsa ;)

Yours truly,

CARLOS

Thank you Carlos.. that was an awesome read and just what I needed to hear. Not just about herpes, but the way my life has been going in general lately! Thanks for posting that :)

Carlos. You are great with words. In my humble opinion your play will fly. Thanks for your wonderful reads......