I'm so scared

I'm really scared. I'm not sure if I have anything as I never had any symptom of Herpes but I know that most people don't. A girl I was with sexually told me that she was diagnosed with Herpes. I feel like my life is now over. I keep telling myself that it's not a big deal and it's just a social stigma and many people have it, etc but it's not working. I can't get over the stigma. I'm a professional in my 30s and I want to start a family. I feel like I've been relegated to a disease and everything I've worked for that women used to find attractive is now overshadowed by Herpes. It's already cost me two relationships with girls that I really liked. I don't know what to do and I kind of feel suicidal. I don't want to get tested because I don't want to know the results. Please help me find peace with this.

Hi PaullPaul,

Welcome.

Sorry to hear that you are under emotional distress... MANY of us have gone through what you are going through but you need to keep calm because you have not been diagnosed. You may not even have it.

You should not worry about such until you get a diagnosis. And even after then, you should try to keep your worries at a minimal for it solves nothing.

I hope that you do not in fact have it... but if it happens to be so IT IS STILL NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. I would have never believed that until now... I contracted in Nov and diagnosed in Dec... Between those weeks I did not worry much and tried to divert my attention to other things... I figured I'd get tested for everything and go from there. Is it scary yes, but this condition is not the worst and it's so common. I just hold faith to the fact that I will get passed this first accepting myself (mistakes and all) then finding someone who is accepting.

Please RELAX before you make a mistake you can not turn back from. IT WILL BE OKAY. PROMISE :)

@paullpaul

First... Welcome....

First... BREATHE my friend. You are freaking out and you haven't even been diagnosed. You really need to get tested. How long has it been since you were last with the woman who called you to tell you she had Herpes. You need to have 4-5 months from the time of transference before you get an IgG test because it takes that long to get enough antibodies for it to show up. They may give you an IgM test that you can do sooner but not all places will do that.

Sounds like you have no symptoms. Most people have their first OB within a few weeks of exposure if they are going to break out...so that's a good sign... it also sounds like this may have been a hook-up? So not multiple exposures? If so you may be overthinking this.

You say It's already cost me two relationships with girls that I really liked. Why? if you are not diagnosed, what the heck are you telling them? I'm guessing it wasn't the "possible" herpes, but more likely the way you approached it. We have tons of successful disclosures on here (I'll post them for you if you come up H+ .). Right now you are torturing yourself over something that may be nothing.

Get tested my friend. Then come back here with the results. You will never find peace if you don't know your status. And in the meantime, chill out... you are really beating yourself up with no proof that you have H. And if you do, take if from a 35 year veteran... I got married and had 2 children with it, and 3 - three year relationships post-divorce and Herpes wasn't an issue in any of the relationships.

(((HUGS)))

Thank you for the responses. It was many exposures as we were a FWB for several weeks. It's been several months now but I'd really rather not know the answer. The first girl I was dating when the H girl told me. I hadn't yet slept with the girl I was dating but thought it was important to tell her that I was exposed. She told me to get tested but I refused because she said if I was positive she would move on. The same thing happened again with another girl about 3 months ago. She wanted both of us to get tested for everything before we slept together but again, she said if I was positive for H she would move on so I didn't. Maybe I need to approach this differently.

Are you saying that I shouldn't even disclose my exposure at this time? I'm not telling these girls that I have the H, I'm just saying that I was told that someone I slept with tested positive and I may have it.

She told me to get tested but I refused because she said if I was positive she would move on. ...The same thing happened again with another girl about 3 months ago. She wanted both of us to get tested for everything before we slept together but again, she said if I was positive for H she would move on so I didn't.

Don't you get it??? THEY MOVED ON ANYWAY!!!! If you had been tested and came up negative (very good chance given you have had no outbreaks/signs) you might still be with one of them. So Herpes didn't cost you those relationships... your FEAR of Herpes cost you the relationship!!!

Bottom line - you need to get tested.... know the TRUTH and then you will know how to approach these ladies. They are 100% right to demand you get tested... not because they may move on (many many H- partners stay with their H+ mates post disclosure)... but they DESERVE to know so they can discuss with you what you will do to reduce their risk.

I would not disclose right now but I would also say don't have sex until you know. Knowing that you *might* be carrying it and still having sex is NO BETTER than knowing that you have it and having sex without telling them. Period. I can't say this enough... GET TESTED.

Many of us here believe that H is here to teach us something. Perhaps your lesson is to push through your fears... certainly hiding under a rock hasn't helped you and is just causing you a whole lotta anxiety. Once you know, you will either 1) be H- ... in which case you dodged a bullet, so you can go celebrate (but for gosh sakes don't get intimate with someone without BOTH of you getting tested... karma may not give you a second chance!) or 2) you are H+ and you will want to get educated (this is one of the best places for that!) and read all the stories here of successful disclosures and how people learn to LIVE with Herpes. Again, 35 year veteran here... got it at 17 .. and life is no worse for me than anyone I know... ;)

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself--nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.

FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT, First Inaugural Address, Mar. 4, 1933

Peace my friend....AND GET TESTED!

Thanks again for your insight. I wouldn't mind getting tested if what I heard in response in place of "I'll move on if you're positive" is "it'll be okay if you're positive because we'll find a way to work through it." Until I hear that I don't want to get tested for anyone, including myself. I do think my test will return H+ because I think I do have symptoms come to think of it. I've been noticing some itching in my groin but that would be it. I haven't really noticed anything else and I don't know if my itching is more than it's always been or if I'm just focusing more on it now that I'm concerned about having the H. It's not that severe or anything but it is there periodically.

You come to the right place. If you do have it then there will be a healing process you go through emotionally and that's okay. You won't find peace immediately but you will in the future. There are lots of options out there for you and even dating websites for people with h. Not to mention you have an entire community of supporters you can turn to like you are right now.

Remember professionals in their 30s are people too and have STIs. Getting tested is the best thing you can do because if you have it, then you can treat it and prevent it from becoming worse and if you don't then you know for sure. Always be honest with partners about your STI status. If somebody chooses not to be romantically/sexually involved because of that, then that's okay. They will appreciate your honesty and you can filter them out.

So instead you live in a tortured, in between, not knowing, and then you give a girl information that you *might* have herpes but you haven't been tested because you are waiting for one to accept you in the case that you DO have Herpes? So you are putting a condition on their love for you, or using the test to prove to them that you care for them??

Sorry but this sounds manipulative and besides, say a girl says she loves you anyway, and you get tested, and it doesn't work out. You now know and you go forward with that knowledge. You can't go back an "untest" for the next girl.

Your call my friend... if you like living in an in between place, then wait. If you like living in fear of the unknown, wait. If you think placing this kind of condition on a relationship, wait. But I can tell you that if a guy said he wasn't tested and he was waiting to see if i would stay if he was positive, I'd walk because that would actually sound like a sorta backwards control move to me. It would have nothing to do if you were positive or not.

I may not be wording this very well right now BTW - I have some family stuff going on and my mind isn't 100% clear.... but I stand by what i have said all along... GET TESTED.

@Paullpaul If those girls told you that then they aren't for you. Don't take it personal... It is fair for them to make that decision... and they may have did you a big favor. BUT first think about yourself so YOU CAN MOVE ON. Get tested and go from there. You don't even know if you have it or not and you are creating your own hysteria.

You can do this... with everything is a lesson to learn. Either way this should make you more careful.