about to have the herpes talk ...

Hi everyone,

I am a gay guy and two years ago I was diagnosed with both HSV1 oral and HSV1 genital just a few months apart. The genital diagnosis made me numb and the doctor didn't give me any information about the condition and just sent me home with some Acyclovir. I was more upset about the oral diagnosis as i knew it would affect my looks and ive always been self conscious as I had sever acne for many years. The initial outbreak for my cold sore was pretty visible and i knew exactly what it was and since then I've only had a few outbreaks and they have tapered off immensely where as now it's nothing more than a tingle and never gets larger than a pimple. I always know to grab the pills and abreva and it's gone in a few days. The genital herpes is on my upper butt crack and I am about to have the talk with the new guy I've been dating. He is the most wonderful guy I've ever met and I haven't yet told him about this part of me. I am scared shitless and have shed many many tears and I am not good standing alone and being so vulnerable that it could cost me the best thing that has happened to me. Is it possible to be extremely happy and also extremely Angry and sad at the same time?

I have lost sleep over how i am going to tell him, ive called in sick to work and have run the conversation over in my head a million times. He is a beautiful guy..How can i put him at risk to feel the same agony that i do?

Please, if anyone has any advice, i am open to any information.

I feel lost, angry, frustrated and sad.

Sincerely,

J

@Empowered74

First, Welcome! So glad you came here for support. Know that many have been through where you are now and are having amazing, wonderful relationships :)

I'm going to put a bunch of links below of successful disclosures. That may help you to get an idea of how others have dealt with this.

In the mean time ... realize that the more confident you are about how you have lived with your herpes, the better it will land on your partner. Get really, really familiar with the statistics for shedding and how you can protect him with Anti-virals and condoms and safe sex practices. I'll add the handout links as well - print them out so you can get familiar with the info AND you can have a copy for him.

And realize if he chooses to walk away, that HSV is just another "deal breaker", like smoking or weight or bat-shit crazy mother in law :p . Seriously though, if someone chooses to not stay, it's not about you... it's just their preference and their right. And if they run, well, that says a lot about them.... :(

Anyhow, read the posts below, and feel free to ask questions, rant, or whatever on here. We are here to help... (((HUGS)))

Handouts:

http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

Disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

http://herpeslife.com/using-herpes-as-your-wing-man/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2384/successful-herpes-disclosure

Bookworm_21

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2386/ive-been-gone-for-too-long

klopz

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2390/update-on-my-for-my-h-opp-peeps nic4897

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2445/my-success-story simplyme24

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2495/a-coming-out-story- DanieM

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2544/disclosure silentstandoff

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1644/having-the-herpes-talk-with-a-new-partner Daisy

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2689/first-time-disclosing-herpes-and-very-very-nervous paleogardenerkika

Thank you WCS! I am going to be making the call in just a little while. I can't even eat my dinner as I'm afraid ill throw up. In my 40 trips around the planet, this is by far the most challenging thing I've faced. I'm not so sure I can handle this tonight. My heart is heavy and I'm emotionally drained from too little sleep. Please say a little prayer for us.

J

I meant to say 40 trips around the Sun. I'm 40 years old.

Putting out positive vibes for you my friend :)

Thank you so much WCS! I used the extremely valuable handouts you provided and used only the most positive language when telling my guy the other night. Our phone conversation started with our normal dialogue about how our day went and then I started talking about what it means to be in a relationship with full trust, transparency and being vulnerable. We don't live in the same state and honestly, i couldn't wait any longer to have this conversation.

I outright just asked him if he's ever had a cold sore and he recalled that me might have had them in high school or college. I then confided that I get a cold sore maybe once a year and that there is potential to pass this along but also was a little relieved to hear that he has possibly had them in the past. I gave him a second to digest what I had said and then proceeded to tell him that I get an occasional cold sore on my back side and I talked about this being the same virus that causes the cold sores on my lip.

He quickly was inquisitive about possible transmission and i went through the handout and the statistics. I also mentioned that i take a daily antiviral and the protective measures we would need to take to prevent passing along this darn skin condition.

It's just that: an irritating skin condition in a not so favorable place. I know in using the proper words now that it can change the stigma as to what this condition really is! Whether above or below the waist, it's all the same darn H virus!

After fully disclosing to him about my condition, his response was "Is that all you got?"

He then said, I Love you unconditionally and that I'd have to do a lot better than that.

At that point I started to cry and let him know that this was the one thing that was preventing me from being truly honest and that being vulnerable isn't my strongest trait.

I realized at this point that this person undeniably loves me exactly for who i am and not what i have. He said as we get older we are going to experience things with our bodies that are inevitable and it's just part of the process. We all have things about ourselves that we struggle with accepting but when we do, it's a game changer.

I was finally able to say I Love you to him for the very first time. I was finally free to express what I had been wanting to say because my integrity was now aligned with my heart.

Our relationship at that very moment went to the next level and we both said this was our best conversation yet. I wouldn't have believed that an hour before as I was about to throw up and praying for the right words to stay.

We are going to navigate this journey together and truly accept one another exactly the way we are. We agreed to focus on being grateful for everything we do have which far surpasses this pesky skin condition.

Thank you for providing this Site to all of us, It was the exact set of tools and support I needed to take a leap of faith.

WCS, you are truly a blessing and Thank you for your encouragement and providing the right words I so needed to hear.

Happy Dance! =D> Happy Dance! =D> Happy Dance! =D>

So happy for you my friend! Sounds like you got a keeper there too ;)

Keep us posted ... and I want an invite to the Wedding... LOL ... j/k

(((HUGS)))