We both have HSV2, can we have a "free" sexual life together.

Hello,

First, I want to say I'm happy and grateful this forum exists. I've been feeling rather lonely in the past few days...

I recently got diagnosed with HSV2. My partner did not know he had it. We had the STD talk at the beginning of our relationship and both got tested for HIV--the tests came negative. The person counseling us (at the free testing center) recommended that we do not worry about HSV if neither of us had ever had any symptoms. He said it was such a common disease that learning that one of us had it would cause us more worry than necessary...

Guess what? It turns out one of us had it!

At least this is the assumption we're making now: my boyfriend had a silent infection which he gave me. I had my first outbreak just a week ago. I initially mistook it for a yeast infection as it was itching and burning (I had no sores, only 2 subtle bumps) but the fever and headaches made me think it could be something else. I went to my doctor and she ran some tests. The results came in yesterday: HSV2 positive.

I'm a bit shaken right now, trying to adjust to what it means for me to have Herpes. Reading about it helps a lot.

I'm upset I got herpes but I'm not upset at my partner. He had no symptoms. And I knew he was sexually active before we met. I knew what I was getting into. More specifically, I didn't want to know...

ANYWAY.

Since we both have HSV2 now, my questions are:

1) Can we still have wild, unprotected sex together, or do we have to be careful?

And by wild I mean the regular stuff: oral sex, vaginal intercouse, playing and licking...

2) Can symptoms (in my case) spread to other parts of the body? For instance, could I end up with HSV2 sores around my mouth if I keep giving him oral sex?

3) I feel a bit self conscious about sex in general, and oral sex in particular. Maybe it's because I'm new to it but I can't help thinking that we would be "licking each other's herpes." How do you get over that?

4) We do not plan on having sex if/when we have outbreaks, but since my outbreaks are relatively hidden (on the cervix) I may not always be initially aware that I have one. What are the risks of having sex when one of us has an outbreak? Can it make the infection worse?

Pardon me if these questions are graphic. I just want to make sure I understand my body and the risks associated with this new condition.

Thank you very much for your help!

Now I'm going to go back to reading and crying.

Hopefully the crying will stop soon.

@Justine1984

Hello and Welcome!

So I have to ask first before I chime in with a reply... has your BF actually been tested? Until he is tested you are just assuming that he has it... just as you assumed neither had it (thanks to the idiot at the testing center... I would actually take legal counsel ... I feel that if you asked for the test and they didn't do it and you then came up with it, it *might* be considered medical negligence. )

Either way, as you have learned, making an assumption can lead to consequences you didn't want. So if he has not been tested, I'd get him done. It is entirely possible YOU carried it and just finally had your first OB. I've had a client tell me she had her first OB after 32 years of marriage. So even if he comes up positive, you may not know who gave it to who for sure.

IF you definitely both have it, then go at it my friend! Once you are infected, you can't get it elsewhere because the body had antibodies to it. You *may* want to be careful with oral sex and don't get fluids in your eyes (ie, rubbing your eye with fluids on your hand) for about 4-6 months just to make sure that if you just got it, you have the antibodies built up to protect you elsewhere)

"Licking each other's Herpes" ... Wow - never thought of it that way at all...LOL. But really, REALLY????? Sorry to be so graphic but aren't you getting a lot of little wigglers on your tonsils my friend, with oral sex???? Never mind the other fluids that are produced on either side. And you DO know that we are all covered in bacteria and the like too. And you are worried about possibly ingesting a few viral cells???? Sorry... it's really late, but you certainly gave me a good giggle with that. Yeah - it's probably because you are new to the idea. I think you'll get past it when you really think about the details around oral sex ;)

Regarding the issue of sex during an OB - yeah - it might make it worse but I'm pretty sure you will quickly know you have an OB there if you start to have sex - it will likely hurt a lot. Use lots of lube and that will help.. sometimes sex causes an OB for awhile when you have your first H outbreaks.

Don't worry about "graphic" questions. We are all adults here and really, if we had had those conversations a long time ago, many of us would likely not be here. You certainly won't shock me and I think I can say that most here are pretty open minded....

(((HUGS)))

Hello,

Thank you for your response. I asked my boyfriend to get tested and he said he would but he hasn't so far. He's been assuming that he already had herpes.

Yes, there is a slight chance that I may have been the one carrying the virus this whole time. My immune system has been very weak recently, and I wouldn't be surprised if I just showed symptoms now because of this weakness (and not because of a recent infection). We talked about this possibility and he said:

"What if I find out that I don't have it? What's the point? We're not going to stop having sex."

I told him that I could go on suppressive therapy but still, he doesn't seem worried about herpes that much. Fascinating.

In any case, thank you for your response. I love this forum.

It makes me see herpes as an opportunity to grow as a person, not as something shameful anymore.

That's great that he is so cool about it - but I'd still get him to get tested... he may not care now about getting it but if he got it and was one of the ones that got a bad first OB he might not be as happy about it.... and if he has it it will take any pressure off you regarding "protecting" him. Tell him it will just give you a better idea of how careful you will need to be, and it will put YOUR mind to rest ;)

Guys often don't want to face the truth - I'm guessing he really IS concerned he has it, but by not testing he doesn't have to think about it :p

(((HUGS)))

@Justine1984 Thank you so much for asking the EXACT questions I needed answers to... Literally... Right down to the "licking each other's herpes" part. lmao I have met someone on a dating/support site for us positive (+) people (almost all STD types). It's called positive singles.com if anyone is curious.

So, we both have HSV 2 (G).

He is absolutely dope in every way imaginable. I could 99.99% see us spending the rest of our lives together. We have not gotten to the sexual stage of things as of yet. But, we're pretty damn close! lol I have this yearning to satisfy and be be in the moment with him, free of worry. I really needed to know if we could truly be free in exploring each other sexually. This thread gave me so much hope and confidence. Thank you all! 

P.S. If anyone has references on sex life with mutual HSV 2 partners, feel free to share! Google's got me f$%&! up right now with all of these unrelated search results.