I made a mistake too....

So I made a big mistake too and have read the posts from people who have done the same stupid thing as me. And I want to write this to let people know that NOT DISCLOSING is not worth it. My tale...

I met a wonderful guy online and flew to see him. In my head, I was ready to disclose, tell him upfront, be brave ... but when I met him, the fear of being rejected by him overrode everything. The more time I spent with him, the more the fear spoke to me over being rational. He is everything I could have dreamed of ... and more. I was staring at the "man of my dreams" literally ... Anyway, to cut a long story short, I slept with him and did not disclose. I did not want to be rejected by this wonderful man so chose to shut up and not say anything. Well, this is why we have a conscience. Since I have left him and flew back home, the memories of the time we had together have been consumed by an overwhelming sense of guilt. And yes I have read the tough love that @harrytheherp and @Dancer have given other similar posts and it is what has got me to face up to my wrongdoing today. Again the fear of rejection is overpowering but I should not be able to have him based on dishonesty.

Everyday as we swapped texts and messages about how much we missed each other and how great our time was together, the guilt consumed me. I thought about telling him I had just found out and so we could go through this "together" but realised that was the same as lying and not telling him at all. It was time to put my "big girls pants" on.

As we don't live in the same city, I penned an email and attached information about herpes. I'm not sure if I could find the words over the phone nor without breaking down and I don't want tears to get in the way of the words that I needed to say to him. It was heartfelt, it was honest... it was admitting that I made a decision that was his decision to make. I admitted that I really really screwed up. I asked him to read it with an open heart and mind. And I have sent it. (20 mins ago!!)

I pray that he will find it in his heart to understand and to forgive ... but am also aware that I must face the consequences and potentially let one of the good ones get away because of my stupidity. I must also face the consequences of having passed it on to him if I have.... I have been taking suppressive therapy for 2 years now so whilst a small chance, again, its a chance that I shouldn't have taken with him. Who am I to take that risk on his behalf?

I want to share my story as a warning that herpes and fear are so intertwined... I thought I had this but I lapsed. And it was big lapse. It does not help anyone by not disclosing. Be brave. Telling someone afterwards sure is harder than being upfront in the first place.

Thank you to this forum for giving me the strength to try to put this wrong right.

I hope ot works for you. :) having made this same mistake myself.. i can tell you that if he can get past it.. you will know more love than you can imagine. When you do it all wrong.. and give them every reason to leave.. and they stay... there is no doubts how they feel about you. .. :)

Well he is ok with it. He said herpes is not a big deal at all for him but yes, I should've told him and as adults we should've spoken about it. But he wants to continue what we have and is in fact, totally cool with it.

Lesson learned. And I hope this post helps people as this forum has helped me over the past few days grow up and face what I had to do. Be brave. The alternative is not worth it. Thank you @whatsallthehubbub XX

That's amazing looks like you found a mature guy

\O/.. awesome for you confused!! Good luck in the future!

I think im going to disclose soon, but i really cant find the words to tell him. I'm not so much ashamed, just afraid of the outcome. Hopefully it goes as well as your situation. It could go both ways so im praying for the best.

Well, I'm not gonna pull the tough love stick out and beat you with it. Sounds like you've already done that yourself. I will say this. You're a good woman. You've got a conscious, it just needs to learn to kick in a bit sooner; like before the third glass of Chablis.

You got lucky...in a lot of ways. Of course, you don't know if he's been exposed. The likelihood given your suppressive therapy is extremely low; even lower if you were uber careful, used condoms, etc.

Good for you for owning up. I don't mean that condescendingly. It takes a lot of guts to do what you did after the fact, but you're right, that's a harder conversation to have than simply getting it out of the way before getting it on.

Glad it worked out.

@Confused

Thank you for sharing this here - not only did it take a lot of guts to clean up the mess you made, it took a lot of guts to post about it here so that others could learn from your mistake.....

And yes, he sounds like a keeper.... you just used up your "Get Out of Jail Free" card .... glad it worked out for you!

@It05... I know exactly how you feel. Afraid of the outcome ... the fear was what ended up paralysing me in the days after... and I should've just said it in the first place. I found it easier to write but if we were in the same city, I still would write everything down I wanted say (like a script) and then just say it. And hope for the best.

Yeah, I just used up my lives, my luck, my Get out of Jail Free... and geez, did I beat myself about it before this. Things might not have worked out that way but I had to face those consequences head on. It's just not fair to make that decision for someone. It's wrong and yes, I had to clean up the mess. But most of all, it wasn't fair on him.

Thank you to all for kicking me up the backside (as I lurked and read posts). And yes I am lucky but its also an example of when fearing the worst might not actually happen. There are guys and gals out there who are mature enough to handle this news and I should have known that before I took the risk with his health. He no doubt would have handled it the same way...

I know some of you might not be as lucky as me... but maybe some of you will be. Be brave. From the beginning.

Amen Sister...... Amen :)

Sweetie - much love to you. I hope it works out. X~ me

Wow @confused you really have guts I have going over and over the idea of telling someone about my condition but I don't seen to find a way to talk about this with somebody else, I was looking in goggle and search if a girl would date guy with and std, All the answer where like hell no I would never put in risk my health for a guy and worse if its something that doesn't has cured, even a girl posted that "if she goes out with a guy can be the cutest guy on earth but if he tells her that he got and std she would be like hey my dead grandma its calling its a miracle I got to go bye" it pissed me off how she could say something like that but she is kinda right If I wouldn't have this and somebody tell me about it maybe I wouldn't ran away but think twice about it before doing something and probably I wouldn't had take the risk, maybe guys are more comprehensive than girls or maybe young girls like my age (22) anyway I hope one day I can have a normal life like it I always pictured it.

Well good luck to you all and your stories and support have cheers me up a little bit.

@steven

Ok son, Forum Mom talking... ;) Here's the deal. STAY THE HELL OFF GOOGLE AND YAHOO!!!!! There are a lot of boards out there with a lot of ignorant, ugly, nasty people who looooove to spout their mouths off and create as much drama as they can. Those are the people that you can do well without in your life. Herpes can become your wing -man ... it will help you recognize and remove the people from your life who are not healthy for you.

You have found one of the few sites where we CHOOSE a positive, empowering approach to herpes... and that approach, that confidence that you will eventually get around this virus is what will bring a wonderful, beautiful young lady into your life who will love you no matter about your H status. Look around here. Read all you can. Really get just how insignificant this virus is in the grand scheme of things. It really IS a nuisance skin condition in a really awkward place. :)

(((HUGS)))

@confused woohoo! I'm glad it worked out... and we need more like him haha.

AGREED @WCSDancer!!! @Steven - oh god stay off Google and search engines. I went down a very deep hole with that behaviour and would spend hours - literally hours - freaking out about it, reading the horribleness (is that a word) of people... going further and further down a dark, deep hole. (Then I found this community!) It really is no big deal (I really should've got this in my head before my freak out) ...

People who accept me for having herpes are actually compassionate people - people who understand that not everyone is perfect and try to understand just what herpes is (and isn't) That is exactly the quality I'm looking for in a person so you know, if I do get rejected in the future - well I don't want that person. I'm lucky that so far, DESPITE MY STUFF UP, this guy is sticking around... hell, not telling him would've been the sure-fire way to lose him and we all know that could've happened.

Maybe it is maturity? I'm in my 30s ... but you know if someone wants to reject you for having it - they are not worth having in the first place. It really is so insignificant but it has taken me a few years to get to this place. I've gone from complete denial and fear and even most recently, as you can see from this post, I still screwed up but the blessing with this screw-up is that 1. yes, he is sticking by me and 2. he showed me it is insignificant and there are people out there accepting 3. not disclosing is the worst thing you can do to yourself - not just the other person.

I often think whether my fear of rejection comes from whether I would have that same reaction - I knew nothing about herpes and you know, I think I would have freaked out too. But god help me, what herpes has also allowed me to be is more understanding and compassionate to anyone with any issue - especially an STD. I'm kinda glad that it has too ... who would want to be one of those other ignorant nasties on those websites? Thank god, I'm not one of them ... now.

Stay strong.

Great story - I am in the same situation right now and yours was a real help. I have met a great girl. I have had this for 35 years and have an outbreak maybe once every couple of years. We had "protected" sex on the weekend except for oral which was unprotected. I know I need to tell her......she is so nice.....and really likes me. She told me that she finds it hard to trust people and now there will be significant doubt. That was 4 nights ago and I am overcome with guilt.

@matureman

So I need not repeat everything that's already been said ;)

The only thing I will say is just do it. Get it over with. I also made the mistake years ago thinking it was ok to have protected sex and then tell him. Suffice it to say he was in freak-out mode for a whole month. We did get together (I broke up with him for other reasons several years later) but it put a big strain on the relationship early on.

(((HUGS)))

We'll be cheering you on over here. We are having one heck of a run of successful disclosures lately. Hope to add you to them :)