Comes and goes

Last time I posted on here was a good while ago, since then I've had my first disclosure which didn't go too bad I guess, it didn't go anywhere after that which I'm guessing is partly to do with the herpes. It is what it is, I guess.

It's been a busy couple months, which is great. I've been up and about being productive with work and studying, etc. And I've always kind of accepted that because of the herpes and my general lack in success in relationships so far that to be honest I guess me and relationships aren't really going anywhere, and herpes being the cherry on the cake doesn't exactly add to my chances of success.

I guess the most frustrating thing is flitting between the whole "I don't care" attitude, seing my "normal" friends in happy relationships, watching movies and TV shows where in the end other lonely, hard-done-by, fabulous women also get they're prince charming. To be bluntly honest, I'm a busy bee, l thrive off hard work, and having a chocker block schedule, but once all the hard work stops and I come back to a lonely space ....all I really feel is loneliness and sadness, and the daunting reality that herpes and just life in general could mean that this is it.

There's some days that I can take all this in my stride and just say eff it, I'm a strong fabulously independent woman, being alone doesn't phase me as long as I have my career, my God and good friends and family.... but then there's other days where as pathetic as it sounds I just want a cuddle. I know all of this is/isn't directly herpes related, but the point I'm trying to make is before herpes, I kind of had the comfort of knowing that this loneliness won't last forever.

I'm a realist, yeah great, I could be one of these people who has successul disclosures and meets Mr. Right who accepts and values me regardless and makes me believe in love again....and they all live happily ever after, but then I like to have an awareness for the reality that I might never meet someone that accepts me and this disease that comes with me. Now, like some of the people posting about being alone for 9 to 20 years, I guess I'm just scared that this is it. It's a mixture of fear, sadness and loneliness that I just can't shake.

I hear the frustration and the pain. Sounds like working hard is both a great outlet for you and a great way to numb out, too. And I hear that you're lonely. I understand wanting a simple cuddle every now and again. That beloved flood of oxytocin. It's only human. And wanting that is beautiful and natural. And I can get how not getting that is painful. And the fear that this is it? Sometimes we get to keep soldiering on toward what we know we want and deserve. It's not always easy, but getting what we really want rarely is. It takes persistence. It takes holding the focus. It takes falling and getting back up.

I feel for you, BetterInTime. And I'm right there with you. I am just recently single. I get that old familiar voice in my head asking if I'll get the kind of love I want, the kind of love I deserve. And I want to continue to remind myself (and maybe remind you) that this is all part of the process ... What is here that I can appreciate? What is here that I can revel in? There's beauty everywhere. Even in loneliness. You know, the distinction between loneliness and aloneness is a profound one: Loneliness is where I am not connected to anyone, including myself; aloneness is where I am still deeply connected with myself. (If you want an amazing book to shake up your perspective on all this, read "Love, Freedom, Aloneness" by Osho. Beautiful.) In those times of loneliness, I tend to vacate myself and escape into doing whatever activities take me away from feeling, so I can avoid feeling like nobody cares about me. I tend to judge myself in this space, perpetuating the pain of being alone. Then I realize, "Hey, I care about me! Buck up, soldier!" ;) May sound corny, but it helps to hear that. Sometimes it just helps to shake things up and get playful. Then I might take myself out on a solo date to reconnect with myself and enjoy myself.

And hey, you may already do all of this, so this may be a moot point, but just was inspired to share with you that I feel with you right now. Much love, BetterInTime. And here's to beautiful Aloneness. :) And eventually, beautiful togetherness.

I've been really bummed out lately because I started dating again after 9 years and when the issue of herpes came up in my head, I started to obsess. I have OCD pretty bad and I can get psychotic. Anyway, the guy I liked kept saying that we had to get together again and then poof, he closed out his account on the dating website that we met on. That was 2 weeks ago. I realized, after reading this thread, how strong I am. Even though I was almost devastated that I can't date right now, I have survived. So thank you for making me see that.

Now, about the future. Never say "this is it". Life is what you make it. You have to put yourself out there. I get the whole thing about how hard it is to find someone. I've had trouble all of my life and I'm 54. But I still have hope that I can have a fabulous relationship some day. You should like a wonderful person, BetterinTime. You have to "see" good things happening and then they will happen. It's the Law of Attraction. If you think you will never be with anyone, that might happen. Have you ever seen or read "The Secret"? If not, please do. Go to the website and read all the wonderful stories of people finding love, jobs and anything else they want.

And Adrial, I'm sorry to hear about your break-up. I'm glad that you two have so much love for each other and will continue to support each other. That's means tons. Give yourself some time to heal and then get yourself back out there! You are a good-looking guy with an amazing personality so you should have no problem finding a new girlfriend, when the time is right. I like your video diaries. I especially like the part about gratitude. That's something that I have to work on. I think sometimes I have a problem saying thank you because I don't feel deserving.