I've had herpes for 9 years

Hi, I am new to this forum. When I found out I had herpes I was devastated. I could not believe I allowed this to happen to me because I felt that I was smart enough to know better. They say love is blind and indeed it its.. I was involved with a man who gave it me..He was not even surprise when I told him. He was very calm like he knew he had it... I thought my life was over and that no one would want me because of this. I thought I could not have children, that no one would want to be with me or marry me. I have learned to live with and accept myself with herpes. It becomes difficult when you meet someone you like and have to decide when is the best time to have the talk. I recently met a man that I was interested in. We started spending time together and I started to like him each time we were together. I knew I had to tell him because I wanted to do the right thing. Ive been at his house a couple of times and I realize that I would have to have the talk sooner rather than later... I wanted him to get to know me more before I actually told him but it was not happening that way because he was making sexually advances towards me and I realize that I had to have the talk right away.... I wanted to feel comfortable with him and I wanted to know if I could trust him with that information. Like I said Ive been over his house a few times we never had sexual intercourse but I performed oral sex on him... He wanted to do it to me and I refused and thats when I decided that the right time was the next time I would be at his house. I went over his house and I sat on the sofa in the living room because its less intimidating and told him I wanted to talk to him about something. To tell you the truth I was okay to tell him but nervous because I did not know what the out come would be.. To my surprise he was understanding he told me that I could talk to him. He told me his feelings have not changed for me. He asked me if I could have children and I said yes. He told me if I had an outbreak I must let him know and told him I would. He told me he respects me that he thanks me for my honesty, I felt so relieved and happy that he accepted me. I called a few of friends and told them what happened and my sister and they were all happy for me but it was short lived because Ive called him and he does not answer his phone. He ignores me when I happen to see me. I tried talking to him once and he said that he is busy and that he would call me and he never did.. I feel so rejected because of the herpes virus and I feel like everytime he sees me he sees herpes and he does not see me. I feel like he is judging me.. Ive tried to tell in the beginning and I have the same experience.. Told a guy once and he told his mother and his mother told him not to talk to me anymore and he stopped calling me.. Sometimes I feel as if Im never going to find some one who is going to love and accept me. Sometimes I wonder If I told the guy from the beginning if he would have stayed( maybe not). Ive gone over and over it in my head if I could have done things differentlty but I felt that was the right time. I aslo would have liked for him to be honest with me and told me that he could not deal with it instead of lying to me and telling me all those nice things making me believe everything was okay.... my whole experience with herpes has not really been postive at all so Im still coping and dealing. I think about this guy alot and sometimes I miss him. Its hard because I see him from time to time and its just a constant reminder of the rejection that I am going through. Its so awkward when we see each other sometimes I feel as If I he had gotten to know me better things would have been different. ( Maybe not) like I said Ive told from the beginning and the expereince is the same.. Ive tried to make the person get to know me and the out come as been the same... My uncle as told me that by now I should have develop immunity to being rejected but it still hurts and it hurts really bad.. We all want to feel accepted and love with or without herpes........ I am happy to have found this forum where I can be open and honest about my herpes and how it as affected me......

Hi. I am just here to say that I'm sorry that guy hurt you. There are lots of success stories on here. Read them. They will help.

Thank you!

Hi JAMAICA! welcome to the forum, send a thank you note to Adrial for creating it and keeping it going; send him some cyber-love as a token of gratitude :)

I am so sorry to read about that ignoramus who deceived you and wasn't man enough to value your honesty and vulnerability. Regretfully, the world is infested with that type; I've met a few myself. And it is hard--rejection is a bitter pill--and scary. I hear you when you say that it feels as if you're never going to find someone who is going to love and accept you. The same fear grips me at times, making me feel as if I'd never be able to shake the feeling! The good news is: emotions are not fact... remember that: EMOTION IS NOT FACT... and they evaporate, which is the beauty about emotion--they never remain the same--.

But back to the ignoramus: the universe places the wrong people on our path so that we can practice awareness and gain an ounce of wisdom. The unpleasant, base feelings--I think--keep us informed and alert. Soon you will hear yourself saying: "I don't want to experience that any longer!" And when another ignoramus shows up, then you'll have a better grip on the situation. For every man out there who luxuriates in the bliss of ignorance, there is another who is mature, compassionate and better looking... Adrial is textbook example (and so am I).

So, yes, good men do walk the face of the Earth... and if there's a possibility of encountering a douche-bag, the possibility of encountering the opposite must also exist.

Don't abandon yourself, JAMAICA. Hang in there, stay connected to this forum; we're all here to lift each other up (and do the necessary venting when Life gets feisty).

Much love

--CARLOS

Thank you so much Carlos. Appreciate the encouragement..

I am happy to have found a place that makes me feel safe and connected

Hi Jamaica...welcome to the site and I am sending you a hug, I know what the feeling of rejection is like :-(.

As for the guy...he did you a favour by backing off because if he acts that immaturely and selfishly over H he will act like that with other things. Circumstances don't make a person...they reveal them. You disclosing just showed you the kind of guy he is and believe me honey...you are best be rid of him! He's not the kind of guy who will be there for you with anything else you need support with in your life...look at H as your insurance policy for getting rid of the men who won't be good boyfriends or partners. You tested his character and he failed the test...it's really not about us being rejected, we just think its that way.

You have enough integrity and love for others to be honest and disclose...you deserve someone the same. They are out there...I am one who took the risk with my boyfriend. Now I am in the same boat and while its not easy sometimes...I am working on developing myself into someone amazing so for myself i see H as just a tiny part of who i am and if anyone can't accept H, I KNOW its their loss and not mine..and I can thank H for sorting out the men from the boys!

Hang in there Jamaica...there are amazing men out there...H will actually help you recognise them :-)

Janice :-)

Thanks Lelani,

Sometimes I feel so torn. This happened between him and I about a month ago... Sometimes I feel like I want to text him and tell him I am sorry If I hurt him by not telling him from the beginning just because I want to find inner peace but I felt in my heart that I did the right thing based on the situation. I feel I would come off as pathetic and I dont want to give him anymore power over my emotions. I know I was not puting his life at risk because my character and integrity would never allow me to do that. I just wanted to do the right thing and since we were building a relationship I knew it had to start with honesty.

Why would he tell me that his feelings has not changed for me and that he respects me and thanks me for my honesty? Was he saying it to appease me so I would not feel bad?? I guess I would never know the answers to those questions.. He works in the same building that I work in so our paths do cross at times and believe me its hard.. There are times I wish he never knew about my herpes just because of how everything happened and because its a personal thing that makes me feel so naked and exposed. I dont have any animosity towards him because he made his decision. I only wish he would have spoken to me and told me that he could not deal with the situation instead of treating me (COLD) It would have hurt naturally but I would have understood... I miss the closeness and the intimacy that we had before my disclosure but I had to do the right thing and I did not want to let my fear stop me... I don't think you can ever be prepared for the rejection that follows disclosure. You may think you are, but sometimes you are not because I thought I was prepared when I told him. I feel I was blindsided by what he told me because I felt relieved and so happy that he saw beyond my herpes and that he saw someone with integrity who really liked and cared about him and wanted to be honest with him...... I just want to feel empowerd.... Just want to get past this....

Ps, Just trying to find inner peace

Hey Jamaica,

It was good to connect with you on the phone the other night.

I feel sad hearing what you've gone through. And sometimes being honest has unintended consequences. And learning to embrace even those is part of my personal practice now. In my experience of life, everything really DOES happen for a reason. Whether or not that's actually true doesn't matter, because if I live by that being true for me, a whole lot of other stuff falls away. The stuff I can't control falls away. If someone doesn't want me, that's meant to be. It doesn't mean it won't hurt, but for whatever reason, it's meant to be. And here's the kicker: If we disclose to someone else SO THAT they will see our integrity and then accept us, then it feels a little manipulative to me. I know I've felt that before in me being vulnerable and expecting something out of it. Expecting that the other person will be vulnerable with me. Expecting they will see my vulnerability, appreciate it, validate it. And this doesn't just apply to disclosing about herpes, but in being vulnerable in general.

So, we disclose because we have integrity. Period. Then what they do with that vulnerability is their decision. That's the part we can't control. But if we disclose in order to get something out of the interaction, then it's not true integrity, at least not how I see it. We practice integrity for integrity's sake. That's what I'm shooting for personally, at least. ;) What's your take on that, Jamaica?

Adrial I have to acknowledge and thank you once again for creating this amazing space for us all.

As I too have recently connected with a man I am very drawn to, there's another experience coming for us all to learn from. I get what you are saying about disclosure and integrity for its own sake.

I do feel (and I am practising this now), because we get stuck in "no one will want me" even when we know it's not true, when someone comes along who might want us, and who we want, we forget there are 6Billion people in the world, and we hand over our power even before we disclose. Then we do it, and if the response is not how we'd like, we suffer so much. Jamaica I've been there too, we all have.

Now I'm thinking that we have to be okay with our own vulnerability no matter what, so okay in advance that we include the possibility of every response. Not to say it won't hurt, but we don't go around months after the event still hurting. Jamaica, you are who you are, you did the right thing, he wasn't on level with you ........not a judgement, just not where he could meet you. The fact that he lied tells me that he wanted to meet you, he just couldn't. He's not mature enough to deal with your situation, and that is essential for you to know.

Now your job is to take care of yourself. Stand tall girl! When you see him, smile and say, "Hi xxxx, how are you", don't stop to find out, just keep walking. It will give you more power than you can imagine. Sometimes you have to fake it til you make it. Start acting, use your body language as if you are over him, and you will find you start to get over him.

H is a huge gift in teaching us how much and how often we give away our power to others who don't know they have it so can't give it back. We must take it back.

He can't help you Jamaica. If you haven't already contacted him, don't. You're only drawn to him because you want your power back. So take it back. Talk to Adrial about how to learn to take care of yourself emotionally. This is essential learning for being an effective happy adult human being. Eventually we can thank H for bringing it to our attention.

So I'm warming up for my next disclosure, won't be for a few weeks as he's overseas, but after the last one (a polite, actually kind, but firm "no thanks'), I'm going gently on myself, too.

much love Jamaica. There's stuff to learn and you will learn it here.

Just in posting that I saw some more.

We tend to make our own measure of our value and our success in disclosing how the other person responds. This is our big mistake! Now I'm thinking that we need to celebrate ourselves, our integrity and our courage! Regardless of the outcome!

So now I'm thinking, okay, what lovely + amazing way am I going to celebrate my self, my integrity and my courage in disclosing to this new guy, regardless of the outcome? Have to decide in advance, as emotional state not predictable. Am thinking simple stuff, maybe perfumed bubble bath, maybe book massage not long after it, maybe elegant lunch with trusted friend....but whatever, decide and arrange in advance so whatever happens, I celebrate my power in choosing the road I take. If he's with me, he's an honored companion. If he's not, he crossed my path for an experience for both of us. I will use the disclosure to make sure he understands that with awareness, meds it's 2% chance he'll get it from me, 1% with condoms, a decision I will leave to him. So even with a "no thanks" I will have educated someone.

I think too that in disclosing, it's part of our job to make it safe for someone to say, "I don't know how I feel about this", or "I'm sorry, I just don't think I want to expose myself to this". I think there's less likelihood of lying if we do that. We can let the other know that we are in charge of ourselves (we have to be anyway) and our feelings, and we know it is their decision and it doesn't mean anything if they say no, other than they don't want to risk it.

I know this is a big ask, but this is all that I have learned since my last disclosure, that even 18 yrs after diagnosis, was only my second, my first was successful, I was in a new relationship, and we learned about it together. He didn't catch it from me, no condoms, no meds. I didn't even know about shedding then.

So if we can be that big and generous with ourselves, then perhaps we can let the other be who they are, and be ok with who we are. Yes it's disappointing when it's a No of course; but it doesn't have to spin us off our own centre for months, like my last one did me. I hope I've learned what I needed to learn from that experience, we'll soon find out.

Much love to everyone, Rosie

Hey Lively,

Thank you so much for your encouragement and support. I am sending you much love and I hope that your disclosure will be a great one... Thanks to Adrial for creating such a fabulous forum where we all can come together and support one another. Thanks again Adrial!!!!