Fear of the moment

"We have nothing to fear, but fear itself." Some wise words spoken by a wise man. It's a phrase that's worth repeating over and over in your head as the Herpes anxiety takes hold of your mind.

I got to thinking today as I'm going through Google and battling an anxiety attack over the "Big H" that life really is a gamble. The deck is stacked against us from day one. Viruses, cancer, accidents, most Kevin Costner movies, falling toilet seats from de-orbiting space stations. In fact, the moment we're born is the moment life tries to kill us at every turn and we begin to die. Every breath we take, every move we make, every overplayed song lyric we listen to is just one more moment towards our final moment.

I had to let that sink in for a moment. Ok, in all honesty once you get that song stuck in your head it lingers. Don't deny it. You're singing it right now. It's ok. Take a moment because it can sting like a first outbreak if you try and end it before the chorus.

And, it was in that momentarily dark state of mind that the epiphany came. It's not the first moment, nor any one moment, nor is it the last moment that defines our lives. It's all of the moments from start to finish; and it's how we choose to go forward through all of those moments that defines our lives. The scariest thing of all is that none of us know how many of those moments we will have. Good, bad, we don't know what's on the next page of our lives and every day we have to decide how to handle those moments when they arrive.

Herpes is a moment. For many of us that moment came as we were doing some praying ;) For others, the prayer came afterwards. :0 The prayer was the same though and usually went something along the lines of "Oh, God, Oh God..."

And, then there was the diagnosis moment. Once again, most of us recited the same prayer and some of us even inserted an expletive or two into that moment. Don't worry, St. Peter will most likely give you a mulligan on that one when he marks that moment down in his little black book.

It's important to remember that those moments are now over. Those moments are now the past. Those moments, joyful, fearful, and confirmatory exist only in our memories. What we have left is this moment, and it's this moment that defines our lives right now. It's this moment that will set the stage for the next moment, and so on, and so forth. Personally, I've decided I'm going to smile in this moment. And, yes, that is a decision we all have the power within us to make. No one and nothing, not even herpes, can take the power over your emotions away from you if you don't let it.

What are we afraid of? What do we have to fear? Herpes is a skin condition. Yeah, it's embarrassing. Yeah, it can be painful. Yeah, it can make us feel lonely. Yeah, it wasn't on any of our list of things we wanted to acquire in this life. I don't know anyone who sat on Santa's lap and said "Geez, I really want herpes for Christmas." Ok, maybe you folks who are into hardcore S&M did, but as far as I'm concerned you've got issues far greater than herpes. Stay kinky my friends.

Are we afraid of not living up to our full potential because we have a few blisters now and then? Keats, Nietzsche, Henry VIII, and a great many others had Syphilis and still accomplished some great things. How about Liberace, Denholm Elliot, and Magic? If they didn't let the Big H slow them down, who are we to let the Little h stop us from living life to its fullest and accomplishing our dreams? Syphilis makes you nuttier than a bad Hollywood remake of an 80's cartoon starring Alvin, Simon, and Theodore. HIV can kill you. Herpes? Herpes causes a blister here and there and in a spot that only those who are most intimate with us ever know about.

Bottom line is that if we let our fears of pain, rejection, and heartache stop us from living in this moment with our heads held high, then the next moment doesn't matter. That's because this moment always sets the stage for the next, and so on, and so forth until the day we take that final breath on this mortal coil. I can't speak for y'all, but I fully intend to take that last breath in my bed with a Cohiba in my smiling mouth, a glass of aged red wine in one hand, a juicy steak in the other, and my wife riding on top of me like she's reenacting the chariot scene from Ben Hur. Herpes be damned, I'm living this moment and every moment forward the way I decide, not the way this virus decides.

Now, if you'll excuse me I need to take a moment to find a Twinkie, a tub of Ben and Jerry's, and the phone number for my college philosophy professor.

The way you come about your threads it truly amazing.

"Geez, I really want herpes for Christmas." I thought that was the funniest because it was days before christmas when I found out that I had HSV-2 and I remember sitting here saying. " Oh jeez, what a wonderful christmas present.

I completely agree if they are able to go on then what stops me from becoming the forensic scientist that I always wanted to become? Nothing. Not this little H or Big H. Not the cold that I am enduring right now. The only thing stopping me from becoming something bigger and far better is myself. That little place in my head that won't stop ringing " OMG I have Herpes." Yes I do and that is just a trial that I have to go through. We all have to get past this moment, and not let this one be the last, because it could. We can not go through life with regrets.. Because we can not change our past we can only try to lead a better future.

Harry - I hate you right now...that f*cking song is going to be stuck in my head all day now.... ~X(

Oh, can't you seeeee.... :)

The only thing that is saving your arse is the fact that you have me laughing mine off right now.... Sooooo love your humor and perspective. You really should start writing stand-up comedy - or even better, something for a TED talk that used Herpes as a reference point for living life (while educating people about Herpes at the same time). This post would be a great start... and you already have a lot of other material out there in this forum.... ;)

Don't push it Harry.... >:P

Already thinking about it. I actually do write quite a bit of comedy, and I like the idea of a TED talk. I'm not quite to Adrial's openness stage yet, but I'm getting there.

Ok, I won't push it. Speaking of which. Tone Loc.

Ain't I a stinker? ;)

When I was a young girl my mother told me, "We don't always get to choose the circumstances of our lives, but we can always choose our attitude." I believe that.

I guess I am too young to know this song.

Victoria : (Please don't hate me)...

Herry - I LOVE Tone Loc ...that one I don't mind having running through my head...I'll be dancing round the house to that one :p

Lets get some people up and dancing today :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OP5EnaaYjQ

Dancer.. OMG... Every breath you take ! Thanks again. :D

Oh goodness , I am now going to have to dig my police CD out ! Every little thing she does is magic, everything she does just turns me on .... haha am I old ?

and while we are on the topic of fear, I came across a great book a few years ago called feel the fear and do it any way by Susan Jeffers.. I have a book shelf full of bloody self help books, but this one is a good one also there is another great on called stop thinking start living Ricahrd Carlson ! if any one is interested !! :-)

I don't hate you. <3

None of y'all are old.

:-) x