Extreme Fear and Remorse - Could I have passed herpes to my kids?

Hi All, I'm a newbie, just joined today and am desperately in need of support from others. I married late and had many sexual partners over the years. About 8 years ago, I had about 4 'pimple-like' lesions pop up in my groin area which I promptly went both to a primary care physician and dermatologist to get checked out (wanted a second opinion). The Primary Care doc diagnosed as folliculitis, the dermatologist did not know but took a swab test to check for HSVII. Those tests came back negative. So, i thought, 'Ok, its a bacterial infection' and thought little else until the same thing happened about a month later. I went back to both docs, same thing, and again a swab test came back negative. I had same outbreaks occur for about 8-9 months but then became less frequent going down to once a year. After one bad outbreak, I went same day the lesions popped up, this time, the dermatologist got more sample and the tests came back positive for HSVII. That was about 4-5 negative tests before a positive one, talk about 'false negatives.' The dermatologist explained that those tests required alot of sample/virus to be able to detect and probably just not getting enough or not early enough when the shedding was peak.

The problem is that in the meantime, I married and had kids. The first child (daughter) was born with me and wife still thinking this was folliculitis, we found out i had HSVII when she was 8months pregnant with my son. My wife was tested after finding out and since HSVII can wreak havoc on newborn. My wife tested positive. I passed out when we found out from guilt, shame, remorse and fear. Luckily, both children were born healthy with 'no outward signs' of HSV and are developing normally if not better.

But, I now have a primordial fear that we have passed down to kids. I have been on valtrex since finding out and have had no outbreaks in 2+ years. I am careful not to kiss or expose kids to anything, my wife is less so having gotten info from pediatrician that hard to spread so she is not as careful. I get faint every time I see any sort of blister or redness on either child but have seen a blister in my sons cheeks about a month ago (he is now 2 1/2 and daughter is 4 1/2. The amount of guilt, shame, fear that I've ruined my family and children's lives is immense and almost unbearable. And one last thing, I LOVE being a dad and father and husband. I love having a family and spoil everyone rotten so this is very hard. I would love to hear from anyone in similar situation or have experienced similar mis-diagnosis then spreading to family members. Thanks so much.

Unfortunately testing in children is notoriously unreliable. I haven't seen anyone recommend it for any patient under the age of 12 because of the inaccuracy of the tests before that age, so there's no way you can confirm yes/no right now.

Further, since your children didn't have any visible signs or major illnesses at birth, there's always a chance they dodge the bullet on their trip through the birth canal as they were being evicted from their womb.

You sound like a great dad, and you have plenty to fear. Boys with tattoos, the guy named Suave who shows up on a motorcycle when she's 18, college, the price of beans. Focus on those things and cross the HSVII bridge if you have to. You may not have to and right now you're just speculating.

You've done the right things so far. You've gone to the doctors, you've done everything you can. Keep it up, you've got a long road ahead. And, the doctor is right about the difficulty to spread it. Just follow their advice and everything should be AOK.

Tartarus52c

First, welcome! Glad you found us!

So I can talk from the perspective of someone who has been through a VERY similar situation.... I'm just a little ahead of you in the process.

I acquired HSV1 as a kid and HSV2 in my first sexual experience. But we called HSV1 "cold sores" back then and I thought that the HSV2 was a heat rash (I lived in Fla) and this was the 70's when noone made a big deal over Herpes. Even when I got married, we were tested for Syphilis and Gonorrhea but not Herpes (HIV wasn't around then). After a couple years my ex caught if from me and that was when I was properly diagnosed. I still was pretty in the dark about the truth about it until I was pregnant and was told I HAD to have a Cesarean (this was 1986) for my first. Found out that I didn't have to have the Cesarean after she was born as long as I didn't have an OB (they were just starting to use Acyclovir then but didn't offer it to me) ... had to fight for it but had my second naturally. Neither daughter has ever caught it from me.

So some fast facts to put your mind to rest:

* There is no way you can "pass it down" to your kids. This is not genetic, it is viral. ;)

* If they had got it in delivery you would have known because newborns are VERY sensitive to it and it is really bad for them.

* I take it you don't have cold sores? If not, you have NO worries about kissing. You can't pass your GENITAL hsv2 to your kids by kissing...promise ;) If you have cold sores, then you need to be a *little* more careful but most kids are exposed to HSV1 oral anyway... By adulthood, nearly all people (60 - 90%) have been infected with HSV-1....University of Maryland Medical Center thanks to kids kissing and sharing drinks and such. So if your son DOES have HSV1 and you don't, he likely got it playing with some other kid who has cold sores. It just is what it is..... like chicken pox. Kids get it and we learn to live with it. If you want to be sure, get it swabbed as soon as you see him with an OB so you can educate him about not sharing sloppy kisses and drinks with his friends :)

* The amount of guilt, shame, fear that I've ruined my family and children's lives is immense and almost unbearable. So here's the deal. You have done nothing of the sort.

#1, you only passed it to your wife because you didn't know. And to be honest, it is possible she had it before she met you unless she was a virgin...many people are silent carriers for many many years and never know they have it....it's something you will never know at this point and really, it doesn't matter at this point where she got it. seems she is dealing with it pretty well from what you say.

#2 - you have NOT ruined your family/childrens lives. Your kids are quite safe. You don't have to worry about towels, toilets, bathtubs, or whatever if you practice NORMAL hygiene. Promise!!!

So who did you inherit the "guilt gene" from? Because it sounds like you are beating yourself up pretty good. And I can tell you from what you said, you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. Yes, you may have passed it to your wife but it could easily have been Flu/pneumonia (which can kill) ... there are so many bugs/virus's out there that we share.... this one just has a nasty stigma attached to it thanks to our puritanical forefathers and the drug companies making it out to be the plague that makes you think of it that way. Really. This is just a pain in the ass skin condition that gets a bad rap from the public. Your kids are fine. Your wife seems to be ok with it. So drop the guilt and put that energy into being a great dad ;)

(((HUGS)))

BTW, if you have not read the handouts and the handbook, download them and get informed.... because knowledge is power my friend :)

Handouts:

http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

Disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

Hi @Tartarus52c,

And welcome to an H-tastic community!

I echo much of what @WCSDancer2010 and @HerryTheHerp have said. You really have little to worry about passing to your children. HSV2 really prefers to stay on the genitals and cannot live once exposed to the air for very long since it's really not much more than a fragile parasite (I've read about 10 minutes or so).

The only thing you have to worry about is passing on the anxiety and shame of H to your children. Little ones can sense when something is wrong much more than adults realize, and you're going to do more harm by avoiding touching them or over-protectively checking them for sores.

As a kid with a crap father, I would have traded Herpes for a great dad in a heartbeat. Still would. A lifetime of being loved and supported is worth any rash and any social stigma.

What an incredible opportunity you have to teach your children that life throws some punches but that love and support and sticking together gets you through all that! Also, that caring for your health should start at birth rather than when something goes wrong!

Guilt implies you knowingly did something wrong. It is a feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation. But you haven't. Wrong was done to you. The equivalent of someone sneezing in your face during flu season, except its a little more socially sticky and little further south. Would you feel guilty about giving them eczema?

For the sake of your health, try and break down the guilt you feel. Dig deeper into the yes's and celebrate the no's.

Is it fear that your wife will leave you? Your family will reject you? Your children will blame you? Blame you for what? For giving them a rash? A rash they will have to explain to their future partners? Are you anxious that if they are H+, that you can't teach them to love and respect themselves? How will their lives actually will be ruined?

For every newbie that thinks their life is ruined, there are 10 healing who will tell you their lives are far from ruined and 5 veterans who will tell you that their lives are better for it!

The only thing H has done is add the discomfort of disclosure. Sounds like you're married to a woman you love so keep being a good husband and father and neither of you will have to worry about that.

On the slim chance your children are H+, all you've done is given them a reason not to jump quickly into sex. If your children were short then you would have taken from them the possibility of playing professional basketball. Would you feel guilty about that?

I know you're in the thick of it now but you're doing the right thing reaching out. Just remember that if you feel shame, disgust, terror, guilt, etc, so will your children and that will be the burden they carry for the rest of their lives. A burden far more harmful than H.

Sending you happy thoughts with a capital H!

My mom has the virus also. So I grew up aware of Herpes and other STD's out there. My mom always raised me to be honest and open. She was honest and open with my dad.

They are happy. They had me. Ever since I became sexually active I have constantly been tested.. I have never came back positive for it ( until now).

Even though my mom was extra careful and told me there was no way she could pass it along to me, unless she was not careful and sloppy. I went to talk to my doctor. He told me that there is no way she could pass it on to me. That I might still have the antibodies in my blood because of me being in the womb with her, but that does not mean that I have it. He said there is a slight chance that I could be positive, but it is very rare..

I grew up knowing that it was alright.

I am going to go off the H subject, when I was 14 I caught Chlamydea and my mom told me she understood. That either way you feel dirty, defeated, unwanted. She taught me about what she knew. About with what she had. She was open enough to even tell me when she was having an outbreak.

Even though I found out I had it. I was very very hard on myself at first. She was just there to tell me " I know how you feel" and "It will get better in no time."

I also think growing up knowing that my mother was H+ helped me in the healing process also.

You just need to educate your kids about this and be careful. (:

Thanks to all for great responses and support. I will be reading much more to get myself educated and your encouragement has definitely helped see things in a different and better light.

I am glad we were able to help. (: