Hopeless

I first want to apologize in advance for the negativity of this post, but this is currently how I feel :(

I can't even look at the name or bear myself to type it out so I will just call it "H." I got it from my bf, who was also the first person I was ever intimate with. We had sex many times before he actually disclosed to me he had it( I was making jokes about STDs and he started crying and that was how I found out). In all honesty, it did not bother me in the least when he told me he had it. I cared and loved him very much. We broke up earlier this yr and now that I am back into the dating scene with this thing it feels terrible. I currently am casually dating a nice guy. When I first disclosed to him about this thing called H, he was very understanding and caring and gave me a big hug when I saw him the next day. I even told him if he didn't want to see me anymore b/c of this to let me know now and that it honestly would not hurt my feeling b/c I've had much worse pain in my life. Well he hasn't told me to hit the high road yet, its been about two months now and were still seeing each other. He did tell me once that he likes me a lot,etc,etc but my condition does scare him...what a great feeling. I told him many times I feel bad for freaking him out but he tells me to not think that I do. I even apologized to him for letting him meet me and get involved with me to then find out I have H and he also told me to not feel that way and thats its been a pleasure for him to have met me. Sadly, I still feel like this freak deep down inside :(

We did have sex once, it was not very long and I'm not 100% convinced that he even enjoyed it or "finished" b/c he was so scared inside. He did tell me a week or two after if I slept over his house that we could not have sex b/c of my H. I feel really bad that he is involved with a woman that he feels he cannot even be intimate with. Needless to say, I'm very depressed and I have suicidal thoughts due to this. I have always been such a strong person but this has gotten me. I am currently in nursing school and plan on becoming an NP in the mental health field which is kind of ironic since I need alot of help myself:/

I also feel very homocidal against my ex when I think of how he has "tainted" me. I never felt for one day that he had any remorse or concern that he got involved with me and that I caught this from him. Thankfully there is alcohol in this world. I am 25 and will be lucky if I make it to 30 if Im still feeling this way. I feel so bad for luring men into wanting to date/be with me to then find that I have this. It almost feels cruel to me, it really does. Having "the talk" and not making a big deal about it so they dont freak out, wow really? I just can wrap myself to understand why I should act so calm and casually about it when talking about it to a potential sex partner. Feels cruel to lure them into wanting to stay with me. I even told this guy I'm seeing that he should find a nice, normal girl and amazingly he still chooses to see me. I really do feel bad that I lured him into wanting to date me for him to find out I have this...somebody please help me.

You don't have to apologize for being negative and being emotional. We all go through it. Having emotions means your human, and that's a good thing.

It's ok to be upset over your diagnosis. It's not like anyone wakes up in the morning and adds "Contract herpes" to their list of life's dreams and wants. I've yet to hear anyone say "YAY! I contracted herpes," and quite honestly I'd question the mental integrity of anyone who did. Look at the positive though: You know you have this. You're being responsible with it. You're being honest with it. You're already 10 steps ahead of your ex.

As far as the suicide and homicide, neither are good options. It's a skin condition that can be managed. That's all it is. Don't let it drive you over the edge. It's no worse than psoriasis, eczema, or acne. Look at it from that angle and it's much easier to deal with.

We all understand feeling alone, and we all understand what it feels like to not want to be alone. It's a fear that's exacerbated by the bumps and blisters we sometimes see. But, those bumps and blisters can make you one helluva nurse. They'll give you a level of compassion and understanding that you can bring to the table when you're treating patients who have cancer or AIDS, and are standing on Heaven's doorstep. That's going to make you one incredible nurse, so don't give up now.

You shouldn't feel dirty. You're not dirty. We've all got a past and unfortunately for those of us here, that past has left us with some battle scars on our bodies and our hearts. But those scars make you beautiful, and a true man, a real man, will see just how sexy, strong, and empowered those scars have made you. Real men look beyond a woman's skin and straight into her heart because they know that beauty will fade, but what's inside will age like a fine wine and taste even sweeter as the year's pass by.

Give your boyfriend time. Answer his questions and take steps to alleviate his fears. Don't focus on the herpes and let other, more important things be the foundation for your relationship. By focusing on your shared interests, your shared dreams and desires, he'll soon forget about the bumps and blisters and see you as the wonderful woman you are.

Well.. let me start with him...since him is who i know.. although it is him taking the risk,and i more than agree that he should be the one setting the rules for sex..that being said.. he either loves you enough to accept the risk.. (i assume he knows the percentages) or he doesnt. That half way acceptance thing he appears to have is far more harmful than walking away. Imo he either trusts you enough for YOU to tell him when sex is not at option.. or he doesnt. When he tells you no based on his own fear.. i think it becomes unacceptable for YOU. this is a all or nothing condition,means he accepts the risk 100% or not at all.

Now.. you : tainted? That is a aw full lot of power your giving to a skin condition. Your feelings are tied to the stigma of herpes (as is his) and not the reality of it. Herpes wont kill you,it eventually for most peeps over time becomes nothing but a inconvenience: suicide however is forever.. if you decide on that route.. you did so not because of your condition but because some clever marketing caused a unfair stigma.. you will have done so out of peer pressure.. and that just seems absurd to me. Your not alone in Your condition or the powerful emotion tied to it,i encourage you to keep talking to the peeps you see here or other support groups. For right now remember that the important things that make you you are the same.. ((((hugs))) it really is going to be ok.

@JMNOLA2

First, Welcome! Glad you found this site.

So - question. Have you actually been tested? Because you don't mention that or outbreaks..... just because you were with someone who has H doesn't mean you definitely have it...

Assuming you have had a positive test, let me say one thing. When a guy is wishy washy about having sex because of your condition, WALK AWAY! I tried with 2 guys who were both very nervous (because they both were ignorant about STD's ) and they couldn't get over it.

And I promise you, it really is a nuisance skin condition..... it WILL get better over time....

(((HUGS)))

Be comfortable with yourself first. Like those handouts said. I know its hard in the beginning. i felt the same way too. If you feel tainted chances are its projecting that onto thus guy you're seeing. I told one of my guy friends who i was interested in and when i txted him it was in a state of depression and looking for acceptance from him. Needless to say thevflirty talks stopped. its been a few months now but now that I'm in a state of where its no big deal and cn joke about i, he's gotten confortable and we are talking about it again. Sometimes i think people need some time to accept things. people we care about but mostly ourselves. You may justvnot be ready for a relationship if u are looking for acceptance and validation from someone. Sometimes people need time alone to get their mind right. And when u get back to not feeling tainted and feeling like you're normal self again you know you're ready. I'm noy saying everyday will be sunshine and daisies. you will have bad days. Butv gotta love yourself first. That's not just some tired quote. its real. And when u love yourself it makes people flock more naturally to u. And something. else. You are so caught up in him getting this from you have you asked him to get tested? Has hevthought maybe i need to know my status before sleeping with someone new? You're worth it to know his status and for him to get tested befire sleeping with you. Hope everything gets better and you feel better soon.