About to disclose herpes to a casual partner

Hey, everyone!

One thing I really miss about my HSV negative days was not worrying so much about casual sex. Back in the day, I really felt strong, sexy, and confident - like I could just pick someone up without much effort. Now, I feel like it's gonna take a lot of persuading.

I'm talking to someone right now, and we've both confessed that we have a connection and we really like each other. The last time I disclosed to someone, it was the guy who may have given it to me, and he dumped me as quick as possible.

It seems like things are heading towards us hooking up. We've shared a lot of really personal information, and he seems to be very accepting and nonjudgmental. He also seems to like me a lot. But I am terrified to tell him I have HSV.

Not only would it break my heart if he rejected me, but I think the possibility that someone could be so accepting and non-judgmental and STILL reject me with all my good traits and features scares the shit out of me.

I'm currently deciding whether to tell him on our first date, or to just eff it and tell him while we're talking over text and sharing a bunch of personal stuff. I understand it's more traditional to disclose to someone in person, but I really don't want to waste my time or get my heart/dignity stomped on in person.

Thoughts?

Its seems like you really like him and vice versa. Why rush into having sex if there is potential for something more meangful and deeper level? Unless of course all the 2 of you want it to have sex then tell him when the chance to tell him comes up, but in person!!!

I would say if you think you may want something more than just a casual thing. Take your time getting to know each other more first.

No matter when you tell him, if he leaves, its not u he is leaving, and who wants someone who is not open minded?

Those are my thoughts. I really hope they are of help to you in someway.

Aimee

@spellsinginghippie Okay, my absolute recommendation is to do it in person, if you choose to. Imagine this, it would be much easier to reject someone via text because you can't see their face or hear their tone. Flip the card over, if he sent you a text it would be much easier to reject it because you don't have to look at that person, but in person, you see how vulnerable and hard it is to look someone in the face and say, "This is what I got, how I got it, risk of transmission." I don't know what I am trying to say, like, compassion is given much easier in person than over text because you can see that come through in someone's eyes, the hurt, or pain, or fear of rejection.

I agree with Aimee, if you see potential for more and both of you want more, hold out. Enjoy the moment right now, get to know each other more, kiss, cuddle, whatever. See if this man respects you, figure out whether there is trust there. I don't know how long you two have been talking but if you haven't even had a first date yet, I wouldn't just jump the gun and be like I have herpes. Just not a good idea if you ask me. Let him get to know you some before just blurting it out. And when you do tell him, be confident. That is key I think. Be secure in yourself.

If you want to just have sex, well then yeah, you are going to have to be pretty upfront about it soon and the risk of rejection is much higher because there are plenty of women who don't have it he can go just get a nice screw from. To me the question is, what do you truly want? Casual sex or something more? Once you decide that then you know what to do.

I am terrified of being rejected too. I know how hard that is and how scary it can be. But, I have this thought, because although I have disclosed to one man (we will never be anything, he is a long time friend, who took is surprisingly well, we just mess around from time to time), but I know that a man I actually may date may not be so understanding. My thought is this: if I do this is in person and he rejects me, and I show him the door, I am one hell of a strong woman. A woman that wears her scars, wears her fears, and shows her weakness to a man, and he still rejects her, it's that dumbasses problem, not mine, and thank God he walked out because I don't want a man that is weaker than I am. I have come to realize that I am much stronger than half the women out there because of this. I have weathered every possible emotion the human body can present, I have wrestled with my own mind to the point of insanity, I have had the strength to look at people in the face and say this is my story, but most importantly, I have realized that a woman that has never had to walk in the shoes I have or been in a situation that comes half as close to what I have been through with their own body, does not know what true strength is. There are many bad things that happen in life, this is one of them, but allowing yourself to open up to a man in person like that, whether he rejects you or not and even though if he does reject you it may hurt for a while, that is true strength. And, to me, there is nothing more beautiful than a woman who weathers through a storm, and comes out a stronger woman because of it. If he don't see it, another man will. I have my faith.

Great post @thisisgoingtobeokay !! Amen!

OK, first of all, you guys are awesome. Thank you.

To provide more clarity about the situation, he's just visiting from out of town (he's in the military), so a relationship is out of the question (neither one of us believes in long distance), unfortunately. I know it might seem odd that we're talking so much, but I don't see a problem with having a casual non-casual relationship. If that makes sense. So we do want to be close to one another, but he returns home soon.

Thank you for the advice about doing it in person. I will definitely take that advice. I think it will be more effective, too, now that you put it that way.

Thanks for the uplifting words. I appreciate all of them. I really admire all of you and how you all seem to have the strength for this. You're my heroes! :)

@thisisgoingtobeokay hit the nail on the head (Proud of you girlie! Look at you! A woman that wears her scars, wears her fears, and shows her weakness to a man, and he still rejects her, it's that dumbasses problem, not mine, and thank God he walked out because I don't want a man that is weaker than I am. I have come to realize that I am much stronger than half the women out there because of this. You are getting badass chica!

@Spellsinginghippie .. TiGtBOK was a WRECK not long ago. Look how far she has come. Her story of disclosing to a casual partner is here: http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2056/semi-success-i-dont-know-just-read-it-#Item_19

One thing I really miss about my HSV negative days was not worrying so much about casual sex

Hate to say it but that is what got you/us into this mess :p

BUT, you can use that to your favor. Because you can tell them that you got it from someone who is in denial/refuses to get tested who is STILL out there having sex and likely passing it on. Are you on Supressants? If now, you probably should be for his safety. Explain to him you KNOW you have it and you can reduce his risk from 4% to 2% with the drugs and 1% with condom... and you wouldn't do anything if you suspect you are shedding. Make it clear that you are looking after HIS health and that the person who gave it to you is not alone in his denial of his status.... that he may even be carrying it unknowingly himself (ie, ask him if he KNOWS he has been tested for Herpes because most people have never been tested (and believe they have). You may want to ask him to get tested so he knows his status ... if he enjoys casual sex there's a decent chance he has been exposed to it already...only thing is whether he has hit the crap shoot or not and got it :P

Print out the disclosure and diagnosis handouts and get to know the facts before you talk to him - and have it to hand to him too. And if he walks, well then, he's in denial about the risks of casual sex and it's not about you, it's about him :(

Handouts:

http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

Disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

(((HUGS)))

I got all the handouts, etc. But thank you! I appreciate it.

I'm not sure who gave it to me. I've narrowed it down to two guys - one hasn't gotten tested, one I don't have any contact with.

Yeah, I know I know I know. Casual sex is what got me into this mess. I should have been more careful.

Thanks for the advice. I'm not sure it made me feel better, but it was real.

i'm all for casual sex if that is what works for people but usually casual sex just "happens" so you don't have time to get tested and make sure they get tested...so there is the inherent risk involved with getting STD's because you are trusting them to be honest AND up to date....

So Herpes may be something that can save you from a far worse STD....offer to "show him yours if he will show you his" STD tests :) Explain you need to be sure because you have already had one experience where someone didn't let you know their status and you won't take that risk again.

(((HUGS)))