New to the forum, guilt over past

Hello All:

I am new to this forum and looking for support. I've been in therapy regularly but thought that (h)opportunity would be a good supplement to my recovery.

In a nutshell, I was told several years ago that I am a carrier for HSV 2 via a blood test. It was very confusing for me as I never and still never have had an outbreak. However, I've done more research on this and have discovered that many people are carriers for the virus without knowing it.

I struggle immensely with guilt over past mistakes. At the time of my diagnosis, my personal physician told me that even though I tested positive for HSV 2, it's unlikely I could transmit the virus since I've never had an outbreak. At the time, I really believed this and so did not disclose to some of my partners. After doing more research, however, and seeking a second opinion, I learned that it is possible to spread HSV 2 through viral shedding even if I don't have an outbreak. Since learning of this knowledge, I now disclose before sexual activity that I am a carrier for HSV 2. But what I can't seem to get over is the period of time when I did not disclose. Looking back on it now, I should have went for a second opinion right away but really trusted my doctor at the time. The thought of infecting the people I cared about most gives me great pain. I hear stories of people contracting herpes and then becoming suicidal. It makes my head spin that I could have possibly spread the virus and caused someone to take their own life. I know it sounds extreme, but that's what I struggle with.

Does anybody have similar issues? How have you learned best to cope with past mistakes?

Thanks,

Firefly

Well, don't beat yourself up too badly. The woman I was dating and gave this gift to me never showed symptoms and had no idea herself. She's taking it pretty hard, too. She's actually taking it harder than I am and she's a carrier like you. 80% of the people who have herpes have no idea they have it; that's how it spreads so easily, and carriers usually find out because someone gives them an angry phone call saying "WTF?" If you haven't gotten an angry phone call, you just might be in the clear. Look at it that way.

You got tested and you listened to your doctor. You did the right thing. His misinformation is not your fault. Yes, you should have done more research, but I don't think many people would have given the same situation. After all, your doctor has a degree is supposed to be an expert. Right? Problem is, most doctors get about 10 minutes of training on herpes and that's about it.

Assuming you used condoms and got really lucky, there's a small chance you transmitted it to anyone you didn't disclose to. Risk goes up somewhat if you went swimming without a raincoat. If you're still in contact with the women you went to bed with, take 'em out for coffee, explain the situation just like you did here. Start from soup to nuts and be honest. On second thought, take 'em out for ice tea. If they're angry and virally enhanced, it'll hurt less than hot coffee.

Look, we're all here coping with past mistakes. Some were mistakes, and some were misfortunes. Doesn't really matter. Consider yourself lucky you don't get OB's. That's a blessing. And, you're doing the right thing now. You're getting educated and you are telling partners because you know better now. Honestly, we're all learning about this virus, and what we don't know today, we learn tomorrow. It's a process, and through the process we learn to heal.

You make decisions based on the information your given: most wont admit to past mistakes because it then makes them the evil thing known as the "Giver" that cruel sadistic selfish uncaring POS that put us all in the herpes boat.. knowing what we know NOW about herpes of course ANYTHING less than full disclosure the instant you think it might get intimate would be insidious. ..BUT there was time we were told that you couldnt spread it with out having sex during a outbreak.. . I have already admitted to transmitting herpes to another.... i did everything with in my power to be responsible based on the information i was give at the time. I feel guilty about that.. im not sure that's avoidable.. but for me it just gets down to intent . When its all said and done they have it you gave it to them they will never be the same you cant undo it.. and no amount of suffering on my part changes any of that.

Im inclined to believe if they killed themselves over a no life threatening condition they have issues bigger than herpes.

@fireflynajar

First, welcome to the forum. Glad to meet you.

So here's my take. A mistake is something you do when you make a choice based on information and you choose the option that doesn't have a "good" outcome.

YOU, my friend, didn't make a mistake. The Dr you went to gave you incorrect information (and someone needs to go kick his ass for it IMO! BUT, it's very common for Family Practitioners to be very behind the times on their Herpes info). You lived your life based on the information given to you by the medical professional that you trusted to be up on the latest knowledge. (Truth of the matter is, a Family Practitioner just plain CAN'T keep up with all the new info...but noone tells you that)

The only way to cope with past "mistakes" is to go back and clean them up. Now that you know, you have the ability to reach out to those past partners. I think Harry had a great suggestion regarding letting them know about the situation (and DO explain you were going on the advice of your Dr.) You see, so much incorrect info is out there. YOU can be part of the catalyst for change. Print out the handouts here...esp the Disclosure handout (I'd print them all out though) and give them to those people that you believe could be at risk. Tell them that most people don't get the full range of STD tests (even thought they *think* they have) and that they need to go in and ask for the Herpes/HPV/Chlamydia tests (not that you gave them the other two but likely they have not been tested for them). And if they have questions, send them here.

@whatsallthehubbub

Regarding the Herpes/suicidal thing...yes - some may already have had deeper issues.But the other problem is that those problems (or not) are triggered by a stigma that is soooo deep and soooo "shameful" (because they don't know that H is an equal opportunity disease and it doesn't mean you are a slut or dirty or whatever) that they feel their life is over.

THAT is what we are battling and working to change here...why it is so important to educate anyone you can ... and the best place to start is with past partners...because we/they are proof that the system is broken and needs fixing :)

Peace