Universe cannot cut me a break...yet, I did find this site

Wow, what a forum. My heart and mind needed to find a community like this so desperately. I was crying so much on Christmas day and felt absolutely alone with my new condition.

To be honest, this was supposed to be the year that my life finally turned around for the better. I'm 24 years old, and for 13 years (more than half my life) I have been battling a detrimental skin condition...acne. I am extremely sad that, at last, I had recently found a miracle pill that was really working for me to clear my skin and allow myself to live life more fully/freely. I enjoyed that bliss for all of a about a month. :(

Found out I have herpes a few days ago.

I was finally learning how to be a normal person and to feel a bit of confidence for once in my life. I had searched desperately for years for the right acne medication, without much assistance as far as effectiveness from actual dermatologists. It was thanks to me, not any doctor, that I found the one drug that ended up being the right one, and I basically told them what to prescribe me.

I was so proud, thankful and exuberant for the success. I was finally going to live without that constant hurdle to tackle and that daily blow to my self esteem. I was looking forward to no more hiding, no more embarrassment...

So, to say the least, I am going through a hell storm of anger and resentment at myself for getting herpes...something permanent. It's almost like the Universe just said, "Hah! Joke is on you! You aren't meant to live without a shameful condition." I thought my time to let myself shine had come...and instead, life just said f**k you! I just feel so unlucky, foolish, and devastated. I just wanted to live without any skin related burdens anymore. I guess that is a lot to ask for. I have really suffered tremendously for so long...and now this. I am so tired.

So, on the plus side, feeling burdened is not unfamiliar territory to me. I'm used to it. This is just a different brand of shame I'll have to contend with now. I hope I can deal with the wretched disappointment and feeling of loss. This site has helped tremendously. Reading the stories of success on here gives me a shred of hope. I have no choice but to believe that self acceptance is possible. I'm having a rough time on my own and don't want to be isolated, and I feel that separateness so deeply now.

I'm sorry I went on a rant here, but I needed a moment to openly express this frustration. I'm truly in mourning of the bright future that was at my finger tips. I don't want to be stay in a negative and self pitying frame of mind, yet I also don't want to repress sad feelings that are meant to be felt. What a conundrum...

A loft of us here just found out, and you are far from alone. Trust me when I say that everyone on this site can relate 110% to your story and your emotions. We're all at different stages of accepting this, learning about it, and realizing that while our lives have changed, we're still the same people on the inside that we were before our diagnosis.

The reality is that it does get better. The most important thing for you to remember is to keep that flicker of hope alive and not to let this consume you. 1 in 4 women in America, and 1 in 5 men know exactly what you are going through. That means almost 60 million American adults have walked the same path.

Keep your head up, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep walking towards it.

@LexaMarie

First - welcome to the forums! Glad you found us. As Harry said, we can all relate. And I promise you id DOES get better.

One thing many of us on here believe is that H often seems to come to send you a message about yourself...in your case, perhaps it was "things *could* always be worse. You see, you lived with the stigma and shame of something that you had no control over - it's not like you went out and *got* acne. It got you. And it sucks when you are dealing with it. But short of perhaps Stage 4 cancer or paralysis, there are sooo many things that we can get/have happen to us that *could* be worse. And people with Stage 4 and many paralysis patients STILL say their life is awesome...because they have used that to help them understand what is REALLY important in life.

So take it from someone why has had this for most of her life (and who hit the jackpot and got BOTH types). It really IS a nuisance skin condition (I get it it's hard to see that right now). And you WILL be ok.

Use this site ... sooo many great success stories coming out. Be careful what you read - there is so much crap out there. We're here for you..... so try to believe you will be ok...because you will :)

(((HUGS)))

Ah, LM ... The one thing for you to realize in all of this is that you aren't alone. We are all human. We all feel pain. And we can all heal. Together. I'm glad you found us. And even more importantly, I'm glad you're reaching out. For you. And for others who need to hear it. So many people come to this site. And all they can do is read. Participating is a new level of opening up. So for you to come and open yourself up, to vent, to be real ... That is healing and cathartic to so many others who don't feel that they can speak out yet. It's a gradual shift for each of us to become more and more accepting of ourselves and whatever comes to us in life. So that we can use it as leverage from the heart to live and love more deeply than we ever thought possible.

Firstly, I love how inspiring you all of you guys are! It makes me wish I could interact with people like you on a daily basis. I grew up in a family of cynics and have been fighting to be aware of their internalized voices in my head for a long time. Having herpes has demanded that I focus on overcoming those fearful views I had of the world. Seeing you guys being openly vulnerable, authentic, and accepting is such a gift to me. I hope that I will be able to do that for others at some point. I am feeling an overwhelming compassion for suffering now.

@HerrytheHerp

Yeah, those statistics do help, but I wish the 80% of people that don't know they have it knew, because then how could so many people in a population feel they are so less than and gross? One in FOUR girls?! It is so common that it completely stupid what a fuss is made. Now I go around wondering who has it. Those who don't know they have it that would wrongly judge those who do know...such a shame!

I am starting to feel more like myself again, and reading your words contributed to that greatly. My flicker of hope feels like more than just a flicker now.

@WSCDancer2010

Thank you for the hug!! ^_^ Yes, I have been thinking in terms of how things can be worse a lot recently. It is true I'm not dying and I've been practicing gratitude more actively now and it helps. I just wish I could have been more careful. It was in my power to protect myself and I feel like I failed. My biggest regret...

I'm looking forward to possibly making new friends through this. Suffering with others, as it turns out, tends to almost eliminate the suffering for me.

@Adrial

:) Thank you being you! I'm glad I'm able to participate, too. It isn't easy at first. What I really want is to be connected through this and you have made that possible for everyone. I really wish I could be in North Carolina for your seminars.

Lexa - Adrial is working on a home study course that will be out soon. If you can't make it to NC that will be the next best thing :)

@LexaMarie hi & welcome to this awesome forum. Believe me, all the members here will shower you with helpful information and encouragement whenever you need it. I also had the wonderful problem of acne, lol. I got Accutane and in a few months my skin was amazing and I haven't had any issues since but then I found out I had HSV2. I know how you feel. Trust me. Learn as much as you can about herpes and try to relax. Easier said than done but life is meant to be enjoyed. Just put this into perspective and you will find a new normal for yourself. Soooooo many people have herpes. You probably know a bunch of people with it and don't even realize it. Chin up buttercup! :-)