Used to be lonely with herpes. Not so lonely anymore :)

I was diagnosed almost 3 years ago with HSV2. After my "gift" giver called it quits I was completely devastated. Thank goodness for Professor H and my fellow tele-seminar participants. My entire life has changed, and for the better! So I met this amazing man at the end of July. I'd been doing online dating like crazy and was pretty much fed up and over it because I'd met jerk after jerk. For those of you that have spent any time in the online dating world, you'll get what I mean by this - it was sucking the life out of me, killing my soul. Dating is hard. Online dating is harder. Add herpes to the mix and ugh. Let's just say I never thought I was going to meet anyone worth my time, my effort, my feelings, and ultimately worth a disclosure. Herpes makes a girl pretty discerning when it comes to future mates.

Anyway so this amazing man.

We met online at the end of July on a dating site. He works a crazy schedule so we didn't meet in person until a couple weeks later. Once he got my number though, he started calling me every night on his drive home from work. We've since put in a ton of talk time. Way better than texting!!! We had our first date and it was hands down THE best first date I have ever been on. I started to get excited, like really excited. The weekend after our first date I met up with him and we went on a late night drive into the mountains and watched the meteor shower. The next weekend? Camping alone in the woods!!! Luckily, and sorry if this is TMI, Mother Nature was especially cruel the month of August and I was on my period almost the entire month. It prevented me from having a hurried awkward disclosure. Things got heated while camping so I knew the talk was imminent. The following weekend he came to my house and stayed the night. I'd never been happier to still have my period because I wasn't quite ready to talk about it.

Cut to this past weekend. Mother Nature FINALLY gave me a reprieve. The man and I had continued to speak daily and I absolutely knew I had to talk to him. We had gotten in from a Labor Day fireworks display and were soaked to the bone because it ended up pouring rain. Things between us got heated very quickly, and I knew it was now or never. So I told him we needed to cool off a bit and talk. I said we need to have a chat about sexual history. I told him I was never a believer in the wait until marriage idea, but I had wanted to wait for love. Love never came and when the opportunity presented itself I jumped at it. So I've only ever been with one man. His response? That's great! Then I told him I was 29 when that happened. His response? That's great too! Then I told him I'm not sure if great is the word I'd use because he was carrying something I didn't want. So then this man interrupts me and and says "I just want to interject how unfair it is that so many people can whore around without taking precautions and get off scott free and then...." I took the conversation back with "and people like me get herpes from the only person they've ever slept with." I told him I'm on daily suppressive meds and that while there is risk involved for him, that risk is low. I just needed him to know so he could make that decision for himself because it sucks to not have the choice. I also told him that herpes changed my life, quite unexpectedly for the better. Then? This amazing man, he kissed me. Told me that's what condoms are for and if we were to sleep together that the choice of doing so was entirely up to me. Of course we TOTALLY did. :) He has voiced to me that he's nervous about getting it, but I told him that the risk is low. We'll use protection and if I feel any symptoms at all, there's plenty of other things we can do.

But here is what I want to know now - what are the risk factors? He wants kids one day. If we make it to that point, what are the odds that we can do that without him getting it? Oral sex for me? I'm not going to lie, I miss it! I'm on 1 gram alacyclovir daily and haven't had an outbreak in over a year now with rare occurrences of the tingling sensation that accompanies viral shedding. How can I put his mind at ease to make the good sex, great sex?

Well you know how I feel about this based on our chat yesterday. ;) I'm still in full-on celebration mode! WOOHOO! So cool that such an awesome girl can find such an awesome guy. Sometimes things just have a tendency to work like that. I'm so happy/proud/excited/pumped/loving right now about all of this for you. What are the risk factors? Low if you can keep an eye on your prodromal symptoms and avoid sex when you feel those coming on. And oral sex is actually much less risky than you might think. There are varying degrees of things I've heard on this, but all point to it being on the low end of genital HSV-2 being passed orally. (However, oral HSV-1 can pass easily to the genitals.) If you're worried and can't fully let go of that worry, start with a dental dam. Have fun with it. Play around with it. Don't let this stop you from gettin' yours, girl. ;)

Again, I'm all giddy over here for you. Enjoy this! You deserve it! :)

I was with someone for 3.5 years and took acyclovir daily! We have a beautiful 2 year old and hey ex is herpes free! We only used condoms about 50% of the time so I know you can be safe about it.

Do u guys think that fact may be something I can/ should disclose when talking to my next love interest?!

Yeah, my girlfriend and I don't use condoms, I take daily suppressive therapy (Acyclovir, 400mg 2x daily), and for the 3 years we've been together, she hasn't gotten it. The chances are actually pretty low of passing herpes if you know your prodromal symptoms, are aware of them and take suppressive therapy. And FYI, whether to use condoms or not are purely a personal decision that each couple makes together. If the partner without herpes is willing to take on more risk to trade off less protection, that's their decision to make. And hey, sex with a condom is still pretty damn sexy, too. ;)

Looks like I won't be having to worry about it anyway. Another one bites the dust :( No explanations, no excuses - just poof into thin air like all the rest. Who knows if it had anything at all to do with the H. And honestly, who cares? All I know is I'm back to feeling completely insignificant.

What? He just stopped returning your calls? What's up with this string of guys not even being forthright with you? I'm sorry, Jacqueline. And don't let him vanishing mean anything about you. You're NOT insignificant (as far as I can see, at least ... are you seeing something I'm not?). Regardless, I feel your pain. And I'm sending you love from NC, girl. I hope to see you in October.

Oh how painful, darling girl. I so get your pain, many of us women have been through this situation, a man romances us, we think it's real, he gets what he wants and he's out the door without a word. You are not alone. Deep breathe, and pull your power back! do not let him have you feel this way, he's the one who's insignificant, NOT you! Would you treat anyone like that? Look at that girl in the mirror and say, You are beautiful strong and loving, and learning to love yourself more. Then say it all again with "I" instead of "you".

Something else to consider: as we've noted before, language is powerful. I respectfully suggest you consider changing your user name here. If you keep calling yourself "lonelygirl" guess what you are creating? you could be joyousgirl, or lovinggirl, appreciatedgirl............choose your own, feel free to use one of these!

I send you love beauty peace and power. Hang in there girl, learn to love yourself, you can add to your mirror exercise, "I attract only worthy men, who honor me".

Your creative power is limitless, you can use this yucky experience to point you in the direction of discovering your own power. Use it to learn something bigger than the pain, that's how you reclaim your power. Big sister hug coming across cyberspace! xxx

Ok so maybe not MiA entirely... Is there ever a point where you don't expect the worst to happen? I swear, I've been shit on so many times that I'm unable to turn off that negative nancy that hangs out in my head.

Another big hug coming your way lonelygirl...and listen to Lively sis ;-) Our thoughts are sooooooo powerful and its hard to believe, when you are in the negative habit (and yes I have been there too) that you can actually change your thoughts to positive ones. The point where you don't expect the worst to happen is when you get it that its not your circumstances but the way you think about them that creates your world.

I love Lively's affirmation, you need to say this every day at least fifty times (stopping at lights, while cleaning your teeth, before you go to sleep at night...get the picture?!) Remember that what you think about expands...

You are worthy, and when you expect the best there will be no more men leaving like they have because you will choose different men....ones who are worthy too :-) x

I've come to realize that for some reason guys pull the disappearing act regardless of (H). I wouldn't take it personally and it goes to show that sometimes (H) isn't the cause of relationships just not working out. I've tried the whole online dating with (H) sites and it's the same thing; you get to know someone, you think it's going good, then poof..gone. Which leads me to believe that even with having (h) in common it shouldn't form the basis of relationships; easier said that done of course. Sorry if I'm generalizing and I'm certain women do the "poof" as well, but maybe guys can weigh in on some background of "the disappearing act". In my opinion it would be a whole heck of a lot easier for explanations. It's not you, there's just something that doesn't click, or they've found someone else, or it's distance, or scheduling, or maybe they're just inconsiderate weirdos. In my experience, i've tried the H dating sites and it's the same thing. That being said, i'm still not ready to face the possibility of disclosing, so I choose the dating sites and bypass that. I'm not one to post or reply to messages, but I felt the need to put my two cents in this fully loaded message.

Unfortunately I'm unable to change my username. Adrial? Any idea if it is possible?

Things with the man are rolling along. When he was MIA, he was thinking. Everyone has the right to mull over things, esp of this nature. We are supposed to see each other this weekend and I hope to have excellent news to report. I'm excited to get past the disclosure/acceptance stage and enter into what I know could be a great relationship.

Cool, yes, I can change your username easily. Your wish is my command. What shall we dub thee, madame? :)

Glad to hear he was simply in a mulling mood instead of a poofing mood. You deserve better than poofing. ;) Much love, _________! (fill in the blank)

Give me my old AOL moniker - funlovngrl8675. Also, can you turn my pic right side up? Pretty please?

Done and done ... wow, you're getting a total makeover, from screen name to picture! I like it! :) And yes, funlovngrl fits you sooooo much better. I like it when a name matches a personality.

Oh this is such a great thread! great to see your new name, Ms Funloving! just want to underline something else that can be useful, as your experience, being such a common one of men as well as women...the lovely new lover disappearing I mean...here's an opportunity to notice how much we allow other people's actions to dictate how we feel, especially how we feel about ourselves. You can learn to feel as you choose.......it takes a bit of learning as it's not culturally normal, but nothing beats personal power. Look at all that upset you went through, and he was just having a think!

Just to add another bit, I'm fascinated by dating distinctions, especially now in the age of neuroscience. It seems men sometimes disappear like your guy when they are actually considering the relationship as a serious possibility and having a checkin with themselves. Being less directly connected with deep feeling than women, they sometimes have to disconnect from us to be able to feel their own feelings...+ being less the communicators than women are, they don't think to say to us, btw I need to go and be alone for a bit. John Gray and other relationship experts talk about this quite a bit. Also have heard men disappear when they are really disappearing because they don't want to deal with female fury. Both have been true in my experience, would love some feedback from the men here.....

Love it love it love it!!!!! Your new name suits you sooo much better and says everything about where you want to be :-) And Lively..love your insights...as for men who go 'poof' - I say be thankful they poofed when they did - saves a whole lot of drama down the road with them!!!

I finally have closure so I thought I'd give you guys an update. I saw him once more after my last post. We had lunch and as usual, it was great. After burying himself in voluntary overtime at work, he finally ended things at the end of September. He said it wasn't fair to either of us that we couldn't see each other more often and that he needed to figure some stuff out. It was a really bad day. Truth be told, it's been a rough ride ever since it happened. I've had a lot of time to process, think, digest, etc and in my heart of hearts I know that he is different than the rest. Better than any guy I've ever dated. We've been in sporadic contact since then, sadly always solicited by me. I needed to know why it wasn't going to work out with us. This guy was my first actual relationship since I was diagnosed. It was important to me why we wouldn't work. I wrote to him. Snail mail style. I felt that would read more serious than an email. I told him everything I felt and that I needed to know if there was ever a chance that we would be together. That was 2 agonizing weeks ago. I finally got my closure in the mail today. He is the man I know him to be. He's amazing. I'm sad we won't be together but I understand why now and it really has nothing to do with the H. I learned a lot from him and from our relationship. I learned that I've been selling myself short. He's the first man to treat me like he did and now I'll never settle for less and will aim for even better. I learned to not place that much emphasis on another's acceptance of my skin disorder. The minute he accepted me, I fell and I fell hard. I thought that was our biggest challenge and it would be easy after that. It's just one of many things. A lover's acceptance is paramount yes, but love is not borne only of acceptance. I've learned that I need to be clear about relationship expectations before sleeping with someone and that just because I'm seeing someone that wants a relationship doesn't mean we'll end up in one. Even if he accepts my herpes and even if we sleep together. I'm very much so on the mend now. Going to take some time for myself. Up my time in the gym. When I'm ready to date again, it's on. I have a new standard to meet. I know I'm worth it.

Congratulations on getting closure, it does free us up; and also on making this be a powerful and useful experience, another step towards getting what you want. Sometimes it's better if we do know exactly our requirements for a relationship,and don't sleep with the guy until you know they are met, and that you meet their requirements too. Other times you can be lovers and work out requirements as you go, it all depends how vulnerable and attached you feel with sex. So great that he has raised the bar for you on how you will allow yourself to be treated. Look after yourself, and thanks so much for letting us know.

Adrial,

I was diagnosed 3 weeks ago. I had a 4 month split from my boyfriend of 6 years and decided to date someone new to try and mend my broken heart. Three weeks into dating BAM.... suspicious symptoms south of the border. He confessed he gets cold sores so we are pretty sure thats how it happened. This was too much for me to handle from someone I had just started dating so I dropped the guy like a hot rock. A week later my ex has come back begging to be with me again but how do I tell him THIS ???

Ive decided I dont need to yet ...or at least for awhile untill I come to terms with this and as long as him and I arent sleeping together. Ive come to learn that you dont go around telling everyone about this and you must find someone "safe" to talk to. I chose my therapist today and that was the first time Ive told anyone.

Ive spent hours on end reading the internet and I am astonished at how very few people there are out there like you, Adrial. You are literally picking people up out of the depths of emotional trauma. My sexual identity is a massive part of who I am and when this happens your sexual confidence feels rocked. I watched a post with you and a young girl from Hawaii. Your candid, sweet, and incredibly honest conversation with her moved me in a way I cant explain. I Wanted to reach through the screen and hug you two beautiful people.

I am fearful some days, mourning a bit of loss of freedom and unsure of the future between my ex and I but because of you I am not alone in this world and that is about the only reason I am able to keep going and enjoy everything in my life.... I think about your words everyday

The minute he accepted me, I fell and I fell hard. I thought that was our biggest challenge and it would be easy after that. It's just one of many things. A lover's acceptance is paramount yes, but love is not borne only of acceptance. I've learned that I need to be clear about relationship expectations before sleeping with someone and that just because I'm seeing someone that wants a relationship doesn't mean we'll end up in one.

This is SOOO powerful ... "Love is not born of only acceptance" ..... Love it

@Life_is_Beautiful

Hello and Welcome!

Your story is very, very common my friend... you are FAR from alone in this and I promise you that things are not nearly as bad as you might believe right now. The "good" thing is that your situation will make you take things slow with the "ex" to see if you can mend things before you let your hormones get in the way ;)

Also, do you know for sure that you have HSV1? Have you been tested and how? It's good to know exactly which one you have for several reasons ... the odds are that many people you could come in contact with (if the ex doesn't work out) may have one type or other of Herpes ... if you both have the same type, that takes a whole lotta pressure off things. Also, if you have H1 genitally it doesn't pass as easily (the odds are MUCH lower than H2) so that is also useful to know...

As for not going around telling everyone ... well, a lot about that depends on your friends/family and your self esteem ... I'm completely out (except my 86 yr old father ... he gets too confused anyway and he'd just worry :p ) and it's no biggie for me ... AND if someone was ugly to me I am totally ok with it because it just shows me who THEY are ... (ie... not someone I'd want as a friend ;) ). The thing is, you tell people/disclose at YOUR speed... though we really, REALLY encourage that people always disclose before sex.... outside of that, you need to do what you are comfortable with ... but DO realize that, as Kirsty Spraggon says ... you are only as sick as your secrets .... you really need at least a handful of people who you an talk to (which is why this is a great resource... it counts as one "talk source")... because once you realize that you are not alone and that people have normal, wonderful lives with H, it loses a lot of it's grip on you :)

(((HUGS)))

That sucks I love researching stuff all over the internet and came across this the docters said I don't have herpes but after tons of research about it I would date a girl with herpes but I would only do so if she's worth the risk. My love for her at that moment would have to over come a life long skin irritation whether or not we stay together. But hey you got the lower case h not the upper case H. Always disclose and get std testing and your partner should do the same before anything happens