Vulnerability, Shame, and Herpes (Brene Brown)

Gonna be chewing on these two Ted Talks for awhile :)

A few take-aways:

Blame: A way to discharge pain and discomfort... WHOA! Love that definition

Our job (to our children) is to look and say you are imperfect and you are wired for struggle but you are worthy of love and belonging" AMEN!

...Love with our whole hearts, even though there is no guarantee ... Oh yes!

......Practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror when we're wondering "Can I love you this much, can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?" To be able to stop and instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say " I am so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I am alive." Yes Yes Yes!!!!

Shame: The Swampland of the soul.... That's deep

If we can quiet it (shame) down and walk in and say "I'm going to do this" we look up and the critic that we see pointing and laughing 99% of the time is who? US! .... Shame drives two big tapes... "Never good enough" ... and if you can talk it out of that one .. "Who do you think you are?" Truth

Empathy is the antidote to shame Hallelujah

If you put shame in a petri dish it needs 3 things to grow exponentially - secrecy, silence, and judgement. If you put the same amount of shame into a petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive. Word!

Yep, this is one of the videos I show on the Herpes Opportunity weekend. Classic. On point. Poignant.

Here's a blog post I wrote on it a while back:

http://herpeslife.com/brene-brown-authenticity-connection-vulnerability-shame-guilt-herpes

That last quote I have on there says it all about the shame and stigma of herpes - its a currently self perpetuating cycle at the moment but I think with movements like yours Adrial we *may* be able to break it ;)

Yes, for sure! That's why the most important air that we can all breathe as a community together is empathy. :) And on the Herpes Opportunity weekend, it's the magical, alchemical thing that transforms shame into inspiration. It's a gorgeous thing to experience.

Loved the talk about the arena, and the Roosevelt quote. This will be going somewhere on a wall, in my car. This means so much to me.

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."

Yes Adrial - but I also think it is important to recognize the first part of that quote - about the fact that secrecy, silence, and judgement is what feeds shame. That is soooo important to realize. It was that realization that galvanized me to come out ...

I know each person needs to creep, crawl, tip-toe, walk, or burst out of their closet at their own speed. But I think it's important that they work on at least cracking that door open and letting some light in. Living in that dark, lonely, often scary place SUCKS ... AND it keeps others from being able to support you as they would actually WANT to support you.

Telling just ONE friend does two things - it allows you to practice your vulnerability on someone you already trust. And it allows THEM to give you a dose of that empathy (and probably tell you they have it too, which helps THEM come out of THEIR closet a little! BONUS! ) And the result is it serves to reduce the grip of the stigma and the shame of herpes a little bit more.

One person, One Conversation. One Step at a Time ;)

And Defeated: Lovely quote - thanks :)

Absolutely. That's what the home study course will be all about, too. It's a layering effect that happens. And it's always chronological order. We need to become strong on multiple layers, starting with the very core of us, then spreading out to only those who we have the utmost trust in and who we know love us and will accept us unconditionally, then expanding out to other friends and family members, then out to potential partners. It doesn't necessarily have to follow this pattern, but it's a good one to consider in each of our healing processes to take healing in a phased approach like this.

I often use the metaphor of making a candle by hand ... you start with the string (the vulnerable core of us — our inner child, if you will), then you dip it in the wax for the first layer, allow it to cool, then add the next layer ... Before you know it, you have a candle that is ready to burn and light up the whole world. And making a candle is a process. You can't just throw a string into a vat of hot wax and expect to make a finished candle. :) Allowing it to cool in between adding new layers of wax is what this community of acceptance and support is all about. It allows us to continue to be stronger and stronger within ourselves throughout the process. Empathy and acceptance is the cooling process that allows future layers of the candle to be created.

LOVE IT!

I really hope folks - especially those who are new and struggling with Herpes - will do the Home Study course.... I did all of that the hard way, on my own, with little to guide me. What a blessing to have something (and someone!) to help you through the process. :)