Newly diagnosed with herpes, devastated, My Story

Two years I started dating someone. It was off and for 2yrs. Four weeksI week to my doctor for what seemed like a yeast infection and rash that wouldn't go away. A week later during my physics class, my doc called me and told me I was positive for herpes. I was devastated.I told him I didn't believe him and wanted more tests. So last week, he took blood tests. Although not all are back, One came back with the type; HVS 2. its been 3 weeks since I got the 1st test results. That night i went to my ex because we have remained friends. Keep in mind he and I split because he cheated on me with. Women. I asked him if there was anything about his health/sexual status he need to tell me. He said yes, he told HE KNEW HE HAS ORAL AND GENITAL HERPES FOR MANY YEARS!! In fact he has NEVER TOLD A SINGLE WOMAN HE HAS BEEN WITH ABOUT HIS STATUS!!! There are not enough words to describe the amount of distress I was in when he said this.

Its been almost a month since that day/night. Here is where it stands. IN MANY STATES IT IS CRIME TO WITHHOLD YOUR HEALTH STATUS IF YOU HAVE A COMMUNICABLE DISEASE WHETHER OR NOT YOU INFECT A PERSON. Louisiana is one of those states. He and I are going to court. I am civil suing him. He doesn't know what my status is yet and won't until he is court order to a lifetime gag order of my medical status. So he far is in agreement to what I want, like the gag order, life time coverage of any and all medical expenses, plus counseling related to this for my natural life. If he dies before me his estate will continue to provide the care. He will also be legally inform everyone he has been with of his status and forced to notify any new partners through the court system. I'm still working out with my attorney what I will ask for damages. It will be up to the DA of charges are pressed._He is a long time police officer and military.

I know this doesn't change what he has done to me and the fact that he has changed me forever. When i asked why he did it, his response was, I didnt think you would love me. No one has the right to a persons right to choose!!!! I know its from him i got this from because i was tested right before we got together and was negative. I dated someone since we had split up. I called that person, told him and he got tested. He is negative. Im angry, devastated, confused, and just dont understand. i was and am still not a person who sleeps around. How AamI ever gonna be able to date again?

I feel i needed to tell my story in part for support and vice versa. But also because of posts i was reading by people who barked at the idea that a person doesn't have to tell there partners of their status. NOT ONLY DOES A PERSON HAVE A MORAL OBLIGATION, IN MOST STATES A PERSON HAS A LEGAL OBLIGATION!!! I keep asking myself, why me? What did I do in my life to deserve this? All I can tell myself that has any comfort is this. If the only comfort I get out of this happening to me is, IF I STOP HIM FROM INFECTING AND DESTROYING AT LEAST 1 WOMANS' LIFE THEN I FEEL LIKE I ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING POSITIVE OUT OF THE EMOTIONAL, MENTAL,AND PHYSICAL DEVASTATION HE HAS BROUGHT UPON ME.

I feel all your anger. You have a right to be pissed off at this guy for not being upfront with you, no matter if he was afraid you wouldn't love him or not. He should have told you. And even though you have a right to be angry and can press charges and seek damages, I wonder if this will really be healing for you vs. letting go of the anger and the revenge? It's totally up to you and I'm not saying you should do one thing or another. I'm just worried about you being so angry and stewing in this anger for a prolonged period of time. Court battles tend to do that. I remember when my dad went through court battles with his ex wife seeking damages for being a deadbeat mother. It went on for years and wore him out. Emotionally, he was totally depleted. Just consider if this kind of action is healthy for you. For right now and for your long term healing.

The other part I want to make very clear to you is that this won't destroy your life, unless you believe it will. If you continue down this path of anger and vitriol, it will only end up hurting yourself, I promise you. Using words like devastation and infection makes it seem like now that you have herpes, everything has shifted into you having a horrible life. Please hear me when I tell you that's simply not true. This is a manageable skin condition. Yes, it's annoying at times and yes it just so happens to have a huge stigma associated with it, but it's certainly not the end of the world and it certainly doesn't warrant the amount of anguish and suffering you're currently attributing to it. I say this not to diminish or invalidate your feelings, but to let you know that it's up to you how you decide to let herpes affect your life or not. The best revenge that can be done that's healthiest for you is to heal, be happy and take care of yourself. Telling future partners turns the tide on herpes being attributed to denial and lies. Yes, he wasn't fair to you. He didn't have the heart or the courage to tell you what you deserved to know. And now that you have herpes and can't change that, you can turn the tides and help all of us change the stigma from the inside out. When you do disclose in the future, you will be disclosing from a place of self-acceptance and self-love, not from a place of anger and resentment. Those feelings are only going to keep injuring you.

Resentment is like us taking poison and expecting the other person to die. It doesn't work that way.

Sometimes the best thing for our own health (and sanity) is to forgive the person. Forgiving them lets us let go of the anger. Forgiveness is ultimately for us to be able to move on. It's not for them. I know it's so new now, but can you at least see him as a scared little boy who didn't know how to tell you something that he was so AFRAID to tell you? He was afraid of losing your love. Now, this does not make it okay what he did. It just provides context of the kind of man you're dealing with. It doesn't sound like he's inherently evil. He was just absolutely terrified and couldn't face it. Underneath it all, he couldn't overcome that. He was selfish. He couldn't see you in that. All he saw was himself.

So look at all of this for you. I'm wanting the most healthy course of action for YOU. I want YOU to be happy and healthy. I want YOU to live the best life possible. And I want to make sure that you're thinking about this for your best interest, not acting from a place of revenge or anger. That's so important here. What is best for you?

Happy Thanksgiving to you. Big hug to you. I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm sorry he didn't tell you. But remember, your future is as bright as you'd like it to be. Let us support you in getting there. I'm glad you're here.

Thank you for your words. i am in counseling. i started it 2 days after the first test came back. The civil court battle with him will/is easy. he is not denying his actions and so far agrees to what Im asking for. going through the court is for my protection. it makes it a judgement so he cant file it away in a bankrupcy and continues to cover my care and counseling by his estate if he dies before me.

Baffled: First, welcome to the Forums. I hope you can find peace and support here :)

I'm posting this same answer that I replied to your other post as my reply would be the same for both posts:

I am so sorry that your journey here started because of someone who chose to not disclose. But I have to take issue with your idea that because someone doesn't disclose, they are a "sociopath". There are many, MANY reasons that people don't disclose ... ignorance (many have NO CLUE about how easy it passes on, or that their oral herpes can "head south", or even that the rash they keep getting is Herpes), Fear of the stigma (no, it's not "right", but for some, after being treated like a leper by many potential partners, some just give up because of the pain). And for some, it's just not a big deal. I've lived with it my whole life... it's not a big deal for ME. It's only because I had a guy I disclosed to completely freak out a few years back that I am as educated around it as I am.... if that had not happened, I am not sure I would be as forthcoming as I am today. For years I lived with this and the Dr's didn't make a big deal out of it so I didn't either. You have to understand that for those of us who have had it for a long time, we were given very little to go on when we were diagnosed... AND the stigma was non-existent until relatively recently. So there are many, MANY people out there who just don't think of Herpes as being a big deal for anyone because it wasn't/isn't a big deal for them.

We DO encourage people to disclose on here.... both for their integrity and because in the long run it is the only way we will eventually reverse the stigma of Herpes. Because, really, it IS a nuisance skin condition. It is NOT Cancer, it is not going to kill you.

One thing that you may need to understand also is that medically, Herpes is a "nuisance skin condition". To most Dr's, it is not a "big deal" (believe me, THAT is something I am dedicated to changing!). They certainly don't view it at a "horrible, devastating disease." And as someone who has had HSV1 since I was 3 and HSV2 since around 17, I'll tell you, it really, truly is a nuisance skin condition. The problem is the ignorance and the stigma that goes with the disease that makes newly diagnosed people feel so devastated and lost.

Yes, it IS devastating at first and it does take an adjustment but I am not sure that the courts will see it as a 'life altering" enough to rule in your favor. If it was HIV, yes, I am sure you would easily win. But knowing the medical communities view of this disease (both from my research and because I work in the same building as an OBGYN and I know they all view Herpes as just a minor issue for their clients), I fear you may go through an expensive case and come out with nothing.

Our goals here are to educate the Dr's about how to deal with newly diagnosed patients, to educate the public about just how prevalent Herpes is and that most STD tests don't include Herpes, and to help the newly diagnosed navigate the myriad of emotions and fears that come up as they go through the first weeks and months after diagnosis. With luck, if we succeed, the stigma will be removed so people won't feel the shame that causes them to choose to not disclose.....

wscdancer2010.

i said my ex is a sociopath. and only him not anyone else. thank god louisiana law protects me. i will get everything i am asking since he doesnt want criminal he is cooperating. he is already starting to repay me for some of my expenses so far. Herpes is a viral INFECTION of the skin.no matter how one stacks it, it is an infection.

I agree with the stigma added to it and further education of it. at the same time, there has to be so accountability for people who knowingly withhold their status and put other people at risk. to me its different if he didnt know he had it then i couldnt be angry.

I cant say i would have stayed with him if he was honest upfront because i know what and how he is. but lets assume, he was a normal honest, loyal, and faithful person. if would have told me first, we could have talked about it, further educate together, and make a decision from there based on honesty and knowledge gained.

Baffled: So true about having choice.

Perhaps though, getting Herpes then did you a favor - you say you have dated "on and off". Well, at least now you see him for who he is and you will not continue the yo-yo with him......sounds like it was not a healthy relationship that somehow kept drawing you back in.

Herpes often actually acts to remove people from our lives who are not healthy for us or who are in the relationship for all the wrong reasons.... :/

((((HUGS))))

he and i split in May. i am an empath with abilities . empaths are targets for sociopaths. this has made the complete break from him difficult. i kept talking to him because i choose the leesor of 2 evils. the drama and nonstop craziness was less severe if i acknowledged him. In recent months i had stated the slow complete removal of him out of my life. taking the lesser of two evils isnt healthy/good for me either. when our civil suit is settled, he will have to leave me alone. a trustee and an account etc will be set up for the lifetime support/care for this.

Im sorry that I dont share your view on getting herpes doing me a favor. forgiving him will never happen. I cant forgive someone for knowingly gving me an incureable disease. The only forgiveness there could possibly be in time is giving up on the hope that the past could have been anything different.

I was very angry too when i was first diagnosed. I keot bouncing back and forth from anger to extreme depression all to anger again. It i know it seems impossible right now for you to beleive this being so newly diagnosed but you will feel better. It will get better. The physical side and the emotional side of it. I remember desperately googling side effects complications of herpes long term shirt term staying up til it was to late to go back to bed on the computer and having to get ready to go without any sleep. Googling testimonies that would somehow validaye for me that it would get better fir me and even after reading them thinking it doesn't mattet life holds nothing anymore but hate for the person that did this and despair. As dark a place as you are in right now i promise it will get better. Keep your head up hit your pillows throw shit around if noones around to get it out. i was and i think everyone that comes here has been to that samr dark place. You're not alone. And though you may not believe it, uts gonna get better. You just gotta hang in there. Happy Thanksgiving and best of luck :)

Baffled:

But don't you see? You were stuck in an unhealthy relationship with him and it sounds like you were unable/unwilling to break away. Herpes forced that on you. AND it sounds like he will not be able to come back into your life when it is over...I know you may not see it as a blessing right now but perhaps you will in the future.

Herpes is an incurable skin infection. I know it is also hard to view it as that right now but after spending most of my life with it, that is what it is for me. A Pain in the A$$ at times. But in the end it has shown me who I DON'T want in my life a lot faster than I might figure out on my own.... and that is where it has been a blessing for me.

There are some days I find it harder than others to see that, but when I am honest with myself, I realize that I usually *knew* that the men who walked away after I disclosed were really not going to be who I would want to be for in the long run...but the thought of starting yet again would make it easy for me to make excuses for them .... Herpes showed their true colors and I am lucky to have dodged those bullets :/

But that is *my* experience.... and *my* way of looking at life. ;)

Peace :)

hey there baffled1:

i also received my diagnosis a few weeks ago, so i can understand how this new information can be difficult to process at first. my situation was vastly different from yours in terms of the fact that i was very confident that the two men who may have given it to me would not have done so knowingly. and i find a great deal of comfort in that fact.

with that said, i also understand where you anger is coming from. three years ago, my significant other cheated on me with six women he randomly met online, contracted herpes, and exposed it to me when i got back from the trip i was on. (in hindsight, i'm almost impressed by the fact that he managed to hook up with six women in the two weeks i was gone, while also maintaining a constant tempo of texts/phone calls/emails.)

while he didn't initially know he had exposed me to herpes and i didn't get herpes from him, i was furious that he acted in such a sexually irresponsible way that could have affected me in the long term. and i let the anger i felt towards him affect me in significant ways. i resigned from an organization i volunteered for and was passionate about because he was also involved, and i couldn't stand to share the same space with him (given, i also didn't want my anger to affect the group dynamics of the organization). i didn't allow myself to date for more than a year following the incident - partly out of a paranoia that the herpes blood test was not accurate and partly because of the fury i felt towards men. and i let myself fill with hate and anger.

over time, i learned to forgive him. i realized he was someone who needed love and sought it out in ways that i couldn't understand. he was someone who didn't love himself enough and destroyed the relationships he was in as a result. instead of feeling hate and anger, i became to feel more sympathetic and grateful that i was a stronger person than he was. it took a long time though. and every so often, i think about him and there is still a little spark of anger.

but ultimately, all that hate and anger i had felt toward him for so long hurt me more than anything else. it made me tired. it made me bitter. it made me depressed. it distracted me in my personal and professional lives. i was not the best person i could be. i didn't really feel like me anymore. i had to make the decision to let that all go so i could be the person i wanted to be.

and three years later, i still got herpes. it wasn't from the cheating bastard. it was probably (the jury is still out on this one) from a longtime friend who didn't even know he had it, and it just so happens we were both single at the same time and we decided to see if there was something more to our friendship.

so here is the last of my two cents: fuck the godawful bastard who knowingly exposed you to herpes. but for YOU, try and let the anger go. and if that means you need to wallow in this anger for a moment, then do it. but also realize that it needs to come to an end sometime soon. the forgiveness isn't for him. the forgiveness is for YOU. and you know what, if not for him, you might have still gotten herpes from an upstanding guy who just didn't know he had it despite how responsible he was in his past and present relationships.

good luck!

Thanks for responses y'all.

he will never get forgiveness but any other type of forgiveness will come when he and I settle in court. Then I can walk away knowing that he has made accountable for his actions and by taking him to court, i took steps that will force him to tell his past and future partners. If the actions i am taken saves him from destroying at least 1 woman's' life, that matters

Actually I didn't realize just how angry i am about it tillI found this site. It was post about someone who know they had herpes but keep sleeping with people and not telling them.

We are all human beings, being human.

While perhaps your ex is a "sociopath", most people who do not disclose do so from a very primal fear/shame view that is exacerbated by the current stigma that is put on Herpes.

It doesn't make it "right", but unless you have never done anything that you are ashamed about (and I don't know anyone who I think can HONESTLY say they have lived in 100% Integrity for 100% of their life) it's like throwing stones in glass houses. We are all human. We all make mistakes. Hopefully at some point we realize where we are going wrong and we do what we can to repair the damage.

Baffled: Please be aware that we are here to support everyone through their Herpes Journey with compassion and empathy. We may not always agree with each other, or how someone has/is behaving around the disease, but we HAVE to be respectful. This HAS to be a safe place for us to discuss our journey. The post you talk about was someone who made errors of judgement and who has realized that they have a mess to clean up. That is a HUGE realization and I applaud her for that ... between the crappy information that is out there and the ability for the human brain to live in denial, there are sadly many who have not had that realization yet. So I'm asking you to think before you post.... I totally understand your anger and you have every right to be upset at your situation, but please also understand that we are all on our journey here and we HAVE to be respectful of where each person is even if it's not where *we* believe they should be :)

Peace :)

I got herpes when my then-girlfriend cheated on me over Christmas break with her ex-boyfriend. Merry Christmas, sweetheart! ;) She didn't tell me and then we ended up having sex when she was having her first outbreak. Talk about pissed off ... I was livid. I wanted her to be punished. I wanted her to pay and feel like shit. I wanted her to be accountable for her actions. It sucked. And it was only until I forgave her that I actually let go of the anger and resentment that was eating me alive. I just want you to know a little of my backstory so you know where my care is coming from. I just don't want you to suffer like I did for as long as I did. I don't want you to feel any unnecessary pain and suffering. I guess you could say I'm feeling protective over you. :) It's not about making it okay that he did what he did. It's to save yourself from emotional turmoil. And with all that said, I totally get that you're pissed off. He does need to know that what he did was wrong. And ultimately fate has been the best judge in my experience with these kinds of things. I live, I learn, I move on, I become a better person with everything that life throws at me. That's what I strive for, at least. ;) So know that you are supported, baffled. In your anger and your healing and everything in between. I'm glad you're here.

Wcsdancer2010

hi,I'm not sure you are carefully reading my posts. I haven't been disrectful.to anyone in fact. I have said how i respect their thoughts and feelings. Their responses to my response was cool and helpful And when i replyed saying i was calling everyone a sociopath. When i said my ex is.

On this site, regardless how we got herpes we all have it and are all affected by it.

Baffled...I, first, want to validate completely your anger! PISSED? Hell yes! I was pissed! It took a bit to process, but it didn't take long to process the FACT that my anger was rooted in truth...the man who gave me H told me he had it, I was willing to take a chance, then when we got together he suddenly decided he wouldn't use a condom, didn't tell me he didn't take ant-virals, and didn't tell me he'd had an o/b less than 1 week before we were together! I was also mad at myself, btw, for not putting my bag back in my car when he said he wouldn't use a condom afterall. Suffice to say, I personally feel like you have every right to be pissed. Sue away if you have to. BUT FOR ME, even though anger originates in truth...it perpetuates in lies.

The lie that no one would want me, the lie that a virus "INFECTS" (a virus latches, multiplies, and attacks, bacteria multiplies and "infects), the lie that if he only had to pay for all of it I would somehow be ok, but most importantly...the biggest lie of all...that if all my desires for greater accountability for him were fulfilled, I was going to be free of having to look in the g.d. mirror and deal with my own true reflection.

Do what you have to do with this in court. We live in America and have a court system for a reason. But in the end, I promise you, you will have to look in that g.d. mirror and deal with the other piece to this puzzle...you!

It may SUCK too. So, if you get to the point where scene 2 of this gets hard, know a whole bunch of us are here....not to invalidate your day in court, but to say to you...

Your anger is rooted in truth, but it's perpetuating in lies.

Luv ya and appreciate what you bring to the table here!

Aerial 2013

thank you soooo much!!!! Your reply holds much Truth. You know one reason i wanted to share my story is to know that like my state and many others there are laws to protect people. in states were other aren't, something should be done to change that.

I know I will have to come to terms that I'm stuck with this for life. It does give me great comfort to know that he is finally being held accountable and that he will be providing for my care for this all my natural life and after he dies if he dies first.

It makes me feel worse about having it when people say its no big deal!! Really??? Maybe to those people its not, but too many like me it is. its changes you and changes you life. I am no longer the same person I was before this and my life is longer the same before this. Never again will I be that.person. Even if a cure is found in my life time, which I hope is soon, that person is gone. Im 39.

Again thank you!!

Your mission now should you choose to accept it is to read your words with a tone of regret and frustration over what's been lost...imagine that tone, and use it as you read your words..."its changes you and changes you life. I am no longer the same person I was before this and my life is longer the same before this. Never again will I be that.person. Even if a cure is found in my life time, which I hope is soon, that person is gone"

Now, re-read those same words imagining that the "you" before H was needing to learn a few things in order to move into the next phase of your life as a more complete person. Sincerely entertain the very real likelihood that there were things missing in your character before that were going to keep you in a somewhat shallow place, willing to attract and settle for partners who weren't quite right for you. Now, as you read the same words, use a tone that feels grateful if for nothing else, that you will now be looking for deeper, more meaningful connection than anything this man would have been capable of bringing to the table..."its changes you and changes you life. I am no longer the same person I was before this and my life is longer the same before this. Never again will I be that.person. Even if a cure is found in my life time, which I hope is soon, that person is gone."

There is a huge difference, and that different mindset brings the peace that many of your new friends here are talking about.

Again, welcome to the site, and to the new normal! ~Blessings~

Thank you Aerial for that - I've obviously not been able to articulate exactly what you just said very well on here yesterday .... but that is what I have been aiming for.....

Guess I shouldn't type when I'm in Post Turkey Day Food Coma ;)

This is BEAUTIFULLY put Aerial. This touched me reading your words. It reminds me of the quote "If you think you can, or you think you can't ... you're right." Our beliefs about how herpes will impact our life tend to come true the more fervently we believe them. So what are we believing about ourselves and about herpes? This Herpes Opportunity movement is all about supporting us all in what we are FEELING in the moment while bringing more and more awareness to the BELIEFS that we are carrying. Are these thoughts and beliefs hindering us or moving us forward in our beautiful lives? We do have choice about the thoughts and beliefs we carry. It's up to each one of us how herpes will affect us. Negatively. Positively. And everything in between. It's all available to any of us. So what choices are we making about how our lives will be? I support people in being human, in loving and feeling deeply. I don't support perpetuating stigmatizing ideas or negative beliefs about ourselves and our lives such that we will feel that we are incapable of living a full life. I support all of you (and myself) toward greater and greater blissed-out happiness and deep, awesome, playful love. :)

Adrial,

thank you. That is a different approach to look at this and holds much truth to what you said. Where I am at in process doesn't let me see what others may see and feel yet who have been experiencing it longer. Its process like anything else takes time to go through the phases