The guilt of passing herpes......

Hello,

I'm Kris/23/CA

I was diagnosed with herpes Nov. 7 (wow I just realized not even a week yet) seems like more. I first noticed the bump around the 13th of Oct.

Ok but I'm here to talk about the guilt. So far I know of two ppl that have herpes symptoms that I slept with w/o. and I feel like I can deal with this but its just the guilt over maybe passing herpes on.

One of the guys was very rude and told me never to speak to him again upon disclosing herpes but the other was very compassionate and concerned with how I was. Yes, he was shattered but he was/is thinking positive. He came over and we hung out and he told me his dream was ruined. How could anyone ever love him and start a family and I lost it and he comforted me which in return made me feel worse!

Yep, I hear you. The guilt of passing herpes can be a doozy. And what doesn't help is beating yourself up about something you apparently were oblivious to. Sometimes we don't know something until it happens. Now you know, and the question becomes how will you move forward with this? Allow the possible guilt to translate into what it actually is: Caring about someone else's health and keeping them safe. You don't have to feel guilty. Have this be something that shows you your integrity on loudspeaker. I know that when I mistakenly gave herpes to someone, I felt horrible about it. And I didn't know better at that time. I was oblivious and misinformed myself. But remembering how horrible I felt actually connected me to how much I care about keeping myself and future partners safe; and that has had me protect every future partner since with utmost integrity and deep care.

aww thanks. I feel that. I do care so much. I never had to deal with something so big like this before. I'm a very, very caring person so this just hit me hard

When my boyfriend and I first started dating and having sex, we used a condom. Then I started having symptoms of something I knew wasn't normal for me and after a couple weeks found out that I was h+. At the time, my boyfriend and I weren't sure who gave it to who. We are both in our 20's, have had sexual partners before, and heck we practiced safe sex with each other. Once my blood test came back, the doctor said they were able to tell that it was in fact a first outbreak because of the antibodies (or something, im not 100% sure on the factual aspect of this but from what i remember that is what they told me). After I told my boyfriend this, it was devastating in every way because at first, we weren't sure who had it first. The realization for him that he was the one that gave it to me was horrible and he broke down while I was staying with him, while I was taking the first cocktail of drugs for a first outbreak, including vicodin. This was march of 2012. We are still together today. There was, and still are, fleeting thoughts I have, about our relationship, if we would still be together without having h. But over time we've gotten to the point where we are able to talk about it, realize that this could have happened if I was a virgin when I met him, or vice versa. I could have easily given it to him and not known. It is a process. Every day I deal with the fact that I have this little skin rash and every day it gets a little easier to handle. But I have to remind myself that every day, my boyfriend has to realize he gave this to me and I can't imagine the guilt he feels. But hey we're working it out. We're now living together, planning a future, and I have to remember that relationships are hard enough on two people who are h-.

There are a few people in these forums who are h- and are in relationships with people who are h+ and just love them plain and simple. Great people are out there.

This is what the H- (at least those who think they are H-...as many of them probably are H+) don't get. Even with responsible condom use, you can get this. Even with testing, if the person only got it a few months earlier, they could be H- on paper. Even with getting tested, many don't know that they were not tested for Herpes.

AND, when someone does unwittingly pass it on, they have to get it that guilt usually implies intent ... whereas in both these cases, it was sheer blissful ignorance that allowed the virus to get passed on.

I hope that things will change in the future, but for now, go easy on yourselves.... we have enough crap in our lives without beating ourselves up about stuff we could not see coming ;)

Peace