Third Date... Time to Disclose Herpes??

Hi Everyone!

Happy Halloween!!

I have a date tonight. He seems to be the one I could spend my life with. It's only our third date, but everything feels just right. He thinks so too. However, I haven't disclosed and am thinking of talking to him tonight. Any suggestions?

Heya abbyroad! Welcome back! And congrats on what sounds like an AWESOME connection! With such a strong connection, herpes ain't gonna get in the way of that. Have you disclosed before? How did that go? And how are you thinking of kicking off the talk? What's most important is how you feel about the relationship and yourself.

You've read the e-book on disclosure, right? It's all about what you focus on and your own relationship to yourself and how that translates in the talk itself.

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

FYI, here's another conversation we had just yesterday about when to disclose:

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1590/when-is-the-best-time-to-have-the-herpes-talk#Item_5

HI abbyroad,

it sound like you have really good connection so why not disclosing tonight,sure put some words together and try to make him understand that herpes is not that big deal.I never disclosed but i would first start with why i wanne tall him something so personal ...what he mean to me and after this you give him the facts about herpes if he maybe not already know about.I wish you god luck and happy halloween (what will be you costume choose something nice and sexy hehehhe)good luck :)

I'm new to this but all my instincts would scream no don't disclose so soon. Unless yall see each other frequently between dates and have talked for a while. But if your instincts are telling you he is mr. special then go for it. Like they say in gambling uf you don't risk the losing you never chance the winning. I just don't know if id personally be willing to gamble after 3 dates. But then I've always had trust issues even before herpes lol. so instead of me being logical perhaps I'm being pessimistic lol.

I usually tell them once I feel we both acknowledge that we are both interested in having the relationship actually become a romantic one. I feel like if you wait too long, they may feel like you were holding out information, but they have just enough chance to understand as well.

I usually tell early on. It eases me of carrying around that stress for longer, and it lets them know that you care about them and their right to know.

If they are not okay with it, then it isn't someone I want to be giving my love to anyway, but I also try not to judge them and I try to respect them for their decision, whatever it may be.

Hi everyone!! Our third date was awesome!! We really like each other and get along so well, I hate to ruin it with my disclosing. I couldn't do it... We have such a good time together... I read everyone's advice and it all is great and not anything I haven't been through many times before. It's not new to me having the talk. Friends, family, and potential lovers all know. I hate it. Sometimes I think it's okay and life will go on. Other times I want to hide from the world and give up on love. It's been 8 years and I still struggle with feelings of shame and fear of telling someone I like in a romantic way.

It is always the hardest part. I have had it now for five... six years? I must admit I can't recall how long ago it was. But, when I do disclose the news with someone, it rough at first, but if they care about you and have a good character in general, then it will bring you closer.

I have always had a hard time telling people, because sometimes I feel like I sound like I am about to confess my love or something, which is odd in itself because I usually tell them quite early on.

It doesn't have to ruin a good time. It is all about how you present it. I really like how it was presented in the e-book available through this site.

"I feel like we have a close connection, and because of that, I would like to confide something in you. I want what we have going on right now to continue, and this isn't easy for me to say, but I still find it necessary. (Here comes the hard part) I have herpes, and I'd like to know how you feel about that."

It doesn't have to involve crying, or constant apology. It can be a very good thing. Just always keep that in mind. I always try to.

Abbyroad, so you're assuming that having the talk will "ruin" the connection you already have (or at least diminish it or sidetrack it)? What if it actually makes your connection deeper and enhances it? I've had many more experiences where having the herpes talk actually brings us closer together and more intimate than distancing us. And the ones where it created more distance were the ones I ultimately realize I didn't want to pursue anyway.

I just wanted to throw in the other side of things so you don't assume that the way you're thinking of it now is the way it is going to be. It's really important that none of us create a wall in front of us where there could actually be a door. :)

Hi everyone, thank you for posting comments on my last discussion post. I haven't told him. I can't. I told him we just need to be friends for now. I am thinking I will just get a cat. It has been really hard dealing with this diagnosis and trying to keep a positive outlook. I am tired and just want a break from disclosing and the relationship not working out or being shown the door. Thank you for all the advice and stories that I have been able to relate to or offer advice myself. The forum has always been helpful.

I feel sad hearing that and also I trust your intuition. I support you in whatever decision you make, and just wanting to check if this is coming from a place of fear or self-care. It does sound like you still need time to heal yourself before you open yourself up to someone else. And that is a healing move for you. Just so long as this time alone is healthy for you, where turning inward and being alone feels good, nourishing. And when you are ready to bring someone else in, then you will be ready to disclose. And we are always here for you, too, through all of the ups and downs, inwards and outwards. :)

;( sorry to hear well maybe you havent be ready for this yet but you will get stronger at one pont, this may need time ...much much time...but you will realize thatit get easier...promise that you get better

I might want to do it sooner than later, if it were me. I'd figure that I wouldn't want to be so attached that a "no" would break my heart. It sounds like you've make you decision already, but it might have been good practice in disclosing, that way when the next person comes along you'd be better at it.

I have to admit I am not sure whether to disclose "early" or "later" myself. Too early and the other person has nothing invested in you....they may like you a LOT but they have not gotten to know YOU and its easier to walk away. I am starting to lean towards trying to prolong things until it feels like the other person really wants to take things to a deeper level. My problem is trying to find that balance between holding the guy off (most guys I have dated would get sexual within 3-5 dates if you give them half a chance) without having them feel that I am "playing" them or using them for entertainment and dinner (which happens esp on online dating sites.... ).

I don't have an answer to that one.... guess I'll just have to keep trying until I get it right...LOL ;)

Hi Everyone, I think about the forum everyday.

I can't seem to get a grip. I purposely drove him away. I could not bring myself to say what I wanted to say, so I started ignoring his calls and texts... he stopped.

Let me explain a situation I am currently in...

I am a single mother of a three year old boy. We live with my parents, we have a nice home and everything we both want and need, WE are very blessed.

I have battles with depression. I dropped out of school with only two semesters from graduating with a Bachelors Degree. I am currently unemployed, only working odd jobs for extra spending money. My purpose in life is to take care of my son. I have tried joining gyms, we go to church, I volunteer, my son is in a program for kids two days a week. I have tried different means of meeting new people and trying new things. I really don't have a career path and this adds to my depression.

I don't feel valuable or worthy enough for a partner, but am lonely. I feel a tremendous amount of pressure as a single parent, and this also makes me sad. Add the herpes, it is always lingering in the back of my thoughts... the embarrassment from speaking those words to another person that I have feelings for is deeper than the deepest ocean. It may seem dramatic, but its true. I feel the need to explain that I am not a whore, that I was responsible up to a certain point. But it doesn't change the diagnosis. I am scared I will be alone for a very long time. I wanted more for my son. I wanted for me. Thanks for reading. Feels good to be able to write about it.

I think we all can relate at one time or another during our journey with H to your feeling of not being valuable or worthy enough for a partner. I am just starting to face my fears of disclosing and going to take what results I get, I'm tired of living in the shadows. As many say on here, a person who is mature and truly cares about you will look at the whole picture, not just one aspect of who you are and H is such a small part, but you have to believe that before you can move forward in a relationship (or that's my thought). I acquired my H-2 status 24 years ago from only the 2nd person I slept with, clearly not a whore. I called this person my best friend and believe him to be clean but clearly should have asked him to be tested. I felt we knew everything about each other so I didn't, not to mention he may not have know being one of 80-90% who are asymptomatic. I lived with a man who had depression for over 20 years so I have a small idea of how it affects your life and the struggles it brings. I wish you the best and we are always here to listen and provide support.

abbyroad:

So I get it that you understand you self sabotaged this relationship....making your beliefs that you are "unworthy" come true. Do you understand how powerful that kind of thinking is? And I'm guessing this is nothing new for you...that it goes from your pre H+ days????

Personally I would say you H+ status is the very least of your problems. I'm guessing you need to work on YOU first...go out, finish that degree. Get the job. Find your self worth again and fall in love with YOU. You say you want to take care of your son? THAT is the best thing you can do for him....provide him with a role model of someone who won't let life get her down....

I took 3 years off after my last BF because I felt I needed to get MY life together. I had to find ME and get my stuff together to be open for someone else. While I am still single I know I am in a much better place now to bring someone into my life....

I feel the need to explain that I am not a whore, that I was responsible up to a certain point.

Honey, I'm pretty sure there aren't any "whores" on here (I would expect we each have our own definition of what a whore is anyway!), ...and even if there are, that doesn't make a "whore" any more deserving of getting Herpes. But I wonder if this is part of your depression/self confidence issue.

So what defines a whore for you, and why would you need to remove yourself from that definition? Because all of us here have made errors of judgement at some point in our lives...with people, situations, money, whatever. And along the way, we ended up with Herpes... which any doctor will tell you is just a nuisance skin condition. It doesn't mean you should be branded with a scarlet letter or that you are now damaged goods. The only damaged goods for you right now is between your ears - that white mass that has you thinking you are not worthy of love. You get THAT fixed and a man will come into your life for whom Herpes is a non-issue.

So what can you do to get back on track? Can you make a plan to get your career path sorted out and get that part of your life in order? Think of what you would say to your son if he was in your shoes and then do it to show him the way. And while you are at it, you may want to look at Adrial's Home Study course that will be out at the end of this month...it may be what you need to help you gain some perspective on your H status.

And get on here and write when you need to - you said it felt good to write it down - well, then keep writing! Perhaps that can be part of your healing.

In the end, Herpes may be what you needed to get you to focus on what is important. Providing for your son and being a role model for him. Getting your self respect back. Learning to love yourself so much that you can reveal your status to a man and be ok with whatever way he reacts, because you don't NEED him.... he is a partner and not your only source of self-worth. If he walks, it's because he's not for you. If he stays, it's because he loves you, warts and all. And that is a pretty beautiful thing, right??

(((HUGS)))

abbyroad:

Wow. Some of the challenges you're working on are very familiar to me. I really have to echo WCSDancer's comments regarding your depression issues. I absolutely would accept much more trouble with herpes if I just didn't have to ever deal with bouts of depression again. Unless one has experienced it, you can't understand the grip depression can have. My herpes is an annoyance, but my depression is immobilizing. For me, resisting depression is my #1 continuous priority. If I have a herpes OB, I can still carry on with the rest of my life fairly well. But if a bout of depression sneaks up on me, everything else in my life comes to a halt. I'd say, get that depression under control so you can successfully work on other issues. If meds are required, so be it (at least til you feel “stabilized”).

Hi Everyone, I have been working on a self help course, lol, I am so embarrassed I poured all that negativity on this site. I know what everyone is explaining about getting my life on track, I have been working on it, and feel so much better.

Thank you all so much for kindness and support.

Hey abbyroad! :)

Thanks for the apology, and it's all forgiven. Everyone has their process of healing. When we're feeling sick — whether it's physically sick or emotionally — sometimes we have to throw up to get it out and start feeling better. Sometimes people come to these boards with their negativity and need us to support them in getting it all out. :)

And I'm so happy to hear that you're taking care of yourself. Investing in yourself and your own happiness is the absolute BEST investment you can possibly make. (FYI, I'm about to launch the H Opp self-help course soon, too. Can't wait!)

Hi Adrial, once again, this site is awesome. It keeps growing, which I think is a good thing. I just read a discussion where people were not very kind to a girl posting about her having sex without disclosing. I was shocked to see how insensitive people are. Is there anything that can keep people from running away from this site, once reading such anger filled comments on their posts?

Is there a way to remove negative feed back and let other people respond who are more caring, or is that against an Amendment... I can't remember which one... lol...

Abbyroad - please see my response on the discussion you are referring to.

Thanks

I don't see anyone being insensitive. We don't allow people who are being outright insensitive. The only way to help people is through love and acceptance, not through insensitivity and judgment. AND (if I'm remembering the one instance you're referring to), you can imagine that for the people who have gotten herpes from partners who haven't disclosed to them will be a bit triggered when responding. We all strive to be less triggered and more supportive and caring. Those who don't try to be supportive and caring get kicked off these boards. Those who do try get to learn and grow along with all of us in this community. And that's where the power of this community is. We're all growing and learning and doing our best. And being supported in doing just that.

If you're interested, you can read over our community guidelines:

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1010/please-read-herpes-opportunity-community-guidelines/p1

I don't think people were being insensitive. I think that it triggered some pain, because some of us got it because of a partner not disclosing with us.. It probably triggered a bit of harshness, but all in all we are a family and we are here for each other and always will be.