What a tangled web we weave

Hey I’m new to the forum, I have a complicated Herpes story (seems everyone’s is so different) that I’m having trouble dealing with. I’m a married male in my early 40s and I have HSV2. My first herpes symptoms appeared a year and a half ago, a few days after a one night stand (which BTW I don’t make a habit of). I had minor symptoms for almost two months straight, which only went away when I took Valtrex. I also immediately gave it to my wife, she had symptoms that same week, glandular swelling and all but it was gone within a couple of weeks. I got a negative blood test 5 months after the initial outbreak started, but I still had regular outbreaks, I was tested again (14 months after the initial outbreak) and got a positive result. So it looks like my wife and I have HSV2, although she’s terrified of needles and hasn’t been tested yet. Testing also isn’t available where I live, which complicates matters.

So that’s it in a nutshell, simple, and life goes on….well not quite. I immediately contacted the girl who gave it to me when symptoms appeared. She was honestly shocked, got some sort of test, which was negative. As my initial outbreak went on and on, we chatted online and became friends (long distance). She’s a single mom, nice girl, and I really like her. She’s my BFF now, life is funny sometimes. After I had that negative herpes test result last summer we put that all behind us, figuring it couldn’t have been HSV and must have been something else. So when we met again last winter we had sex. I know I’m bad, we had the best of intentions and had promised no sex, but that’s life, we have chemistry, add a bottle of wine and there’s sparks.

So here I am now with a positive test that my BFF doesn’t know about yet. She’s had a rough couple of months with lots on her plate, and I just haven’t been able to tell her because I don’t want to push her over the edge. I’m 99% certain I got it from her, because before our first encounter it was over a year since I was naked with anyone else but my wife, and that was only a female “playmate” of my wife’s which it was very unlikely I could have contracted HSV2. Apart from that it was five years since I was with anyone else. I never had any sort of symptoms before that encounter, and have had regular outbreaks every 6 weeks or so since then. So hey, testing or no testing it’s pretty obvious. My wife figures we got it from a playmate, we’ve had 3-4 threesomes the past few years, but that’s unlikely since it’s only oral. Sometimes she talks about “the time you came home with this” so she half suspects the truth.

So here I am, the evil one! Living with a lie from my wife that I love very much, we’ve been together 17 years so it isn’t gonna break us up, but it’s gonna be a rough ride that I’m not looking forward to. Then there’s my BFF who almost certainly has Herpes, gave it to me, and I just don’t know how to bring it up again without it looking like I’m accusing her. I know I have to bring it up, but I just can’t, we’ve been there already. Oh what a tangled web we weave.

Hi CanadianGuy,

Thanks for sharing your story. Yes, tangled. Quite the dilemma, huh? So I'm curious: How would you respond in this situation if the roles were reversed and she came out with this information to you?

(And FYI, this isn't a rhetorical question; all relationships are different and it sounds like your relationship is more on the open side vs. monogamous. So I'm really just curious about how you would respond based on knowing your relationship best.)

She can be carrier with no symptoms. I have hsv1 in genital area and fingers crossed never passed it on. When I told one of my pt lovers, he said, what's a few spots between friends!! Bless him

The roles could very well be reversed, we'll never know that because my wife didn't get tested last summer when I did. Maybe my wife caught it from a playmate, it is possible, but the timing is off since her first outbreak had all the makings of a recent infection primary outbreak. But that's still one of the unknowns here. I may have caught it from her, but I'm just looking at the odds here........and blame myself obviously.

Hey Canadian Guy...I just look at it this way - if it is bothering you constantly that you are not telling and you feel like your integrity is being compromised...which I figure is why you are having to get it off your chest, you need to do something about it.

You have two choices...live with the lie and feel constantly like crap or be honest and deal with the consequences. And never take a relationship or someones love for granted...this may shake up your life in ways you can't imagine if you continue to be dishonest and keep secrets - life has a way of kicking you in the ass if you don't do what you think is the right thing.

So you don't need to accuse anyone, even yourself...you don't really know where you got it from (you could have had it a long time before any symptoms), your wife believes she has it but she won't get tested, your BFF got naked with you when she also promised no sex...everyone has to take responsibility for their choices, not just you. Good luck :-)

Canadian Guy, I am really glad you shared your story. My boyfriend and I are in an open relationship, or maybe more monogamish, and it was, unfortunately our very first experience (an uncharacteristically uncareful act, on both our parts) that exposed me to herpes. I was feeling somewhat wary of sharing my story, though I was planning to anyway, because I wasn't certain how judgemental this community was of such things, but I'm thankful to see that it is not.

Hey nmo...no judgements here...I too had an open relationship with my ex husband for several years (more open on his part but I gave it a go for a short time). I was just lucky I didn't get exposed to it way back then. Glad you have shared too...that's the good thing about being on here. If anyone did make a judgement you would have so many more supporting you, that one judgment would be a bit like a clothed person being on a nudist beach...like duh :-)!

:) Thanks lelani.