Feeling guilty

Who would think something like a disease could make you feel so guilty. Guilty about things you have no control over anymore. Maybe I'm feeling guilty because I could have had control before. All the sex talks & condom lectures, all the "wait for the one you love" advice & here I am. Because I didn't listen to a damn thing anybody told me. I acted as if I was invincible. As if I had some kind of shield when I was using no kind of protection. I guess most of the guilt is because I am completely in love with this beautifully amazing man, & he accepts it & he loves me anyways, but it's so unfair that he has to love somebody like me.. Well not that he has to love me but if he wants to be with me, he has to deal with it. There's nothing either of us can do about it. & I feel like a selfish piece of shit for even being with him sometimes. Making love isn't the same with herpes. That's obviously not the most important thing but it definitely sucks.. I'm lucky to have somebody like him but all I can think is that maybe if I would have listened to all the lectures & the advice I would have only slept with him & I wouldn't have to deal with this bullshit. Even when he has to put on condoms I feel horrible. Is that stupid?? Sometimes it even just turns me off & I don't even want to continue because I feel so damn disgusting & dirty. I've never been so ashamed of myself in my life. I don't know I'm just hoping that he doesn't ever look at me differently, because I have no idea what I would do without him. The good news is that when I first was diagnosed, that's all I could think about. But when he's around I hardly think about it. But once in awhile, it's hard to keep your head up..

Wow, how does it feel beating yourself up like this? I feel like giving you a stern talking-to about how horribly you treat yourself ... ;)

Yes, you had unprotected sex, yes your boyfriend accepts you with herpes (Yay! Congrats, by the way!), and yes, you have no right to call yourself a selfish piece of shit because you contracted herpes and now want to be in a perfectly good relationship for you. People accept each other in relationships in spite of all kinds of stuff. Everyone has their shit. Herpes happens to be one of your things that he accepts. I'm sure you accept a lot about him, too. That's what relationship is all about. You accept the "bad" with the "good" (if you even want to label things like that).

You gotta work on some good old-fashioned self-love and compassion, sista! If a friend were telling you the things you tell yourself, would you be their friend? I'd kick that kind of a friend to the curb! And saying all this isn't to guilt you and shame you even more ... Goodness knows you don't need more of that. But I hope you snap to and realize that putting yourself through this "I'm horrible" shit isn't doing anyone any GOOD. And that's the hard truth. Yes, you got herpes. Now what? What are you going to have it mean? That you're dirty, disgusting and shameful OR that you realize the beautiful person you are in spite of having this simple virus/skin condition? Do you realize you're the kind of person that this "beautifully amazing man" loves deeply? Does he love the dirty, disgusting part of you that you're choosing to make loom over you? Or does he love something more? Try focusing on the parts of you that are worthy of loving. See what shifts. It's your choice.

Much love, Brooke. I care less whether you keep your head up or down and more about how you treat yourself. If you can't stand up for yourself, then I will. Big hug.

Hi Brooke

I just wanted to let you know that before I got herpes, ironically, I had the most fastidiously, ultra careful attitude to sex. I nearly always used condoms, I only slept with people I'd really gotten to know and I got tested all the time. I was so WORRIED all the frickin' time about getting an STI. And I got it, having used condoms, in the middle of long term relationship, through oral sex (which I had no idea could give you HSV1- no one ever told me that in health class). Essentially, I contracted this horrible STI from someone with no STI, just plain old symptomless oral herpes. In comparison, friends of mine, who were never careful, never got tested and liked having a lot casual sex are, as far as they know, totally clean.

My point is that it is really unfair. And f*cking random. It could have been your boyfriend, or one of your friends or one of mine instead. It really has not a great deal to do with YOU. And for that reason the last thing you should do is beat yourself up. I wasted over a year feeling like that continuously and am only just starting to snap out of it now. I know it's hard to do that and I am still very much working on it but I have realised it does no good at all to feel that way. It's a poisonous way of being and can rot your life and your relationships. And you absolutely don't deserve that. Let yourself feel good.