S.E.X. in all its hues

Adrial is my friend on FB and surely he comes across my dry humor--which at times can take on a self-deprecating tone--a tone i've adopted not because i enjoy belittling myself, but because i have a tendency to be too private, too contained, too self-absorbed, too serious. Just earlier tonight, after a long day of casting appointments, I stopped at the local sports bar for those of the homosexual persuasion and sat there sipping on Cabernet for a while. 3 glasses later, my neighbor to the right struck up a conversation: "What do your tattoos mean?" he asked. I have 3 so the explanation was in-depth. eventually he confessed that he had been intimidated by the way I sat there at the bar, looking straight at the TV, glancing sporadically to my right or left as if judging my fellow strangers. But i wasn't. i was just winding down from a day of casting calls, and trying to get my mind off the fact that my unemployment benefits are drying up. I was also feeling quite intimidated myself--sitting alone at a gay bar in NYC. The point of this detailed tale has more to do with SEX than meets the eye. How? you ask. well after analysing the easy enthusiasm the strange fellow began to show as the night went on, it dawned on me that i have been so sexually repressed... for years. i'm not saying i was attracted to this man or that i wanted to jump his bones. No. i am saying that i have sat in social settings not living fully in my sexuality, the energy that exudes from each of us whether male or female, gay or straight. Just an hour ago, i started chatting with a FB friend who resides in LA... a visibly attractive man of rare masculine beauty. yet he confessed to me that he does not see that in himself... that it was a "work in progress". I paused... because i can relate. What i am trying to explain here may not have to do with physical beauty, whether you have a six pack, or whether you have JLo booty or Jennifer Aniston hair or Ryan Gosling looks... what i am trying to get at is something deeper, an ESSENCE, a sexual awareness that emanates from self-worth... like a loud yelp to the world: I am MAN. I am WOMAN. I am a SEXUAL BEING and I have a place in the world. Rejecting this essential part of who we are reinforces the stigma around our skin condition (clinically known as Herpes Simplex). I have forgotten about my sexuality... not my urges... or my horny episodes... but this gift which Nature gave to us all. May i dare sit anywhere and exude this essential aspect of me, of my body, of my soul--despite my skin condition known as HSV--and relish, or luxuriate, in the fact that God loves my cock and testicles because God created them... God loves your tits and your vagina because He/She created your tits and your vagina... these "privates" as we've been conditioned to label them are instrumental in the grand scheme of things... and because they are made of skin and once in awhile may exhibit a rash/sore/outbreak/whatever... they do not stop being beautiful and glorious and even magical! yes... magical! we are sexual beings with the power to create babies, to propagate the species, to fill the Earth with our spawn if we choose to... WE ARE GOD. maybe i'm talking in circles here... if i am, bare with me... i just started thinking about my LA friend's lack of self-love for his body, his sexuality... which is mind-boggling and illuminating. i don't know--he may be HIV poz but that's beside the point--i cannot forget that this body i reside in is a gift and that HSV (or whatever virus may reside in it for you) cannot be a reason to belittle the totality of this exquisite creative machine... lets dare to sit quietly, whether in private or in a public setting, luxuriating in the fact that our sexuality (homo, hetero, bi, trans, etc) is DELICIOUS and PURE and UNIQUE and LOVELY and DESIRABLE... for the simple reason that God intended it to be so. Go to bed each night and caress your skin, your genitals, your buttocks, your lips, your feet, your thighs, the body part you like most and especially the body part you like the least, and softly--without aggression or malice--make love to yourself, communicate with silent touches, take time off from the grind at the gym or the yoga studio where all that we're doing is tearing up our muscle in an effort to grow stronger or lose weight... FUCK THAT... caress the belly fat, run your finger tips across your big thighs (or skinny thighs), invent the language your body would want to hear. This i think is acknowledging my worth, acknowledging this wonderful creation which we are leasing as we trek through life on Earth. i decide to remember that when i die, my flesh will brown--wither like a rose--and return to the earth. but what a sexy beautiful rose it is.

Thank you for reading! Much love--Carlos :)

Enjoyed reading that. Thanks, Carlos. You rock. ;)

Much love to you. Xoxoxo

Oh my goodness! You verbalized much of what I've been struggling with lately! It's true about how clamping down and repressing what is still pretty damn glorious, if we think about it, is such a shame!! thank you for this inspirational message and quick lesson in self love.

You reiterated how I've been feeling...I loved this

Hi Carlos....just beautiful...it sooo is about our essence, our energy and our self worth.. Sending you the hugest cyber hug!!!! xx

I <3 you

This is beautiful, Carlos. YES! Touch yourself! Love yourself! Accept yourself! Play with yourself in all ways possible! If we can't do that for ourselves, then how can we expect someone else to do it for us? :)

This is beautiful, thanks.

Gorgeous writing.. Coming from a writer.. Honest writing comes from our feelings and ends up resonating universally. Good luck to you!!! Blessings xx

Wow, this is lovely, truly, like poetry. It made me really pause, tear up a bit, and want to hug myself. Thank you so much for sharing

Making me smile... love this post!!

What a great read! Thank you so much for sharing all of this, it is very touching and inspirational.

Such amazing raw honesty. Thanks

wow....

Carlos you are amazing! This couldn't be more true, and more uplifting! I've recently been diagnosed with hsv and i've been a million times harder on my appearance since. I've been nit picking at every little detail, feeling that if I don't surpass my figure goals I will never be worthy of any guys sexual attention again....but you're right, everything you said was so uplifting. We are sexual unconditionally. We are beautiful. Our bodies are amazing and we should appreciate all that they are and all that they do. We accept the love we think we deserve, so time to start loving every nook and cranny on our body and every quality that makes us unique.

Hello everyone! Thank you for taking the time to read (the initial post). I wrote it with all of us in mind. It took me many years to arrive at that point. A full-fledged perfectionist, I had to learn the hard way: perfection is unattainable... and ultimately deceptive. I had to learn that in my desparate seeking, I was forgoing the truth about the human condition: it is in constant flux, seeking not perfection, but evolution. And the truth about ME: that I am GOOD just as I am. I had to lose everything in order to open my eyes. I had to get my heart broken several times, until it opened up. Love goes on. Hearts don't stop booming. I have faith, now more than ever, that everything happens to me for a reason.

Have a beautiful week, ya'll... wherever you are :)

Big hug.

Carlos

This. I needed to read this thank you Carlos!!!!! I'm just regaining my sexuality...and I agree we all have this for a reason. And it's a good one :) life has an odd way of teach us lessons.

WOW-that was amazing. I wish I could carry the whole damn thing around in my purse because it would be great to have those words handy :)

you sure have a way with words! This was nice to read after the way I was feeling it helped me gain some perspective. Thank you Carlos :)

Brought tears to my eyes....recently diagnosed. I am very sexual person, not saying I go sleeping around but see sex as something beautiful especially when it's done with someone you love; its mágical.

I did some modeling in my younger years and here in my small Latino community, I'm quite known and I have a sex appeal most men are attracted to. (Not being egotistical but pretty much) Now post H diagnosis, I'm having a hard time feeling sexy again, feeling beautiful. I feel like damaged goods. I wonder "Would that guy even ask for my number if he knew I have H?" I don't want to dress up and draw any man's attention. I am still recovering from a 4 year heartbreak-back and forth from my son's dad. Before H I tried meeting new men, dated a couple and the relationship ended (one cheated, the other one-I ended). Now, post H, I don't even want to bother even meeting anyone and having to tell them what I carry in my nerves...

Beautiful to read and be reminded by a stranger of how beautiful we STILL are post H.

Gracias.

@konfusious I know how you feel. I felt the same way for months after I got it. I felt I didn't even deserve to feel sexy. I felt like it was wrong for me to even dance sexy or fkirt for that matter. It's insanity the emotional torment of being diagnosed does to you. I think because our genitals are called privates and it's something we hide from most everyone, it adds on to the stigma. Cold sores don't have the stigma, because you can't hide it... Our oorvates our our little hidden secrets and then when they get a highly stigmatized virus, people now add on dirty to it. It's not.all to feel the way you do, as I did as well. I'd remember when I could go out and have fun for an hr and forget about H. As time went on, those periods got longer and longer. Hang in there, you'll be OK.

Love Adrial's comment.

What we see in ourselves and what others see is so different. We are our worse critics. Herpes doesnt define us, only if we allow it to it will. Sexiness comes from within and radiates through our personality, smile, laugh, way one carry themselves and how others are treated. A man is not sexy until he is a gentlman and a woman is not sexy untill she acts like a lady. Herpes is minutiae to all this.

Walk like you own it, smiling, and you will be amazed what comes your way! Give it a try.

@2Legit2Quit Exactly how I feel, I don't want to isolate myself because it only adds to the depression. So far, I haven't had a bad case of outbreaks. Had it not been for this recent one I wouldn't have known 100% I am H+. I'm researched more and more on the virus and in reality it's something so small (I'm more concerned of how people view it-as you said, the stigma) than the actual virus. I'm also concerned of contaiging any future partner (or them running away after disclosing) we never know if contagied, how they're immune system will respond.

Trying to hang in here, glad to read I'm not the only one feeling/that has felt the way I am feeling now.

Thank you!