Crunch Time

I'm supposed to be meeting this new guy the day after tomorrow. He's cooking me dinner at his house and I know he'll want me to stay over. He asked last time and I made excuses. We've been dating for a little while now and I know I can't keep making excuses but I am so afraid to tell him. Sometimes I think I am fine with it, it's only HSV1, I've only had one outbreak, I'm fine, it's fine but then I feel so afraid, ashamed and dirty. It takes me to such a dark, horrible place in my head.

I really like this guy and I want to be honest with him because he's lovely and I respect him. He's awesome and I feel lucky to have met him. I hope one day this could turn into a proper relationship. So I have to tell him. But I'm worried he won't like me anymore if I he knows I have this. Or that he'll be fine then suddenly get scared and change his mind. Or even that I'll feel so grateful for being with him that he could be a total pig like my ex was and I would put up with it because he likes me regardless.

I know this is an age old problem and something everyone with H has to go through. But if anyone could tell me something, anything that would make me feel ok about this I'd be so grateful. It sounds stupid but I feel so f*cking alone right now. I have already download and read the e book about the disclosing btw.

I feel you, geegee. And so cool that you're dating a guy you like so much! That's exciting!

And what did you get from reading the e-book? A lot of what is in there helps switch your perspective away from this doom and gloom and into the perspective that is more beneficial and life-affirming. Take a look at where you are: You're getting to a point in your relationship where you feel safe and loved enough to be vulnerable with him! That's great! It's less about the topic of herpes and more about the relationship you feel between you two. You wouldn't just tell any old person at the bus stop that you have herpes, right? Just the fact that you feel you're to the point of telling him is an important milestone to not just step over. It's a special moment. And it means a lot about what you think about this relationship. Sure, it's scary. Sure, it's vulnerable. A lot of things in life that are worth it are scary and vulnerable. Fuck it.* It sounds worth it.

*Aside: By the way, for an overview on the "Fuck it" philosophy, here's a video of our beloved Ice-T explaining it:

And remember that disclosing shows so much about the kind of person you are and how much you care. And regardless of how he responds or whether he even recognizes that, you are acting from a solid place of integrity and self-love. Focus on the excitement of the relationship going to a deeper level, not on the possibility that he'll reject you. Notice what you're choosing to focus on and how that has you feel. You don't have control over how he's going to react, but you do have control over your own relationship to yourself and the topic.

Good luck, geegee! I, for one, am excited for you and the possibility of where this disclosure might take this relationship.

Thank you for your reply Hopp.

I really did love the E book. Your take on having and disclosing herpes is incredibly refreshing and so positive. A lot of the advice I've got from family, friends and health workers in the past has been either 'It's this terrifying scary, HORRIBLE thing' (can you believe on the day I was diagnosed, the doctor told me not to tell any of my friends I had it because they'd only be scared of catching it from me?!) to 'It's no big deal, don't bother telling anyone about it.'

For a while I went with the latter (although thankfully I was never in a position to actually lie to anyone about it) because that was by far the 'easiest' in my head. No further outbreaks made me feel that actually I could pretend that actually didn't have it at all...

It was only when I came across this forum I realised there could be an alternative and there were cool, clever people who weren't getting bogged down by the stigma of it all but still being honest with those they cared about. I'm very grateful to all those people who contributed to this forum for letting me see that other perspective. I am not in that place yet but that is absolutely where I would like to be, the person I would like to be. So that's where tomorrow, if it comes up, I will try to put myself, much as it terrifies me. In my eyes I really do see it as the person I am trying to be as much as the person I am trying to be with.

Hi-five, Professor H.

From almost the exact same boat, geegee (right down to the diagnosis and the scenario), all I can say is that sometimes you have to just resign yourself to 'whatever happens happens' and leave it up to fate. Not trying to expel sage advice or anything, I say this for you as much as myself, but all you can do is what you can at that moment. No more, no less.

Heya leslie_c! I think you just expelled sage advice unwittingly. Whoops! ;) Thanks for that. :)

And here's a blog post on the whole "whatever happens happens" philosophy (also known as "If this, then what?"). If we can let go of how it *should* be and concentrate on how it *is* and move into how we *want* it to be from there, we'll all be more happy and less stressed. (And yes, I'm also saying this just as much for myself as for others.)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-help-one-magic-phrase/

Ok so I'm excited to tell you that it went ok!

I was in two minds whether or not to tell him (i thought if it reached that point I'd just make my excuses and run home) but in the end I just did it. Which was really bloody hard. But weirdly empowering because I was looking him in the eye and saying 'I'm telling you this because I care and I respect you. And whatever you feel about it is totally ok.' It made me feel good about myself rather than ashamed. I thought it would be like the awful time I first found out I had it and had to break the news to my then-boyfriend.

But he was ok about it. Like really ok. He was just really calm and asked lots of questions which I did my best to answer. And he said he was very grateful that I was honest and it said a lot about the person I was. And also acknowledged that it must have been a hard thing to go through and a hard thing to admit, which for some silly reason was really good to hear but it felt like he could understand.

Guys, it was totally totally not as bad as thought it would be. I'm not even sure if things will work with this guy or if I even want to be in a serious relationship with but honestly I don't mind what happens because I feel that if we didn't work it would be for some other reason NOT herpes.

I feel like I've just slain this massive dragon that's been living in my head for the past 2 years.

Oh and also wanted to add that probably the best bit was that after he's told me it was totally cool and he was really attracted to me etc, we were actually able to joke about the previous conversation being the ultimate last thing on earth you'd want to hear on a date (in a nice way) or that it was great I hadn't just come out with it right after we'd finished having sex.

This may sound weird to some people but I'm someone who likes to make light of crap stuff in life, I really think it's key to getting over things. And I never never thought I'd be able to joke about having herpes with someone in that way. I thought it would always be this huge, dark, shameful thing. But that someone could treat it like it was no big deal with me and actually laugh about it was kind of amazing. Like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.