I've heard it all. What do I do next? :/

Three and half years ago I was diagnosed with HSV-2. I researched everything I could, talked to every doctor/therapist that I could afford, and always had an amazing support team sticking by my side(My Parents and best friend) but even three years later I am still struggling tremendously and SOO happy to have found this site. I can finally talk and vent to people that understand and read their stories. I am so grateful.

So here's my story..

I have to admit being only 17 at the time I was going through the phase of dating all the bad boys. And one in particular I knew was a compulsive liar and was somewhat of a player but of course I loved the thrill of it. (I regret it obviously) We were sexually active for about a month when one day I knew something wasn't right. My first (and only) outbreak had happened and I was a total wreck. After testing positive, I confronted him and prayed he would be there with comforting words but it was the total opposite. At first he denied everything, saying he didn't have it, that I was the dirty one and to stay away. Then he changed the story saying he did find a "bump" and he thinks he knows who gave it to him. Deep down I knew he was lying. I know he knew, lied to me and didn't give a shit. He even started to show this evil side of him I wish I saw earlier. His exact words "I don't care if I have an outbreak or not, if I want to get some I'm gonna f** get some." Not only did he abandon me to deal with this alone, for months after he spread rumors to all my friends that he knew someone who gave it to me and a million different lies. I went from about 12 close best friends and plenty of acquaintances to 2 best friends and plenty of old friends snickering behind my back. Everywhere I went he was there causing trouble. I tried denying and defending myself but soon gave up and went into isolation.

After some time I met someone who ignored all rumors and treated me like a normal person. I attached myself almost instantly and we dated for about 2 and half years on and off. I never told him because once again I lived in a world where I didn't have Herpes and I wanted to take full advantage of it. Which I see now was the worst and most selfish thing I could ever do. I believe in Karma and it always bit me in the ass. He cheated on me plenty of times and I always forgave him feeling like I deserved it. I felt like I deserved to never be fully happy. Every night I would go to bed overwhelmed with guilt and regret. I just didn't know what else to do. A couple months ago we ended but still keep in contact and I've had to reflect on what kind of person I am and what I really want for myself. My mother always reminds me that i'm a beautiful person and I need to stop acting like i'm Handicap (the way she puts it). That one day someone will love me for who I am and I won't be alone. And to stop settling for less then the best. But a mother is suppose to tell you that. Right?

I didn't really believe that until I met someone recently. We fell for each other almost over night. I've never been treated so good in my life. He was amazing and an angel to me. Not only did we get along emotionally, mentally but physically. We were so sexually attracted to each other it was unreal. A few drunken nights I even slipped up and went a little farther then I should have. I was back at square one. Of course my anxiety came over me and I felt he was too good for me and I tried to push him away but he kept coming back telling me he could handle anything I threw at him because he believed I was worth it. I finally let go and we were great. Took it slower and I honestly started to feel like I could tell him and he wouldn't run away. Until I found out one of friends was actually the one who gave me Herpes. That same evil person from years ago, back to ruin my life. He started telling my current boyfriend and all his friends what I had. (Obviously not giving himself away saying it was his friend I contracted it from) He confronted me and I had no choice but to tell him the truth. The HARDEST conversation of my life. I felt so ashamed and scared but he was SO understanding. His words were if "I can trust you, you can trust me. If you take care of me, I'll take care of you." It was too good to be true. For a couple days we were good. Talking and learning and supporting each other until (I'm assuming) He hung out with his friends and he researched some more and freaked himself out. I know he got tested and it came negative like I knew it would. But he still ended it with me. Saying it was a lot to handle especially since he's so young. I have been devastated for weeks. He will randomly write me saying he misses me and gives me small signs he's still interested but nothing big yet.

I feel like i'm at a standstill. Vulnerable and hopeless. Even though I've been dealing with this for years I'm really having to face it more than ever now. And it's being reminded constantly that the chance of me finding that special someone who will be there no matter what, and treat me like a NORMAL healthy person, at the same time being honest, is very slim. I try to keep my head up and know it could be way worse. I feel like i live a completely normal life, considering I have had no sign of an outbreak since the first time. I take medicine and vitamins daily to stay healthy but it still doesn't help the mental part of this all. I try not to be bitter towards the one who gave it to me and try to accept it all as positively as I can but I keep getting pulled down.

What do I do now?

Sorry for the lengthy story. My first time being able to fully and comfortably vent.

thank you for sharing your story! I gasped a couple times at the first guy you mentioned but then nodded in sadness at how similar ish our stories are. you were 17 when you found out i was 19. Your giver was similar to mine in that he denied it completely and acted as if he felt bad for me but that it wasn't him. He faded out eventually and i lived my whole next school year in complete denial. unfortunately i had a casual fling with a new guy who i thought was very nice, but he was graduating college and (i am a year younger than him) said he didn't want a relationship. i was about to disclose to him when i decided he wasn't worth it. why does he have to know if he is not my boyfriend nor wants to be a big part of my life?! i have allowed myself to be at risk of getting other stds by giving oral (NOT receiving it and no sex) thinking i was being safe i realized i had lost all self respect. although i kept my rule of no sex without a relationship i was still FWB with a guy who didn't treat me how i should have been. I kept hooking up thinking I'm fine no outbreaks "i don't have this, i can still date" mentality when i realized I'm not fine and i do have to change the way i date. in the middle of seeing him i met a new guy who i ACTUALLY connected with for the first time in college. he was amazing, but unfortunately he was connected with my giver and his good friend. i don't think he found out because my giver is a super huge coward and wouldn't want to reveal himself but the new guy soon stopped seeing me when he realized he wasn't going to get "ass" from me. All that did was bring on pain and anger i had at my giver because he harassed me using him. When i realized that was over i am now alone again and stuck in a lull thinking will i be alone for years?! i am just very sad and similar to you, i fear that this will be an issue for our generation boys. I just wanted to vent back to you, you are not alone and thought id share my side too.

It's great to hear from someone who can relate. Crazy how similar our stories are. Everyday i'm learning more and more about how to deal with this all. From trial and error of course. It is SO hard to comprehend that I have it considering I have had NO symptoms for years. I feel like I can have a normal sex life, but I still have that guilt. I hope that you can keep in touch and vent all you want to someone who completely understands! :)

I don't know who I got it from at first I felt dirty, since it is associated with a std and regretful of my party years but now I see it just as a skin condition, people have cold sores on their mouth, mine's just in a different area. There is too much negative connotations around this condition, but don't let it define who you are. In a way you now have a way of finding out who is mature and who isn't in your life. It can't be easy that you do have the condition at your age since people are more judgmental, but finding nice intelligent people to spend time with will help you all the more.

Penelope, I know! I have only had that one outbreak my initial one; and since then some days I forget I even have it and it's easier to pretend I don't. And to both of you: parksss about finding intelligent mature people you are right. I kind of do this thing in my head where when I Meet a guy or even with a guy friend I get to know their personality and then I picture what kind of reaction they may have based on that. If I can see them being a douche I make myself not get too close. If I can imagine the nice guy friend being understanding It fixes the types I go for in a way. I know every individual will react different and it won't mean they are a douche if they can't accept it everyone has a right to their feelings but Im curious what you guys do to help yourselves ?

You're right parksss. I guess that's when the positive thinking comes into play. If they aren't mature and understanding I wouldn't want them in my life anyways. I just need to be patient and wait for the right one. And possibly look outside my age group because no one at this age is prepared to deal with it. I do the same thing as you inspired32. I think I just lost my way because I finally did tell someone who I felt I could trust enough not to runaway and got rejected. Not the best feeling. And what do you mean "what you guys do to help yourselves?"

We need a site like this for people who are on the other hand of the situation. The significant others who have just been disclosed by their bf/gf that they have herpes. Everything they read on medical sites scare them. They need a more positive site, but also informative. Anyone know of any?

I mean obviously they could just read these forums and sites but something specifically directed to them.

I've been working on a "disclosure cheat sheet" ... a one-pager that can be handed off after a disclosure that will have all the necessary information they can research on their own time. Here's where you can download this as a pdf and a post-diagnosis informational pdf, too:

http://herpeslife.com/resources/

Super helpful! Thank you! I know that's a huge reason my guy ran away after the talk. He was fine listening to me but after reading up on it and all the scary details I know he freaked out. Again, something positive yet informative!

that is an excellent idea that i have never thought about before! I think a lot of people whether they have it or not, or know they have it or not, act in denial and it is important everyone understands what herpes is really all about. When i mentioned what you guys do to help yourselves i guess i am looking to relate to things you do or thoughts you have that helps you get through the rough days. I have days where i am happy and nothing gets in my way, and then there are days i dwell on my giver and the guy connected to him and think how much anger i hold and how much i "may lose out" with men because it is so hard to find a good one let alone one who will deal with an std. i guess being only 20, i am still young and i have time to let it happen; its the fear of the unknown and the soon to be rejection faced by those we think would be understanding (like in your case) those things hurt and potentially will hurt the worst.

Gosh I feel like I'm listening to myself. Which is amazing! I really have felt alone for years through this whole process and it's incredible to hear from someone the same age and same situation. Which puts things in perspective for me. I think it's easier to give advice than to take your own. When I'm feeling down I turn to those who know my secret and still treat me like a normal person. It gives me comfort to know others see the person I really am, not some diseased handicap. Other than that I haven't found that perfect remedy. Everyone is allowed to have their down times (herpes or not). Trust me, there are days i want to call that douche and just yell at him but that won't change anything. He's not worth any more of my time anyways. This site obviously has helped a ton and now even talking to you and others I can see becoming a huge source of support. I thought walking around keeping this secret to myself and acting like I didn't have herpes (out of sight out of mind sort of thing) was the easiest route. I see now it's not. It feels a thousand times better talking about it and being honest with myself. Even though this guy rejected me because of it, I was honest and that beats the guilt/burden I had before, by a million. Sure I'm super bummed he is not in my life but I'm not giving up. Guess it comes down to my self esteem. I know what I'm worth. :)

I got chills down my spine when I read the last part of your post, penelope81105 ... Thank you! Yes, this is what it's all about. Honesty and integrity leads us to owning the beauty that we are underneath it all. I'm reading a book now called "Getting Real" all about how telling the truth is a path to self-realization. Fascinating concept. Owning how you're feeling in the moment, sharing your honest thoughts and opinions with people, all of this is a practice in making our insides match our outsides ... for so many of us, we cover up how we're really feeling, we create masks and illusions. We are in denial about what is actually real. It leads to us not being able to trust ourselves ... I know I had felt that way for a lot of my life. I spent so much of my energy covering up the stuff that I was convinced if anyone knew about me that they'd hate me (the epitome of shame). But the more I share what's really going on with me with those around me, the more connected I feel — not just to them, but to myself! Herpes is just one component to that. What does having herpes really say about me? I get to determine that for myself. I get to determine the beliefs that I have about herpes. I choose to not believe that I am some diseased person. And even moreso, I focus on who I really am, what I'm really feeling, and I find solid, loving people to surround myself with who will support me and allow me to support them in that.

:) You have inspired me so much and I'm going to continue on this path. Thank you! And thank you for that disclosure cheat sheet! Great idea.

Penelope,

Thanks for taking the time to share your story. It feels good to just say it all, doesn't it? I've been suffering a lot lately and it's nice to read that I am not alone in that. A part of me hates that herpes happened to me, but a part of me is grateful because I am learning to be even stronger than I was before.

I got herpes from a charismatic australian guy....all of my friends were jealous that I got to hook up with him, but if they knew what happened I'm sure they wouldn't be jealous anymore. A few days after sleeping with him I started to notice something was wrong and sure enough: herpes. I've never really felt such an onset of so many emotions: devastation, hurt, regret, anger, self hatred, hatred for him...

I'm only a couple months into this and go back and forth from gratefulness and acceptance to depression and confusion.

I've recently met someone and we've really hit it off. We've taken it really, really slow so far and one night when he wanted to have sex I had to tell him. I was SHOCKED at how well he took it. The fact that we had waited a long while to even consider having sex really created a great foundation, one based on real connection rather than sex. He's so into me that he doesn't care about the herpes. I mean, of course he wants to be safe but he's willing to take the risk. So, they are out there! I like to imagine myself in his position...what if I REALLY liked someone and they disclosed something like that? Would I run? Probably not if the person was special enough :)

What I've found (and I'm no expert considering I'm so new at this whole herpes thing too), is that if you are honest with someone from the start about everything, you can't really go wrong. And if someone runs away, they clearly don't care enough to stay, and is that person really worth it anyway?

Best of luck and if you ever want to talk, send me a message...I'm looking for some people to chat to about all this.

Emily

Well as I dont know who I got it from and how long I had had it. I told my husband and I did feel like I was to blame as I did have a few one night stands in my past but he was fine about it. My hubby is not one to read or research but I have simplified as to what it means for us as a couple, he hasn't been judgemental , he didnt quite understand it at first, I also haven't let him be judgemental, this condition has meant I have to take better care for myself and be more intune to my body. Its helped my relationship with myself really.