Help with moving on and forgiving a partner who did not disclose

My partner's decision not to disclose to me her HSV2 until two years into our relationship has been really hard for me to work through. I can't describe some of the important nuance without writing half a novel but Im hoping I can get some sage advice.

I met Jennifer (using a fictional name to keep this simpler) two years ago while on vacation. She was amazing, but even after spending lots of time with her during our first week, I was still in a place where I, being one year out of a long term marriage, thought this was exactly the reason to "play the field" - to have the opportunity to meet amazing women like her. But based on her argument to me, I started to weigh the risk of committing to someone against the risk of letting someone go who might prove to be perfect for me. She talked me into it.

Almost two years into our relationship, Jennifer told me during a weekend together that she's had herpes for several years. She was having an outbreak, which I am sure is what forced the timing of the disclosure. She'd been agonizing, and rationalizing, and trying to find " the right time," and she felt terrible about not having told me. She said she'd been afraid to lose me, afraid I would hate her, and the more time that went by, the harder it got. She had gone nearly the first two years of our relationship without an outbreak and had not had one for a couple of years prior to our getting together, so part of her justification was that it wasn't really on her mind and that she thought perhaps she was not going to have outbreaks any more and that it could just remain a secret forever. She admitted that had we broken up (she acknowledged that she had planned to break up with me about six months into the relationship but changed her mind), that she would not have told me.

Jennifer has always struck me an honest and highly ethical person. It's one of the things I admire about her. She's also extremely bright. Knowing her, I can only imagine that she read and studied and learned everything she could about the virus and what it meant to her sex life. After breaking up with her then boyfriend a while later, she went a long time without having sex. She then met and dated someone a few times, and for the first time had what seems to be commonly referred to as "the herpes talk." Unfortunately, she was rejected. In her words "he wanted no part of that." I was her next partner, but she had had a couple of "near misses," the telling of which made it clear that she had not intended to disclose to these would-be casual partners. And for all she knew at the time of our first encounter, I would be no more than a casual partner.

I know that the rejection of the guy who "wanted no part of that" had scarred her and scared her. Because of that, I understand why she would be reluctant to disclose. And after that, the justifications became a combination of "Maybe I will never have another outbreak and wont have to deal with it," and "I'm too scared of losing him to tell him." Some of the rationalization was premised on her claimed belief that she could only transmit during an outbreak (also hard for me to accept, given that I learned that this was not the case within literally seconds of internet research)

Jennifer told me of a couple of friends who are infected (she has told very few people), and she actually used the phrase "the herpes talk" when speaking of their experiences. So I know from that story, from our own conversations, and from even just a little bit of googling on the ethics of herpes - that while there are differing opinions about the right time and manner for disclosure, almost everyone agrees it has to be prior to a sexual encounter. I know she genuinely feels terrible about having put me in the position of not being able to make this choice for myself BEFORE falling deeply in love with her.

Ironically, had she disclosed this to me prior to our first encounter, I would have done then what I'm sure anyone would do. I would have googled that shit and learned that herpes is not that big a deal for most people, that most infected people don't even know they have it, and that really for most people the "herpes talk" itself IS the worst thing about having herpes. In all likelihood, I would have respected her and trusted her for having told me, I would have spent an hour on google, and said "OK, ready to fuck?" I've tested negative, so from this point forward I voluntarily assume the risk, and if I become infected she does not have to feel guilty about it. And truly at this point, the herpes itself is not the issue. The issue is trust and security.

Jennifer is an exceptional person. I am no slouch - reasonably attractive, funny, multi-talented, very loving, generally pretty kind, professionally successful, blessed in some iother attributes - but she is truly off the charts, so beautiful and sexy and fun and engaging and magical that even though I am generally pretty confident and have good self esteem, I have often doubted my worthiness, wondered why she would be with me. I have been uncharacteristically insecure in the relationship, and that has been aggravated and amplified by her non-disclosure.

From all those years of being single and independent and not needing a man in her life, she has evolved into some character flaws. She is pretty selfish, probably resultant from the habits of not having to consult a partner about decisions, not having to compromise with anyone in her personal life, etc. I have also discovered that she is not so good at communicating in an intimate relationship notwithstanding her exceptional professional communication skills This is something that I am learning to point out, laugh at, forgive, and move on; it's actually reassuring that there is at least one thing that she's not good at. But the herpes non-disclosure, because it was so significantly inconsiderate and selfish, has made those tiny sins seem bigger and even brings back old ones that I thought were long forgotten.

When I bring it up, she gets resentful, like I am holding on to some ancient offense, forgetting that although it "ended" for her when she finally told me, it is all still new to me and feels like a betrayal and changes our story. Where once I looked back at the moment that she persuaded me to give us a chance as a moment of romantic magic, for example, I now look back at it and think how could she talk me into committing to a long term exclusive relationship without telling me?

Nonetheless, I remain in love with her and hopeful that I can get past this. It's my issue now, and it's not fair to HER to stay in the relationship if I can't let it go. She really liked being in a relationship with a guy who regularly expressed that I don't deserve her. I know I need to get past the "I don't deserve THIS" feeling about the non-disclosure in order to get back to feeling like I don't deserve HER. I want to get back to being that guy for her.

I think I am mostly past the anger and blame and now just trying to recapture the magic and admiration and to feel like i can trust her with my heart.

My thoughts, you definitely have the right to feel like you were betrayed and she should have told you long ago. It's also natural to wonder what else you don't know. However, it seems her intention was out of fear of losing you versus something more malicious. This can be very hard for some people, but it's still not an excuse.

Personally, I believe in disclosure for this exact reason. I don't want a significant other to doubt me in the future and wonder what else I'm hiding and question, "do I really know this person?"

I agree that with your thought on needing to determine if you're willing to accept her deceit. If you can't the problem will manifest itself in other ways and ultimately remain a problem in your relationship.

My recommendation would be if you truly like her and want to make it work, make her have a real conversation with you and ensure she understands why it's a point of discussion and you want to use this as an opportunity for her to be more honest in the future and if so, you'll give her a pass. Important, you really do need to give her a pass and not use it as a point of contention in the future.

On another note, your description of her being so independent and therefore is use to being selfish sounds familiar to me personally and at the moment. It can be such a pain in the butt to deal with, lol.

That's a tough deal.

I personally have "nightmares" that my girlfriend who did not know she had herpes tells me that she knew all along. It naggs at me sometimes, but we talked about that a lot when we first got our diagnosis.

Seriously not awesome conversations ensued.

But it boils down to either leaving that person or sticking with them.

In my case, the jury is out on the moral side of the house.

For you, it's different.

Can you trust her going forward?

Will she do harm through omission again?

Can you be comfortable around her?

Is it going to be as great gojng forward as it was despite the surprise?

Tough questions.

You have to decide for yourself.

This is so tough. I think an important mindset to have here is to really understand where she is coming from if you want to truly move past this. I have slept with someone I really cared about (didn't realize I would end up doing so or that we would date). I had to tell him later. I have never drafted so many practice speeches. Working through how to do it with my therapist and friends. But no matter what they tell me there is no way to describe how it can make you feel unless you have been through it.

Sometimes, disclosing can pull you out of a seeming fairy tale. When I'm just me, I get to be me. Sexy and confident, fun and light hearted. Just myself. Or the someone I want to be. And often times that person is not enough once the disclosure of Herpes comes along. It cancels everything else about myself out. And not just with the guys I date, but with just me in my mind. I'm no longer sexy, I'm contagious, I'm no longer fun, because I have to answer medically inclined questions, and educate you, hold your hand, I'm bogged down with catering to your needs. I'm no longer light hearted, I'm in my head. I'm no longer confident because I'm constantly worried about what you are thinking, if its in your head when you are touching me. Even if you say its fine, I always assume its in the back of your mind, because its in the back of mine. And often, even if its "fine," eventually, its not.

When I don't disclose. Which has ever only happened twice for me. I get to have fun, and be myself. Without the pain and worry. Not saying it out loud allows me to let it not be real for myself, as well as you and that's what is so important to understand.

She probably (as you describe her incredible self) wants to be herself. And once the reasonable deadline passed, there was no "appropriate time" and in exchange she was able to be herself with you for two years, although I imagine it was eating her alive inside. Because she still isn't sharing a part of herself with you. A form of trauma and a defining moment in her life has been skipped in the timeline you know of her. That must have been difficult to suppress being able to express and share with you. Just try to understand, most of the time, its more about taking care of ourselves than it is about taking care of you. Which isn't fair. But, if she has had any experiences like I have had, no one ever takes care of us, because we are too busy taking care of everyone else. And in that state you never get to just... breathe. So she took care of herself because someone had to.

She does not deserve a full pass. A responsibility is on us despite how unfair, and we need to follow through. You have every right to be upset, devastated even. But just know that we are human, and make mistakes, and have shame, and want to get to be ourselves and have that be enough.

This is almost exactly what I have been battling for weeks now.  It is heartbreaking.  The feelings of doubt will be with you for a while.  I was to the point of telling her to get out of my house and filing for divorce before the sun set.  

It hurts, its painful, its heartbreaking for the one person you love not to tell you about something that like you said, I would have looked at it on google for an hour and said "ready to fuck"?  

I have questioned and dug into every aspect of her past and for the most part she has been honest with everything else.  She is loving, she is caring, she is way way more sexy and beautiful than I should be able to catch.  It is going to eat away at you for some time.  Just remember, going forward YOU resume all risk and know what you are getting into, so in all honesty it is like a reuniting of sorts.  Thats how I finally had to see it for myself.  

I still have days that I resent her (and my tests aren't even back yet), i don't trust her, I catch myself questioning her about stuff I had never questioned about before in 2 years.  At least she did tell you, my wife told me she just "held out on me" the one time she felt an OB coming on and doubled down on her meds.  

I was going to be with her for the rest of my life hopefully before this and if I can truly let it all go at some point and completely stop the resentment then I think we will be together forever, because in 2.5 years together that is the first argument, fight, or cross word we have ever had.  

And just FYI, it was eating her up inside every time you were together, every time she had an itch, every time you were intimate in anyway.  I know that because my wife finally admitted that to me.  She was selfish, untruthful, dishonest and any other word you can come up with for a liar.  She admits it and I really do believe her when she says she is sorry.  It doesn't excuse it in the least, and you have every right to question any part of what she says until she has paid her dues for not being honest with you.  I even told my wife, if I can't let it go I am not going to hold you in this relationship and badger you and us both be unhappy forever.  

@BBB363

I completely understand how you feel. I have contracted HSV from my boyfriend of 1 year and  I found out only because I’ve always been somewhat of a hypochondriac and I knew to ask to test for HSV when getting tested. 

About 2.5 weeks ago I went in to get tested and boom positive. I was devastated, how would I tell my boyfriend? Is he going to leave me? What have I done? He don’t deserve this. So many tears I cried. I composed myself & told him 3 days after I after I found out. His response “oh yeah I get cold sores.” 

Could you imagine how I felt? I was confused, because I just went from thinking this was my fault to, WOW you knew this and took no precautions for me! I didn’t know what to say. 

He asked, “are you never going to kiss me again?” I love the guy so no, that’s not how I am. He explained that he didn’t know I could get it without him having an outbreak, he hadn’t had one in 2 years. But similar to you, I researched and that’s one of the BIG facts you kind of find out first. You don’t have to have a sore to spread H. 

On one note, I feel like he disregarded my safety. On another note, I feel like he did not research his own care/health. Lastly, I’m just lost on what to think. 

One thing I know for sure is that harboring anger does nothing for me. I’m not mad at him, just not sure what really happened here. I’m trying to make sure we don’t lose the love in our relationship because of this. 

Yes I have HSV, but I am still the awesome, smart, attractive, successful person I was before this and I’ll continue being that person. I’m learning and getting better day by day.

I hope we both continue to maintain magic and admiration in our relationships! 

I will say that a lot of people do actually believe that they can only pass H when they are having an OB.

I was the same because that's what I read 8 years ago, when I first got this, I really did believe that!
So it is possible as like many people with cold sores, they have not had them in absolute years,
so may not of read up on the more up to date facts.

Only this year I have, re-educated myself & that has come out of the ordeal of rejection.

Its a hard one, you can disclose before & lose the person, or you can let them know years later
& betray them.
Cruel & harsh balance,
but once you have been rejected by someone you cared for, it certainly makes its harder to disclose again.

Wish you all the best in all your relationships

Omgoodness.. I just posted a really long comment in response and it posted to another thread 😞

You sound amazing and I wish I could have you for myself.  She sounds like a peace of work... strike one) she knew she had herpes and didn't tell you. People feel for and defend her position because they have done that to someone. I would not do that to someone. Would you? To me,  this isn't just herpes.. it's a sign of what's to come in your relationship when things are hard.  Strike 2) minimizing your feelings of resentment and being neglected to be told. How. Dare. She. I feel she's taken advantage of your good heart since the beginning of this relationship. You are right,  you don't deserve her. You deserve better than her. My having hsv2 made me glad I wouldn't date selfish jerks anymore... I would have left immediately and I did several years ago. A started falling for a guy who had genital warts, we slept together briefly one time and some time later he told me and I let him have it! I would never efffiinngg do that to someone. I'm not a piece of garbage for having gotten herpes but I think not disclosing would make me a piece of garbage. Sorry I'm so harsh to all who have taken it upon themselves to make the decision for someone else but I have been on several sides of this coin and right is right. If you weren't such an upstanding guy,  you'd probably find it easier to forgive her.. but clearly you're a better person and struggling with that. Again, I'm sorry for being harsh. The worst isn't done... people think the worst is risking transmission,  not disclosing,  but I'm telling you all this from the bottom of my heart because the worst would be to be with someone who regularly risks your health and well being for their own agenda. I've been there... and id rather have h and be alone,  hoping someone will look past it and see how great a life long partner I could be. Good luck

On 10/13/2018 at 9:37 AM, Redfaith417 said:

You sound amazing and I wish I could have you for myself.  She sounds like a peace of work... strike one) she knew she had herpes and didn't tell you. People feel for and defend her position because they have done that to someone. I would not do that to someone. Would you? To me,  this isn't just herpes.. it's a sign of what's to come in your relationship when things are hard.  Strike 2) minimizing your feelings of resentment and being neglected to be told. How. Dare. She. I feel she's taken advantage of your good heart since the beginning of this relationship. You are right,  you don't deserve her. You deserve better than her. My having hsv2 made me glad I wouldn't date selfish jerks anymore... I would have left immediately and I did several years ago. A started falling for a guy who had genital warts, we slept together briefly one time and some time later he told me and I let him have it! I would never efffiinngg do that to someone. I'm not a piece of garbage for having gotten herpes but I think not disclosing would make me a piece of garbage. Sorry I'm so harsh to all who have taken it upon themselves to make the decision for someone else but I have been on several sides of this coin and right is right. If you weren't such an upstanding guy,  you'd probably find it easier to forgive her.. but clearly you're a better person and struggling with that. Again, I'm sorry for being harsh. The worst isn't done... people think the worst is risking transmission,  not disclosing,  but I'm telling you all this from the bottom of my heart because the worst would be to be with someone who regularly risks your health and well being for their own agenda. I've been there... and id rather have h and be alone,  hoping someone will look past it and see how great a life long partner I could be. Good luck

I'm with Redfaith417 on this one. I am personally guilty of recently not disclosing. I deeply regret not having had the courage to say something. But now instead I get to deal with even worse shame and guilt for potentially (partner has to wait at least a month to get tested) exposing him against his consent. I think it's very generous for anyone to understand what she was struggling with, as I know I had similar feelings. I had all sorts of reasons that led up to my chickening out. But now in hindsight realized there just isn't any excuse.

I've been spending the past week reflecting on how I failed him and myself. I haven't even tried to get him back. What I did totally blew a beautifully budding relationship apart. As tempting as it was for me to continue the lie until he was more emotionally involved/hooked, I just knew I could not be myself, relish in even the simplest of joys like autumn breeze across my face, let alone build a solid honest pure relationship with him because the guilt just haunted me. All the time, attention and moments just felt like a charade on my part. I would rather lose the loved one based on honesty and reality (albeit belated), than suck my partner into living a lie.  I just don't feel so entitled to people.

I can understand how she could make such an awful mistake as not disclosing right away, and I think it's terribly sweet, generous and forgiving of you to understand where she was at, but I really can't understand her giving you grief for your broken trust. She should be catering to you. But perhaps this is some kind of unforeseen trouble you can invite into your relationship by hiding the truth from a long term partner;  she obviously still cannot respect you, when she should be catering to you for being so forgiving.