Woah.... Am I really here? Is this real?

I admit- I’m a bit of a germaphobe. I purell everything and you probably could eat off of my floor in my home... ok maybe not literally, but you catch my drift, right?

In the past I’ve had an unhealthy obsession with H and swore I had it for months once after and ex woke up with a cold sore one morning. That’s when I went to the dr and asked if I have ever been tested for it. NO of course I wasn’t because it’s not included in the regular STD testing. To my knowledge I never had a cold sore. The inside of my mouth always got irritated but I never looked cause I just thought it was “pizza mouth”. anyway, found out I carried HSV1 and was kinda surprised and then wouldn’t share a drink or anything with friends or family for months. I started to look at the roof of my mouth when it was irritated and low and behold it was all speckled with sores. Only one doctor told me “yeah, that could be H”.. Eventually I got over it. Kinda.

Fast forward to present day....

I have been single for A LONG TIME. I date here and there and for a 40 year old woman that’s never been married I can still count on two hands how many partners I’ve had. I’m not promicuious. Im pretty selective who I spend time with. I finally met a guy who might be the one. We joke that he’s everything I never wanted because he’s not a pretty boy. He’s just a regular guy with a big heart and loves me. Before we ditched the condoms we didn’t switch papers (do people really do that?) but said we have been tested. He said he was clean and I honestly believe he believed that too. He gets cold sores since childhood, that made me feel a little better knowing we share H1.

Recently we had a romp and few days later he got a cold sore. A few days after that i had a strange itch then a burny, sore feeling on the outside. I took a look with a flashlight and was like “ohhhh fudge” ( points if you can guess the movie). I thought ok, hair is growing back from waxing. Maybe it’s folliculitus. The next day i could see the small but flat pustule looking things. This thing was small, like the size of a dime. Honestly, I think most people would have blown it off as ingrown hairs. I got in with a doctor the next day since mine was on vaca and I cried as I told her the story and what i thought it was. She was very sweet as she said it does look like it but also looked like it was drying up and we may not get a good swab. She gave me Valtrex for 10 days and another script with a bunch of refills. I sobbed for a few minutes before i could walk out of the room through reception.

I had to tell my BF. He was confused. How he asked? He didn’t have a sore yet. I explained that most transmissions happen with no symptoms. He also said we would get through it together. It didn’t change anything. (Yeah right) a few days passed and I called for the results. My heart was pounding even though i knew what it was gonna be... I was prepared to hear type 1... the nurse i spoke to was flakey and was like “oh baby it’s positive type 1... oh no I mean type 2” WAIT. WHAT? Type 2?!?! I was like which is it ?! And she said “well it’s down there it’s 2... it doesn’t mater they are the same, you can come get the papers” I had to hang up. I almost threw up. 2?! I was prepped for 1.... 1 wouldn’t be so bad or shed as much... i sobbed more. I called my best friend and then I called him. I could barely say it and when i did he said “I’ve never ever had any sores or puss or anything down there. I’ve used condoms with most people” and I just said I can show you all my past negative tests. My most recent two weeks prior. He swore there’s been no one else since we met and I do believe him when he says he thought they tested for “everything” when you say everything. I said nope. They don’t. He stayed calm and said again we will get through this together and he will go get a blood test. Actually I looked at his most recent papers and they didn’t do HSV. Why?? Why do they not recommend it for type 2???

So here I am... tomorrow I go pick up the papers and I’m hoping that flaky nurse i spoke to just read it wrong (since she seemed confused) and it’s type1... funny, how I didn’t want any, but now just wishing for the lesser of two evils. I also went back to my therapist (after 2 years) today and it’s really helped. I’m still devastated, but i won’t unpack and live here. I won’t. I am allowing myself to grieve and by BF who has such a different outlook on life (like it could be worse and life threatening) knows that i need time to process and cry and go through the motions.... stages of grief? I told him I WILL BE OK. Just right now I’m not and that’s ok too. I just need to find the lesson in this. Maybe I need to take better care of my self. Maybe I need to be less judgemental and according to my therapist i need to love myself too. Even the parts that aren’t perfect. (I apparently have a problem with perfectionism... little OCD perhaps?)

If you got this far, tell me... help me understand... will the trama fade and will i still have my happily ever after? How did you make your peace with the “gift” you wish came with a receipt?

Hi. I know you don’t want to be here, but here you are, so... WELCOME! I think I will send you a private message but what I’ll say here is... yes, you will be ok. Your boyfriend sounds great and your “flaky nurse” sounds confused. Medical professionals can be so disappointing when it comes to their knowledge of hsv issues. She’s just one of many who think, oh, if it’s down there then it’s type 2. From your description of things, it does sound like it is likely type 1. But you WILL be able to get through this once the shock wears off- regardless of which type it is. And no, they don’t test for herpes when people go in and believe they are getting tested for everything. It’s so ridiculous. They only test for it if you have symptoms. In any case, it sounds like you have a great best friend, a good therapist and a wonderful boyfriend. They will be your support system and will help get you through this. The trauma should fade with time, and with the realization that anyone can get this, and it’s just a skin condition. Feel better!