my life is over

I'm only 20 years years old and I just got diagnosed and I feel betrayed and like my life is over. I've only had unprotected encounter 3 times, 2 were with exes that promised they were clean and another was a mistake that I made after a breakup, but I can't help but feel a if the whole thing is unfair. I have friends that have had unprotected sex with 20+ people (mostly random, never long-term relationships) and I had only 1 of those experiences and it was brief and my life has to end because of it. I can't imagine even talking to a guy ever again because I just feel like a walking disease, let alone even telling someone. Also it's not like the person I got it from told me so I don't even see the point if protection is used. Did anyone else get it so young and have a normal young adulthood? I feel like the best years of my life have been talking away suddenly and that I don't deserve it. If anyone can post reassuring stories of younger people getting diagnosed who managed to have a somewhat normal life despite being diseased please do, thanks.

I got diagnosed at 26. Not as young as you but i too thought my life was over and it so wasn't. Does it change dating and hooking up? Of course, but it actually helps act as a reminder to practice safe sex. I still had one nigh things, casual hook ups etc. I'd ask their status, tell them mine and there was always sex after :). I know it's hard to see that now, but TRUST me, you'll be fine and continue to enjoy sex and dating

I was 21 when I found out I’m 22 now, I felt the same way u felt like somebody robbed me of

My best years in life can’t even go my 20s w out stress I gotten better about it I realized everything happens for a reason, thank god it’s not hiv, there’s people walking around w hiv so practice safe, my situation is I got it with a condom how annoying is that I did the right thing and got it so it’s definitly inevitable , you’ll get better with it may I ask which one u have ?

Your life won't just be "somewhat normal".

If you can accept yourself as the person you are, and give yourself permission to see yourself as the desirable, smart, kind person you are... You will have a somewhat acceptional life.

Herpes isn't going tp stop you from being who you are. And it's not going to stop you from doing what you want to do.

But

If you are a person who chooses to let fear and anxiety rule over you, you won't ever get the chance to see how small a deal herpes is.

If you decide not to try to do the things you want to, or try to ignore your desirable qualities, you won't ever get the chance to find out how simply great things can be.

It's a matter of perspective and decision making.

If you try, you'll see that you are just as good at everything you've always been good at. And just as bad at things you've always been bad at.

If you set aside your fears and look at what you CAN do, you will realize you CAN do all of the same things you always have done.

True, you will need to take an extra step here and there because of the diagnosis.

If you respect others' right to consent, you will need to disclose before you get intimate.

If you are concerned about transmission, or managing symptoms, you'll need to take a suppression medicine like valacyclovir and insist on using condoms.

And you'll have to wash your hands regularly to prevent spreading the virus to new parts of your own body accidentally (but really only at first, and it's really not that likely to happen).

That's all really easy stuff.

The hardest one seems to be disclosure, but there are so many success stories for men and women especially near your age that it's not that big a deal. You will find that there are plenty of people who understand that herpes is not worth fearing. You'll find that the right kind of people, the good, decent, strong kind of people, will at very least admire your courage and compassion when you disclose to them.

But it all starts with you needing to decide that anxiety and fear don't make your decisions for you.

If you need help doing that, I'd recommend continuing to go to work/school/etc as normal and really observe your ability. You'll see nothing has changed.

I'd also recommend that you plan to do something fun for yourself, whatever that is. It will give you something to look forward to, and help you to steer your view of the future toward something more positive.

Herpes isn't about coping, or healing, or dealing, or managing.

It's about learning how to like yourself, flaws included and about being able to picture the future yoy want so that you can make it happen.

@regularguy - I really love your comments! Thank you for your insights and positive words!

@FunnyGirl

Thanks for the kind feedback!

I hope we get to hear back from @why and learn that they have gone on to grab their life and their perspective with both hands, steering it into something really great!

It already has hindered my life. @regularguy , While I appreciate the perspective I still think it's a little different for someone like me. I was 17 when l lost my virginity and 18 when I was sexually assaulted and therefore I didn't have any sexual encounters for a year. So since I'm 20 I have only had around 2 years of a normal adult life, and even then it was a lot of dealing with the past. Statistically, I have only had an encounter with 1 guy who wasn't a boyfriend, and that makes me really angry how unlikely this is. While you sound encouraging, for me it i quite clear based on my past experiences and the unlikeliness of this happening that is a clear sign that I just do not deserve companionship, happiness, or a fulfilling life, especially since I feel like my life was just starting and it is now effectively over. It is nice that you have hope, but I feel like t the end of the day I just don't deserve any and that I should deal with my unfortunate life in a way that would end it sooner rather than later.

Wait no, your life is not over I felt like that too thinking my life is over and it’s far from it takes a little time to heal from it but you will resize its really not a big deal yes it’s unfortunate u got it at a young age just like I did and millions of people do but u don’t have to feel that way it’s up to you to be happy and not feel like your life is over

@why

I'm sorry to find out that you are feeling so low right now.

I can see that you have endured a lot of hard times, despite bwing so young. It's really unfair that bad things happen to good people.

But I want you to know that what you're dealing with is somethingany of us here have some familiarity with. You may even find that there are a lot of people who have experienced very similar circumstances to where you find yourself. I don't imagine that offers any comfort, but there are many people who have endured so much and then found themselves living very fulfilled lives, regardless of the hardships.

If it helps, I considered shooting mysef no more than six months ago.

Not because I felt like I was a bad person, but because I couldn't imagine myself ever doing the things I used to enjoy, and because I thought I would never be able to achieve any of the goals I had been working toward.

Fortunately, I decided to really test myself by taking on way more responsibility at work than I thought I could handle, while simultaneously going to college, and writing a book. Just to see how miserably I might fail at all those things. But I found out I was wrong. I didn't fail. I didn't do amy worse or any better than I would have done.

So, I decided to give myself a chance to have some relief from my own negative self-image I had adopted after my diagnosis. That was really difficult (still is sometimes).

But I kept pushing myself to make bigger steps toward doing what I want to do and being who I want myself to be. I'm not really sure how good I am at achiving the long term stuff, but the goals I set so far for 2017 and 2018 are coming together. Relationship included.

If you test yourself, you will find the same is true for you.

You are still slart, capable, valuable and desireable.

Fate, circumstances and bad luck can't change those things about you. Only your decisions and your choices influence those things.

I know I come off as overly enthusiastic often, and it can seem like I don't have anything big to worry about. A major contributer to that is the fact that I decided to put the past behind me and have become keenly aware of my actions and their impact on others, as well as my own mortality.

The bad stuff that happened doesn't excuse me from a responsibility to be a good person. It also doesn't make me any less of a good person, either.

The bad stuff that happened didn't have a good reason for happening either. It's just things that happened.

I'm still a good person. I can do good things.

Just like you are still a good person, too.

Hi there, no your life is not over and you are not the only one to experience adversity in life. The field I work in shows me major adversity that people face on a daily basis at all ages. As for getting herpes so young, I got it at like 17 and from my boyfriend. I remember thinking it was so unfair. I spent my 20's and half my 30's sabatoging my happiness and relationships before fully coming to terms with what I had AND getting comfortable with disclosure. I commented in a post started by @optimist called "successful disclosures female to male" in which I outlined my major disclosures over the past 20 years and how I grew and progressed. I believe optimist listed several examples too. The "lesson" I wanted everyone to come away with at the end of that post was not to wait so many years like I did living in fear and shame because it turned out most people didn't care I had herpes and I was basically accepted right away and had numerous loving relationships. If hookups is your thing there are people who have posted here with similar results. Basically you can have the life you want. But you have to come to a place of acceptance about this.

Hey you commented on one of my posts a couple months ago and I just wanted to check in. Hopefully things have been going better for you! I'm a 19 year old female college student, and I had pretty similar thoughts to you at first, but life's been great for me! I've hooked up with guys who I've disclosed to and I've actually never been rejected by one! I'm going to be posting my stories within the next couple days, so feel free to stop by my page or message me individually if you wanna ask any questions or need support!

It already has hindered my life. @regularguy , While I appreciate the perspective I still think it's a little different for someone like me. I was 17 when l lost my virginity and 18 when I was sexually assaulted and therefore I didn't have any sexual encounters for a year. So since I'm 20 I have only had around 2 years of a normal adult life, and even then it was a lot of dealing with the past. Statistically, I have only had an encounter with 1 guy who wasn't a boyfriend, and that makes me really angry how unlikely this is. While you sound encouraging, for me it i quite clear based on my past experiences and the unlikeliness of this happening that is a clear sign that I just do not deserve companionship, happiness, or a fulfilling life, especially since I feel like my life was just starting and it is now effectively over. It is nice that you have hope, but I feel like t the end of the day I just don't deserve any and that I should deal with my unfortunate life in a way that would end it sooner rather than later.

@why I feel the same exact way. I was sexually assaulted when I was 19 and 18 when I lost my virginity, since then I've had one relationship and long-term partner, and a handful of encounters since we broke up. Three weeks ago, I contracted HSV-1 from a partner who said he was clean and had been tested, but had oral herpes and went down on me during a time when he was asymptomatically shedding. I feel like it is so unfair. Especially after all the shit I've been through. What were the fucking odds? I still kind of want to end my life. I feel like no one will love me or want to be with me. My health is already pretty shitty so I feel like my chances of reoccurence are really high, especially around my cycle. It puts you at risk for other STDs and cervical cancer. Not to mention how to maintain a low-stress life in this fucked up world? (Which is the bullshit they tell you to prevent outbreaks) I feel you @why. But please don't end your life. I keep trying to think that maybe disclosing that I have HSV-1 to a partner might weed out the people who don't actually value me or really want to have sex with me. There's got to be some hope for the future. You are a bad ass bitch. And so incredibly strong. We're survivors. It is what it is, the past is the past. We deserve better and it is time that we start by expecting respect from our partners and set boundaries by saying "Before we get intimate, I want us to get tested and I ask that you use a condom." Maybe we can push for better sex ed, or be there for other women who will inevitably share our experience. Helping others can sometimes make us feel better.