For years, I found ways to deny that I have herpes. My first herpes outbreak was brutal and traumatic, but after that, I never had another herpes outbreak. At the time of the onset, I was in a committed relationship with a supportive partner. And because I wasn’t having any outbreaks to remind me I had herpes, I did a very good job of forgetting about it. And even when I did feel occasional tingling, itching or discomfort, my mind didn’t immediately think it was related to herpes prodrome symptoms — I just brushed it off as nothing.

So yeah, on one hand the herpes was manageable for me and I was able to move on fairly quickly from it. But on the other hand, I’d had a huge amount of emotion triggered with the herpes diagnosis, and instead of dealing with it, I shoved it back down into my body. I couldn’t deal with it. It was too heavy. Too painful. I wasn’t strong enough yet. And I can have compassion for myself about this — it was a mountain of baggage.

Nevertheless, because I wasn’t dealing with my mountain of shame through having herpes, my body needed another outlet. So guess what? My inherited varicose veins started getting worse. Despite the fact I was losing weight and eating healthier than I’ve ever eaten. Interesting, right? Sure, science would say they’re genetic and inevitably would get worse over time, but I don’t really buy that. Something within my mind/body was causing them to get worse within this time frame. And for me, they were absolutely a trigger for shame. Every message I ever took in from society taught me they’re unsightly, disgusting and should be hidden (sound familiar?).

From my place of reflection today, I find it just too coincidental that the varicose veins started to get noticeably worse around this time. It was like my body said, “Damn. She’s not dealing with the shame through the herpes. Well, let’s make the veins worse and see if she’ll process some of that shame and self-loathing now.” Fascinating. What’s strengthened this theory is the fact that once I really started to deal with the shame through joining the herpes support forums, talking with Adrial, writing the blog about curing herpes shame and doing the herpes interview video, I experienced a shift in my perception of my veins.

I started tapping into some awesome self-love, and began to see my legs through a different lens – with love and compassion instead of shame and self-loathing. Think about it: my body didn’t manifest cancer or diabetes or something else that gets compassion from society. Nope, when I didn’t deal with the herpes, my mind and body manifested shameful varicose veins. I had to start dealing with my deeply layered shame that was building up like a pressure cooker. That emotion had to go somewhere.

So now that I’m on the other side of all this, here’s my whacky idea: Because I’ve finally dealt with the majority of my shame, guilt, self-loathing and self-doubt through tackling the herpes, my belief is that my body isn’t going to need to process it through my vascular system anymore. I can finally handle my emotions and process them gently and easily. I don’t need to bury them, meaning my body doesn’t have to find a way to deal with it physically.

Call me crazy, but I really do believe I’m going to be able to heal my veins now. Because I dealt with the root issue that was creating them. I got the lesson. No proof yet, but I’ll keep you posted! Oh yeah, and the scientists in Vaccine-land can come out with a herpes cure now. Thanks for waiting for me. I’m ready now.

Much love,
Beckie

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I’ve had herpes for four years now. I take daily suppressive medication (Acyclovir) and that helps to keep outbreaks at bay. Early on, I didn’t have health insurance. I had to find more holistic remedies that didn’t cost me $50 per month. Below are the top herpes treatments that I’ve found and that work for me. There are plenty of others that you can find online, but I can’t speak to their efficacy.

#1: Tea Tree Oil and Eucalyptus Oil

Tea Tree Oil  and Eucalyptus Oil are essential oils that have antiviral properties when applied directly to a herpes blister. The positive effects of tea tree oil and eucalyptus oil were reviewed in a 2001 study done in Germany. They each help to dry out the blister and speed healing, as well as provide some soothing relief of the pain and burning accompanied by an outbreak. The major con is that there is a very strong odor associated with both tea tree oil and eucalyptus oil, which can be slightly off putting, unless you like the smell. They are both effective, but I prefer tea tree oil. There is no need to use both, using one is sufficient. Make sure to wash your hands before and after application of the oil. I use Q-tips to apply the oil and throw away each Q-tip after use. NEVER dip a used Q-tip back into your bottle of essential oil. I’ve found that using tea tree oil shortens the duration of my outbreaks and helps the sores heal more quickly.

#2: L-Lysine

L-Lysine is an essential amino acid that promotes membrane health. When taken orally (approximately 1000-1200mg daily) it can help to inhibit viral shedding and prevent outbreaks. L-Lysine has antiviral properties and also helps inhibit the effects of L-Arganine, which speeds up viral production. L-Arganine is found in foods like chocolate, red meat, fish, poultry, wheat germ, grains, nuts and seeds, and dairy products. Since L-Arganine is found in so many foods, as well as being produced naturally by the body,L-Lysine is important to take as a daily supplement. L-Lysine is available over the counter at most grocery stores, vitamin shops, or pharmacies. It is often available as an “immune booster” formulary with things like Echinacea or Garlic, which are perfectly fine.

#3: Stress Management

Stress Management is probably the most important of the techniques. In a 2001 scholarly article by JH Gruzelier, a study was cited in which participants in a 6-week self-hypnosis training saw a 50% decrease in herpes outbreaks. Increased stress leads to increased outbreaks. Use of stress management techniques such as self hypnosis, guided imagery, exercise, or deep breathing can help to reduce outbreaks. Things like cigarette smoking should be avoided because nicotine actually triggers the body’s stress response. If you don’t know how to practice self-hypnosis, find a hypnotist in your area and schedule a session. Meditation is also helpful, so a yoga class would be a great alternative. The most important thing is to keep emotional stressors to a minimum and to manage stress as it comes rather than letting it build to an explosive level.

This is by no means a comprehensive list. These are just things that have worked for me over the last four years. If you have another holistic remedy that worked well for you, I encourage you to comment or share it on the Herpes Opportunity forums. The more we can learn from each other, the more we can help each other be the healthiest and happiest we can be.

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“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” — Anais Nin

I would be lying if I said getting herpes was the best thing to ever happen to me. Much like I would not say being divorced was the best thing to ever happen to me — three times. (But that is another blog altogether.) What was the best thing to happen to me though was what I learned from those experiences. As painful as they both were to deal with, and as much as I thought “my life is over” after each event, I realized that hidden within those experiences were lessons waiting for me to learn. I learned we are the masters of our destiny and also of our mind. We choose what we think, how we feel, what we believe, and how we are going to react in any given situation. The experience of having herpes is no different.

I remember getting the herpes diagnosis. It was on the heels of my son leaving home, which, to my surprise was a rather traumatic event for me. My reaction actually caught me off guard. As I was coming to terms with the ending of that part of my life, my marriage, my third and the one that I honestly thought was going to go the distance, dissolved before my eyes in a matter of two weeks. I was devastated and was at what I thought was my lowest point. I was to discover there was one point lower … At the end of November 2011 I noticed an irritation that just wouldn’t go away, no matter what I tried. I rationalized, bargained with God and prayed that it wasn’t what I feared it was. A herpes outbreak? You see, I had a partner 10 years previous who had herpes. My fears came to life on December 3, 2011 when I sat in the doctor’s office and I got the verdict: I have herpes. Welcome the bottom of the lowest point in my life. As I was considering my life of celibacy and rejection, I reached out via the internet. Low and behold, contrary to my belief, I was not the only “damned one” on this planet. There are many people with herpes. Thus began my unfolding and blossoming.

My journey had taken many twists and turns until one day I found myself sitting in a meeting room in Raleigh, North Carolina with a bunch of strangers who, after a few short days, would become part of my soul. When I first heard of the Herpes Opportunity, I was skeptical. I had no idea what it was about. I was in Canada on the other side of the country. Honestly, was I going to travel all the way to North Carolina for some herpes weekend? Turns out, yes — and I am so glad that I did. I got so much out of one short weekend. It is hard to describe what it is like but I’d love to share what I came away with …

The experience of the Herpes Opportunity weekend is something that is unique to each participant. It’s like listening to a song. It all depends on where you are in your life and the experiences you have had. The song may mean something different to you depending on what is going on in your life. The Herpes Opportunity weekend is like that. It all depends on where are you in your journey of healing, which makes it such a unique experience for each participant. This is not your typical workshop where you sit and listen to lectures. The weekend starts by you getting to know each other and developing a sense of trust and safety … and then the adventure begins.

I had so many takeaways from the weekend. For me, the biggest take away was learning to become more loving and accepting of myself and realizing that we all share so many of the same feelings, fears, insecurities, and false beliefs. When one person healed, we all healed. There is something about the group dynamic that is so amazing. I also realized there is something beautiful in just being with another person in their grief and pain. And when I realized how beautiful that was for someone else, I was able to extend that to myself. I have learned to sit with my emotions, whatever they are, and accept them as they are in that moment without judgment. By honoring my feelings, I can let them be expressed, heard and then pass.

After the weekend, I was so open to pushing my comfort zone to see what was possible. My heart was open and I was eager to try new experiences and to stretch myself to see what I was really capable of. Upon my return, I took a Nidra class, a tai chi class, a few kundalini yoga classes, attended a drumming circle and a chakra clearing meditation class. I have become more comfortable being uncomfortable and trying to see where my limits really are. I am now challenging my beliefs about “what is possible for me.” I am far more open in telling people I have herpes as well. I used to be afraid to have people know for fear they would judge me and reject me. Now I am doing YouTube interviews! If you would have asked me a year ago if I would do that sort of thing, it would be a definite “Are you insane?” Even now, it certainly pushes my comfort zone, but now I am open to it. I see my discomfort as more of a challenge than a limitation.

This herpes thing can be the worst thing to ever happen or it can be a blessing. The only person who can determine that for you is you. You can choose to be a victim or a victor. You can choose to see herpes as an opportunity or a limitation. It’s all in how you choose to look at it. If you are curious to see if maybe there is a way to loosen the hold that shame has on you around herpes, I would encourage you to push your comfort zone just a bit and come out to the Herpes Opportunity weekend. You can feel the fear and do it anyway, just like every single person who attended the last weekend in January did. Each of us was uncomfortable and unsure of what we were getting into, but we came anyway. And in our discomfort, we found healing, love and acceptance. Listen to that small, still voice within you. If this is an experience that both scares you and excites you all the same, then take that leap and see what is possible. You will be so glad you did.

“It’s impossible,” said pride
“It’s risky,” said experience
“It’s pointless,” said reason
“Give it a try,” whispered the heart
— Author unknown

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BSIP / UIG via Getty

No, we don’t mean that advertisers went into the lab and genetically engineered herpes in order to sell herpes medication. We mean they invented the idea that herpes was a thing that people should worry about.

Don’t worry, only 85 percent of people can expect to catch this.

Well, how can that be possible? After all, chances are that when you hear the word “herpes,” the first thing you think of isn’t cold sores. No, your mind immediately jumps to oozing, pulsating herpes sores all over your junk. On the list of places where itchy, nasty sores would be most inconvenient, your wang (or your lady wang) comes in second only to “all up in your asshole.” But it gets worse — not only are the sores disgusting, but you also have to deal with the negative social stigma of herpes that comes along with having the “crotch rot.” People with herpes live in constant fear of others knowing it, sometimes becoming depressed, joining herpes support groups, even contemplating freaking suicide. Of course we should all be worried about herpes, right? It’s a disease!

BUT it actually came from …

Back in 1975, Burroughs Wellcome developed a drug that helped herpes sufferers by relieving their symptoms. The good people at Wellcome had one problem, though: The world gave precisely zero fucks about their new drug.

“A little blue pill that doesn’t make my dick hard? No thanks.”

How is this possible, you ask? Didn’t people have herpes back then? Well, the disease has been around for freaking ever — 2,000 years, if we’re going by the first time someone scratched his balls and then decided to make note of it on official record — but the thing is that herpes, both oral and genital, was never really seen as anything more than a sore in an inconvenient place, no more embarrassing than a zit. Herpes was so insignificant that common medical textbooks of the day didn’t even mention it. Hence, when people came down with sores on their mouth or down where the sun don’t shine, they didn’t think twice about it, not even realizing that these sores had a special name.

Jupiterimages/Comstock/Getty Images
“I just covered up with a giant hippie bush and figured that was the end of it.”

But then Burroughs Wellcome had a bright idea for how to market their drug for a disease nobody had heard of or cared about: They launched an ad campaign educating people about the difference between a normal cold sore and a “stigmatized genital infection,” which would make others treat you as if you had come down with a case of radioactive crotch.

The ads worked wonders. People with herpes felt (and to this day continue to feel) ashamed that they’d come down with it. They bought the drug in droves — a drug which, by the way, obviously did not cure herpes. Burroughs Wellcome thus came to invent what’s known today as “disease mongering,” which is basically making you feel like a social dipshit because of a common physical illness — sadly, a move that likely doesn’t even break the top five list of douchiest moves by pharmaceutical companies.

Jupiterimages/Creatas/Getty Images
“We’re renaming acne ‘deathface murderplague.’ That should do the trick.”

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I have had a quantum shift since finding Adrial a few short weeks ago via his Herpes Opportunity interview on The New Man podcast. Like, we’re talking “skies-parting-angels-singing-miracle” shift here. Finding and listening to that podcast was surreal. I was blown away with Adrial’s courage to face his herpes diagnosis head-on, and then, to turn around and do something transformative with it. He did something unfathomable to me given the level of shame I’ve carried regarding having herpes for over 5 years. I’ve been able to shift a lot of things in my life through diligent inner spiritual work, but not this. Not this deep, dark secret named herpes. I didn’t have a template, a mirror, the way. Until now.

What Adrial and Beckie talk about in the video:

• Why recording this video is such a huge step for Beckie’s herpes healing process
• Her touching story behind why getting herpes was so difficult for her
• What seeming “corny cliché” was the secret to Beckie’s transformation
• Why being open to the possibility of being lovable is the first step to healing
• How herpes is like a magnifying glass
• How the fear of “people might find out” is actually holding us back from living fully
• How Beckie cured her herpes shame in 2 months after seemingly trying everything else first
• The “snake-in-a-dark room” analogy and how it “sheds some light” on herpes

 
[continued from top]
Finding Adrial and eventually having a Skype coaching session with him provided me with the missing puzzle piece. And specific to my situation was the fact that I hadn’t yet had the herpes talk to a man other than the guy I was in a relationship with during my first herpes outbreak. After that long-term relationship ended, I went into shutdown mode. I told myself I was open to finding love again, but I really wasn’t. It’s taken me three years of intensive inner work to remove all the blocks I had to love, but I’m finally open again — sexually and in all other ways. I’ve finally gotten to that place of empowerment within myself to attract the guy I really deserve to be with. I would have been settling if I’d gotten into a relationship before now … the shame would have caused me to settle.

Disclosing to Adrial was extremely powerful. He was able to receive me with love, compassion, non-judgment and empathy. Something profound shifted after this. I’d finally experienced a template of a man who could hold and honour this part of me. What that’s done is raise the bar as to the type of man I’m going to attract because I’m not going to settle for less than this now.

Not only that, but becoming part of the Herpes Opportunity community and meeting other empowered people on the herpes community forum has helped me squash the perceived mountain that herpes represented in my life. In a very short amount of time, I’ve taken back the power that I’d given to herpes, and for the first time in my life, I know I can do anything.

I’m not over-exaggerating when I say I feel like I’ve gotten my life back.

Already I’m having beautiful new people and opportunities coming into my life. It’s like conquering this has opened the floodgates to my highest potential, what I’m truly capable of creating. For anyone reading this debating about whether or not to take that next step and book a session with Adrial, do yourself a favour and book it. You will no doubt benefit from it, but if you’re ready for it, it could be the life-changing shift you’ve been seeking. Much love to you all!

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It is easy to get sucked into the negative when you get a herpes diagnosis. I remember the day that I was diagnosed. I was at the health center at my university and I had the most horrific first herpes outbreak anyone could imagine. Two solid weeks of not being able to sit, lay down, use the bathroom, or shower without excruciating pain. Not to mention the accompanying nausea, fatigue, and general feelings of misery. The nurse gave me the diagnosis and I felt my heart hit the floor. Who would want me now since I have herpes? With shaking hands I dialed my then boyfriend’s cell phone number. “The rash I have? It’s herpes,” I said, cringing with every word. “I had a feeling that’s what it was,” he replied calmly. “Are you mad?” I asked. “No sweetie,” he said, “you’re still the same person you were an hour ago. It’s just herpes. It’s not life-threatening.”

I was shocked. I was expecting anger — even fury. I spread herpes to him unknowingly because I didn’t recognize the symptoms, and here he was reassuring me! Together we researched home remedies and information on herpes that was now a part of both of our lives. We supported each other through our first outbreak and subsequent herpes outbreaks, until we finally went our separate ways a few months later. It was wonderful to have someone who understood what I was going through. It was even more incredible to have a partner who cared about me and supported me through a period of pretty intense anger and self-loathing. I felt dirty. I felt unlovable. I felt unattractive. He helped me get through those feelings, at least temporarily.

It wasn’t until I attempted to get back into the dating scene that I realized that not everyone was so understanding. I was rejected countless times. It got to the point that I started disclosing on the first date just to get it over with. My reasoning was at least if (and when) he rejected me, at least we would have only wasted one date. All those feelings of inadequacy, self-loathing, and depression came flooding back. I became convinced that I was never going to find someone who would want to “deal with” my condition. I felt myself descending into what I have now termed, “the yuck.”

The yuck is a place of toxic feelings. It harbors the helpless victim mentality and feeds into feelings of anger, resentment, blame, and sorrow. It is easy to get trapped in the yuck. It’s like quicksand. One minute you’re doing okay and then as soon as you have a bad date, an outbreak, or even hear a herpes joke, you’re right back down in the pit of despair. I felt broken, worthless, and alone.

Gradually, I started to learn more about herpes. I learned about herpes transmission rates and ways to keep outbreaks under control. I learned that there were herpes dating sites and herpes support sites for people with herpes. I found a therapist and did some hard work with her, including letting go of my anger at the guy who raped me (which is how I ended up with herpes). I started to grow. I decided that I needed something to represent my new outlook on life. I’m a firm believer in body reclamation, and for me, that sometimes takes the form of tattoos.

The tattoo of the lotus flower on my right shoulder.

Halloween 2009, three months after my rape and one month after my herpes diagnosis, I decided to get a lotus tattoo on my right shoulder. The lotus flower grows in the mud in shallow water and does not bloom until it reaches the surface. While it’s growing, the flower petals are safe inside the blossom, which keeps them from getting stained by the mud. I always loved the symbolism of the lotus flower, but I didn’t realize how accurate the metaphor was for me until about two years later. I battled my anger, my resentment, and my self-consciousness many times over those two years. Healing is not a linear path. There are twists and turns, forks and loops. It took a lot of tears, many sleepless nights, and a lot of support to get me to where I am now.

Underneath the lotus is a Tibetan Buddhist mantra: “Om Mani Padme Hum.” This mantra is a devotion to Avalokiteshvara, the bodhisattva of compassion. It serves as a daily reminder that I cannot know where someone else has been or what has led them to this point. It encourages me to show compassion to others as well as myself.

Thanks to Adrial and the Herpes Opportunity, I found the strength to “come out” about having herpes. I told my friends, family, and the internet. I have to say, I have never felt so free in my entire life. It feels wonderful to be able to speak openly about having herpes, instead of saying the word in hushed tones while constantly looking over my shoulder wondering who might be listening and judging. I look forward to talking about herpes during my weekly Skype call with Adrial. I get excited that other people will see our videos and hopefully crack a smile or giggle at our silliness. I feel genuine and authentic, which is a huge improvement over the way I felt when I was still “in the yuck.”

I encourage everyone to take time to reflect on where they are in the growth process. Are you still in the yuck? Don’t worry, there are others there too and you can help each other grow. Are you growing but not quite at the surface? Reach out and let people help you. And to those who have blossomed: Share your beauty with the world. Don’t be afraid of your roots. Remember them; because they are a testament to your strength and perseverance throughout this journey.

Ashley Manta is a feminist sexuality educator, certified consulting hypnotist, and sex-positive pleasure advocate. She has given presentations on topics including sexual violence awareness, positive body image, and sexual empowerment. She is available for a variety of  workshops which you can find on her website or you can follow her on Twitter @ashleymanta.

______________

Added by Adrial:

Our herpes community forum member DrSuz emailed me this after watching the video:
“Adoring the Skype party with you and Ashley. Pure positivity! Here is a favorite poem very pertinent to topic of this video. Enjoy!”

Sweet Darkness

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.

Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.

There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.

The dark will be your womb
tonight.

The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.

You must learn one thing:
the world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.

— David Whyte
(House of Belonging)

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Topics covered:

• herpes viral shedding
• the herpes vaccines being developed (might be on the market in as little as 5-10 years)
• herpes and sex with a herpes-free partner
• herpes medication
• herpes transmission rates
• last but definitely not least — herpes and oral sex (the answer to this one will surprise you!).

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98-99% of the cases of oral herpes (cold sores) are caused by HSV-1, not HSV-2. (Download the helpful handouts here for more helpful herpes statistics.) According to Dr. Peter Leone, there should be no reason you should avoid receiving oral sex from your partner just because you have genital HSV-2 (of course, avoid oral sex during herpes outbreaks). Even without using dental dams or condoms during oral sex, you run only a 1-2% risk of your partner getting HSV-2 in their mouth because HSV-2 has an overwhelmingly huge preference for the genitals.

What about if I have genital HSV-1? Read this article for more on oral sex and HSV-1 »

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My plan this week was to write a blog about celebrities with herpes (oral or genital). It was my hope that by putting additional faces (especially famous faces) to this condition, we could feel a sense of camaraderie. I hoped we would be able to see that there are plenty of successful people with herpes and seeing that would give us hope. I underestimated the power and bias of the media. The media is to celebrities with herpes as society is to individuals with herpes. Mean, nasty, hateful, and just plain not nice. I had no idea what I was in for when I started researching for the article. Step one: Google “celebrities with herpes.” Here’s a partial list …

• Anne Heche
• Cheryl Crow
• David Beckham
• Victoria Beckham
• Katie Holmes
• Alyssa Milano
• Jessical Biel
• Jessica Alba
• Mariah Carey
• Scarlett Johanssen
• Derek Jeter
• Robin Williams
• Michael Vick

The only one that seems to have “come out” of her own accord was actress Anne Heche. She wrote a memoir about her childhood sexual abuse and her acquisition of herpes as a result. All the other celebrities seems to have been “outed” by staff or paparazzi, or as the result of suing a former partner for “infecting” them.

I noticed some disturbing trends in my research for writing this blog article.

First, the victimizing language used in the articles. Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Mariah Carey, and Scarlett Johansson are all “alleged victims of Derek Jeter” who, according to these online magazines, has been “infecting” a multitude of Hollywood starlets. You’ll noticed that I used quotation marks just then. It’s because herpes is an annoying skin condition, not a life-threatening illness. (Read the “Power of words“) Yes, it’s yours for life. There is no herpes cure. Neither is there a cure for HPV, the flu, or any other viral infection. Either it goes away, or it stays with you. There’s not much you can do about it. It is not something that has “victims.” Rapists have victims. Murderers have victims. Abusers have victims. One might go so far as to say that cancer has victims. Herpes does not have victims.

Second, the blatant misinformation that is circulating on these websites. Rollingout.com had this gem:

“Even in times when there aren’t any herpes outbreaks, episodes or flare-ups, carriers of the virus must always practice safe sex, even during oral sex, since it can be transmitted from the mouth to the genitals. Condoms must be used consistently and correctly for all sexual encounters, but is not 100 percent foolproof. Imagine having to explain to a potential partner that you have the disease and then sharing the dreadful risks before intimacy — not exactly foreplay.”

There was a great deal of bullshit in that paragraph, so let’s parse it out a bit …

Carriers of herpes do not always have to practice safe sex, especially if they are on suppressive herpes medication and their partners are comfortable with the incredibly low risk of transmission (see the Post-Disclosure Handout on transmission rates). Furthermore, while the virus can be transmitted from mouth to genitals if partner A has oral herpes and partner B is receiving oral sex, if partner A has genital herpes, it CANNOT be passed to partner B via oral sex. That’s a very important distinction. Finally, characterizing it as a disease or “dreadful news” that one must explain to a potential partner keeps the herpes stigma going. Is it a difficult conversation to have? Maybe. Articles like that one make the herpes talk a difficult conversation to have. However, if the partner with herpes is well-informed about the condition itself, the transmission rates, and is willing to avoid skin-to-skin contact with blisters during herpes outbreaks, it can be a very manageable conversation (possibly even a connecting opportunity for deeper intimacy).

The judgment about the sex lives of these celebrities with herpes is fascinating. Either they are cast as helpless victims (Anne Heche) or they are taunted and blamed for their poor judgment and risky sexual behavior. There is a serious amount of sex negativity associated with the transmission of herpes. Writers for these sites seem to delight in the drama that abounds when a celebrity is spotted buying an antiviral medication at the drugstore, or an ex reveals that they were “infected” by their “whoring ex.” Poor Derek Jeter has a flow chart of exes who were alleged “victims” of his sexual proclivities. Maybe Derek Jeter is uninformed. Maybe he’s not on suppressive medication. Maybe he is too afraid to have the herpes talk with his partners because he fears rejection. Let’s not assume that he has nefarious motives or that he is intentionally spreading herpes through Hollywood. Rather than being filled with disgust, as the journalists who wrote these articles clearly are, I am filled with empathy and concern, wondering why someone didn’t explain to him that herpes isn’t so bad, and that it’s okay to talk to partners about it before having sexual contact. I wish someone would tell him that he’s not a herpes perpetrator, he’s most likely just an uninformed person. There are no shortage of those when it comes to herpes in our society. Rather than assigning blame or fault, which we know to be toxic and counterproductive, let us instead strive to open up about STIs and have “the talk” before becoming intimate with a new partner.

While I was reading these articles, the same thought echoed in my head: No wonder people are afraid to come out, to say “I have herpes.” No wonder there are so many people on our herpes forums who feel like their lives are over because of their diagnosis. Society can be heartless and cruel to people with herpes, and I think this article illustrates that vividly. Rather than let that ruin my evening, however, I am compelled to action. Let’s spread knowledge. Let’s spread acceptance. Let’s spread empathy and support. (Download the poster.) Let’s not spread vicious rumors and sex negative attitudes. Who’s with me?

Ashley Manta is a feminist sexuality educator, certified consulting hypnotist, and sex-positive pleasure advocate. She has given presentations on topics including sexual violence awareness, positive body image, and sexual empowerment. She is available for a variety of  workshops which you can find on her website or you can follow her on Twitter @ashleymanta.

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• Debunking some myths about herpes (getting herpes facts!)
• How to shift away from shame and blame and into self-acceptance
• Enjoying sex just as much (or more than before) with your herpes-free partner while still protecting them
• Having the herpes talk
• Using a herpes outbreak as an opportunity to actually have more passion and intimacy in the bedroom
• How to have AMAZING SEX (yes, even with herpes!)
• The importance of a supportive herpes community in the herpes healing process
• Ashley’s process of getting herpes through sexual assault
• The false beliefs around not feeling worthy, being unlovable with herpes
• How to combat the herpes stigma

Ashley Manta is a feminist sexuality educator, certified consulting hypnotist, and sex-positive pleasure advocate. She has given presentations on topics including sexual violence awareness, positive body image, and sexual empowerment. She is available for a variety of  workshops which you can find on her website or you can follow her on Twitter @ashleymanta.

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