Herpes Life

Herpes help: One magic phrase that can change your life

admin — Wed, 16 May 2012 02:01:58 +0000

Did that get your attention? Are you feeling like you’re bashing your head against a wall trying to figure out how to deal with this virus? Are you constantly beating yourself up about where you find yourself right now (“Why did I just have to have sex with that person …”)? There’s one magic phrase that will help with herpes … Here it is (drum roll, please)…

Where all of the suffering comes from is hanging out in the part that can’t be changed …

“If this (If I have herpes), then what?”

Yep, that’s it. Yep, it’s an amazingly powerful and magical phrase. Elegant in its simplicity. How? Let’s break it down into its two parts …

PART 1: “If this (If I have herpes)…”
Say it. Say it out-loud. “I have herpes.” Accept that you have genital herpes. That is done. No amount of self-flagellation will change that one singular fact. You got it. It’s for life. Now that the acceptance part is over with, you move on (quite literally) to the next part of this magic phrase.

Where all of the suffering comes from is hanging out in the part that can’t be changed, beating ourselves up about that person we slept with, if only we could go back and tell them off, if only, if only, if only, etcetera, etcetera … But why are we dwelling on something that’s simply not possible? There’s nothing about a herpes cure on the horizon. And there’s no such thing as an anti-herpes time machine. As far as I know, it’s not even in development yet — The laws of space and time (as far as my calculations show) won’t allow it. Sorry to be the bearer of the truth, but that’s how it is.

Acceptance around simply having herpes allows us to drop that irrational hope of somehow getting rid of herpes so we can live life “like it used to be.” This acceptance around herpes allows us to move into our life as it actually is without the fantasy (Read “Key to being happy with herpes? Give up hope.” for more). Dropping this false expectation allows us to move on cleanly into part 2 …

PART 2: “… then what?”
This is the cool part … This is the part where we get to see our life as it actually is. Hey, everyone’s got stuff, everyone’s got baggage. Ours includes herpes (maybe a few other nice carry-on items). So what are we going to do with our life now that we’ve accepted we have baggage? Yes, life with herpes doesn’t look exactly the same as life without herpes. But what are you still comparing for anyway? (Refer back to Part 1 … no need to compare when it is what it is, right?)

One thing that may jump out at us: Now we have a responsibility to have the herpes talk before we sleep with someone; and hey, I’ll hand it to you: the herpes talk ain’t always a walk in the park; but it’s something we honest people do now that we’ve accepted that we have herpes. Ultimately, just by us deciding to have the talk shows what kind of a person we are. Pretty decent in my book. (By the way, the herpes talk can be a walk in the park if you focus on the right things when you disclose; check out the herpes disclosure e-book for more on that.)

So let’s wrap this baby up: “If I’m in total acceptance that I have herpes, then what?” Ask yourself that question. What does a person who has moved on from having herpes be an issue do in their life? You can be that person right now.

Incoming search terms for the article:

Less herpes shame, more self love

admin — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 15:29:37 +0000

“Shame loves secrets. Shame cannot stand being spoken.” — Brene Brown

The shame of having herpes tends to pull us into our own scary shadows (even though just a few feet away in the light are plenty of people telling you to quit the negative fantasy BS and hear that you’re worthy of a deluge of love.) Shame has us stay blind in the darkness of our own self-defeating mind-cage to try to deal with it on our own (like any strong person should be able to do, right?). But that has us telling ourselves the (false) story that we are alone. We are not alone. YOU are NOT alone! Squash the story! The more you can really allow yourself to get that, the less shame you will have, the more likely you will be to reach out when you need it, the more love will be available to let in, the more healing and growth happens. The more you free yourself of stigmatizing labels, the more free you are to be YOU. And what’s more lovable than that? (Rhetorical question.)

“An addict needs shame like a man dying of thirst needs saltwater.” (Terrence Real)

Brown (whose work also appears in this post) defines shame as “The intensely painful experience or belief that you’re flawed and unworthy of love and belonging.” And what better excuse to believe all those horrible things than herpes? Then somewhere along the line, some less-than-nice voice inside of us got the bright idea that if it shames us enough, we’ll somehow rewind time and be free of this virus. On some level, we believe that if we punish ourselves, the pain will go away. How ironic is that? Much of the pain is self-inflicted and in our own heads anyway. Why do we put ourselves through so much? What happens when we stop beating ourselves up?

How is shame like saltwater to the thirsty?
Brown says “A belief that we’re not worthy of love and belonging is what drives most of the destructive behavior we see.” So true. We seem to by default choose the stick to beat ourselves with instead of feeding ourselves a healthy carrot. We somehow think that if we heap on enough shame, that will make things better, but it’s not quenching our thirst for love. Shame is just making things worse. Like if someone dying of thirst assumes saltwater will quench the thirst; but instead, the saltwater only makes the thirst worse. So it’s not about avoiding the shame by trying to somehow prove our worthiness … You ARE worthy. Period. Know that. Own it. You wouldn’t be feeling so bad if a part of you didn’t already know that. Once you get that you are worthy of love, you will start treating yourself differently, which will pave the way for the love from others to come charging in.

We hear of the stigma of herpes and create a story about ourselves that doesn’t match with who we truly are. Are you stigmatizing yourself? Stop it! You don’t deserve it! Love yourself instead. Be compassionate with yourself instead. It will take you so much further.

Sounds great, but how the heck do I move past the shame?
Think about your healing process in stages of opening up yourself to more and more love and support. If shame is about closing down, self-love is about opening up. First thing I want you to notice: You’re here reading this article. That’s the first step. You’re reading this because you care about yourself enough to feel better and to stop the self-abuse. Good news!

Next steps:

Connect with people who care. Reach out more when you need it. And the reaching out doesn’t necessarily have to have the whole herpes label attached to it; maybe it’s simply going out to lunch with a friend to catch up. Connecting with loved ones is a great way to prove that you’re not alone. The herpes support forum is also a great place to start this process of reaching out to people who get what you’re going through.
Over-the-phone herpes support group. Attending our live virtual herpes support group might be your next step to start talking more openly about where you are with herpes; it’s over the phone, so you can have as much privacy as you’d like.
Get an (h) buddy! We also have a herpes buddy system (contact me directly for that) where we’ll match you up one-on-one with someone else who has herpes so you two can talk about whatever you’d like.
In-person herpes support groups. And there are plenty of in-person herpes support groups out there, too.

When it comes down to it, there are plenty of opportunities to let go of the shame and move into your life. You get to make the decision.

Incoming search terms for the article:

Herpes and love

admin — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 20:48:45 +0000

[Posted on Valentine's Day] Today the world is celebrating Valentines Day (also known as “Singles Awareness Day.”) There’s a lot of talk of lovers loving together in a warm cocoon of lovely love … almost nauseating, huh? If you happen to be single on this day of love (with herpes to boot), it might feel like a cold, lonely day — like the day itself is rubbing your face in your unfortunate singlehood. At first blush, herpes and love might seem to be mutually exclusive: one wipes out the other. But that’s simply not a fair way to look at it when you just want to be happy. Let’s look at how we can turn this beloved holiday into a positive, shall we?

“Self-love is to know that you are completely loved and completely lovable. Upon observing your understanding of your own self-worth, the world mirrors that knowing back to you … Love is attention without judgment.” (Chopra)

This holiday has been billed as a day specifically for couples love. Why so greedy? Why do couples get it all? You can still celebrate it as a day of love: Loving yourself … and you don’t have to be corny about it (unless corny works for you). How has your relationship to yourself been with herpes? For many people I talk with, their default mode is self-judgment, self-criticism, shame and blame. If you can relate to that at all, then maybe self-love can simply mean you get to give yourself a break! Tomorrow you can get back to beating yourself up if you really want to. But today, you put down the flog, regardless about whatever stage of the herpes healing process you are in. Today is all about compassion for yourself.

A post on herpes forum speaks to this unfortunate way we tend to treat ourselves: “And then I thought about me: How could I have such compassion for [someone else with herpes] and be so mean to myself for years about the same exact condition? I would never be mean to anyone in the real world like I was to myself … the horrible self-messages I sent to myself. Reading [another person's] story (and others) remind me where I need to show compassion to myself and how to soften my self-judgment into a greater kindness.”

Deepak Chopra says on his guided meditation for attracting and being in love (video embedded below), “Self-love is to know that you are completely loved and completely lovable. Upon observing your understanding of your own self-worth, the world mirrors that knowing back to you.” Cool, huh? It’s a fancy way of saying that you can’t be fully loved by another until you fully love yourself. Love yourself as you are. Not as you should be. Not as you wish you were. Not as you eventually will be. Love yourself as you are. Right now. Everything. The good, the bad, and everything in between is loved. Because, after all, in the absence of judgment, everything simply is. “Love is attention without judgment.” Wow.

Love and compassion for yourself means first noticing how you treat yourself to begin with. Only things that you are aware of do you have choice about. If your self-criticism and self-judgment stays under the radar of the conscious mind, then you have no choice: The self-masochism continues. However, the moment you notice those abusive voices in your head, you then have the choice to not treat yourself that way. Self-compassion leads to more self-compassion. And a hint right off the bat: Once you notice yourself beating yourself up, don’t beat yourself up for beating yourself up. Naughty, naughty!

And self-love doesn’t necessarily mean forcing yourself to be happy. It’s all about meeting yourself where you are right now. It means being authentic. No forcing, no trickery. Happiness will come naturally. Sadness will, too. What do you need today to take care of yourself? It might be a bubble bath or it might be a 20-minute walk to clear your head. It might mean going to bed early. But be true to yourself. So here’s to you. And to real, deep, true love. The love you have for yourself. Because once you learn to love yourself fully, then that can overflow into one of those nauseously ooey-gooey romantic relationships. *Wink*

Incoming search terms for the article:

Herpes statistics

admin — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 21:35:00 +0000

There are a lot of herpes statistics that are thrown around these days. Here they all are in one place for your convenience. (To see a handy visual chart of population breakdown, download the free herpes disclosure e-book here.)

All statistics below are based on Americans 14-49 years old:

All: 16.2% (over 25 million; 1 out of 6) have genital herpes
(Note: 80% of all Americans have oral herpes)
Women: 20.9% of women have genital herpes
Men: 11.5% of men have genital herpes
Blacks: 39.2% of black Americans have genital herpes (48% of black women!)
Whites: 12.3% of white Americans have genital herpes
80% of Americans with genital herpes (HSV-2) are unaware of their infection (which is why it’s important for everyone to specifically request the herpes blood test with their STD screening)
Up to 50% of new genital herpes infections are caused by HSV-1, mainly through cases of oral herpes being passed through oral sex (Source: The New York Times Health section)

Most statistics above were found on the CDC fact sheet on herpes.

Incoming search terms for the article:

Herpes healing process: The 5 stages

admin — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 20:26:21 +0000

[Note: To be clear, this article is about your process in healing in your mind and in your relationship to yourself. If you're looking for help with the physical part of dealing with herpes, check out these articles.]

When you first get genital herpes, a process begins. This process is known as the Kübler-Ross grief cycle and applies to anyone who has been impacted by a life-changing circumstance, everything from people dying of cancer to people like us dealing with the ramifications of an incurable STD. Also, please read The herpes self-acceptance process.

Onto the 5 stages of herpes healing …

Notice which stage of the process you are in right now. Don’t shame it or judge it, simply notice. The two vital pieces to this process: Awareness and self-acceptance.

1. Denial: a temporary defense for feeling
“I don’t really have herpes. The test was wrong.”
[after an initial herpes outbreak] “That was just razor burn.”

2. Anger: you recognize denial can’t continue
“Why was I such an idiot to have sex with that person?”
“I hate the person who gave this to me. They should pay for doing this to me.” (victim mentality)

3. Bargaining: hope that you can change what can’t be changed
“You know, a cure for herpes has to be right around the corner. Medicine is advancing in leaps and bounds.”
[talking to a higher power] “I promise if I don’t actually have herpes that I won’t have questionable sex with anyone ever again.”
Do you find yourself hoping to change what can’t be changed? Read this post on serenity

4. Depression: giving in, letting go of unrealistic hope that’s holding you back from what is, shedding old belief patterns
“What’s the point? Why bother? There’s no hope.”
This might translate to a feeling of being shut down, numbness, maybe crying, grieving, feeling loss.

5. Acceptance: come to terms with what herpes means in your life, and that who you are is more important than what you have
“Herpes is just something that I will deal with in my life. It’s actually not as bad as I ever imagined. I can move on and live my life. It’s going to be okay. I am okay.”

Notes:

These stages don’t have to occur in order.
These stages can be skipped/revisited.
These stages shouldn’t be forced.
Simply notice where you are right now.

So, what stage are you in now? Notice that without shaming it or judging it. Don’t use the awareness of these stages to further shame or judge yourself. Just notice and allow yourself to be in the process of healing. Take care of yourself. That’s the vital part of this process: Awareness and self-acceptance.

Incoming search terms for the article:

Herpes and serenity

admin — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 17:03:34 +0000

I believe there is truth in everything. This is no exception. The Serenity Prayer is one of those truisms that can apply to so much. So let’s apply it to herpes and see how its truth can help us move past blaming ourselves and hanging out in the past, in the “what ifs.”

Taking this idea to heart allows us to give ourselves the break we deserve. It takes us off the hamster wheel of self-destructive thought patterns and into the reality and beauty of our lives.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

How does this apply to living with herpes?

“Accept the things I cannot change.”
There’s a lot of forgiveness in accepting your own past and the choices you made that shaped your now. You made a decision to sleep with someone. You got herpes. That part is done. Accept that and a shift occurs: there’s no more spinning your wheels, hoping for that time machine or that herpes cure. You have accepted “I have herpes” … now what?
“Courage to change the things that I can.”
It takes courage to move out of being a herpes victim and into being the kind of person who is empowered, able to make decisions that . Changing the things you can might involve changing those disempowering beliefs you might have had about what having herpes or any STD means. Did you used to judge those dirty people with STDs, but then you found yourself being that same person you used to judge? A change of beliefs is in order. And that takes work. But it’s good work. It clears out the cobwebs of beliefs that aren’t working for you. It reminds me of the book The Four Agreements in that you have many, many beliefs (Ruiz calls them Agreements) that have been made throughout your life. Some beliefs are true to you and others aren’t. You get to look at all the beliefs that you both consciously and unconsciously hold and ask yourself if they are serving you where you are now. Have you looked at your beliefs around herpes lately? Are they serving you in moving forward in your life in a self-accepting way?
“Wisdom to know the difference.”
Notice those times that you have that argument with yourself: “This would be so much easier if I didn’t have herpes … If only I hadn’t slept with that person …” Knowing the difference between the things you can’t change and the things you can allows you to put your energy into productive, life-affirming action. And changing certain beliefs around herpes may shine the light on other beliefs you’re holding in other aspects of your life that aren’t helping you either.

Taking this prayer to heart allows us to give ourselves the break we deserve. It takes us off the hamster wheel of self-destructive thought patterns and into the reality and beauty of our lives.

Incoming search terms for the article:

Virtual (phone-only) herpes support group [VIDEO]

admin — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 01:31:10 +0000

Join us for a facilitated LIVE over-the-phone support group for whoever wants to share, however you would like to share. Be there to talk or be there to listen. Be there to support or be there to be supported.

Or all the above.

Click here to grab a 50% off seat »

What you get out of the deal:

A private, safe space over the phone for you to talk about herpes
Either share your herpes story or support others by listening to their stories
Come once or many times
Get herpes information from people who live it
Normalizing herpes and minimizing shame
The support group becomes whatever it needs to be based on who shows up on the call (could include people simply sharing their story and getting feedback from others or could turn into one-on-one or group activities)
Other people with herpes who understand where you’re coming from (there’s always the option at the end of each call to get linked up with people to further the connection)
Continue the conversation on the herpes forum afterward

Here’s what people are saying!

TESTIMONIALS FOR VIRTUAL HERPES SUPPORT GROUP:

“I really enjoyed the herpes opportunity virtual support group tonight. It was a really great experience connecting with everyone, and I like the way you conducted everything. It felt like a really safe, open space for everyone to be.” — DB
“After hanging up [from the herpes virtual support group] tonight, I feel so much better. I can’t begin to explain how much I appreciate this group. Much adoration!!” — JR
“Thank you so much for creating the Herpes Opportunity. It has changed my life. I have had herpes for three years now and there have been tough times with self defeat/shame. I’m recently divorced and have dealt with feelings of ‘who will want me.’ Not anymore. I now see this as an opportunity to a strong, happy, fulfilled self and relationship in the future thanks to you.” — SM
“Thanks again for all of this. It really helped me out in a big way. This is exactly what I needed, what I was looking for. Last night was one of the first times that I didn’t feel alone, and felt accepted with having H. I have been looking for a sense of community since my diagnosis, and I found it here. Just hearing people go through the same trials and troubles that I am going through gave me so much strength and hope that there really are good people in the world. I can’t wait for the next group, to be able to connect with others.” — AF
“Awesome support group!! I loved it. This herpes virtual support group is a means to surround myself by beautiful and authentic people. In our daily lives, we usually have to hide something or appear a certain way for other people. I love this support group because the gap between who we appear to be and who we are is closed. Authenticity shows up. The good, the bad, and the ugly are all there and there is no need to cover anything up. Connecting with other people in this very real container helps me realize that I am not alone and that life goes on for everyone, regardless of what circumstances show up. Thank you so much for creating this safe space to share, deepen my awareness, and move forward!” — CW
“I just want let you know that the group was AMAZING! You really did a great job. I learned soooo much about myself as well as the situation at hand (which really isn’t a situation). I thank you for being there to listen and relate. You are just a blessing. I would like to stay connected to every participant as well as you.” — CL
“The group helped me open up about my herpes. It allowed me to become more comfortable talking about it and dealing with my diagnosis. Hearing others’ stories made me realize on a deeper level that I am not alone. It’s been a real eye-opener for me. It’s great to have a group of people to talk to that know what I deal with on a daily basis.” — JM

Looking forward to connecting with you on the call soon!

Click here to grab a 50% off seat »

Incoming search terms for the article:

Your awesomeness overshadows herpes

admin — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 16:18:19 +0000

What if herpes itself isn’t actually bad? [Gasp] What if it’s just blocking your own awesomeness?

No, this isn’t blowing rainbows, unicorns and puppy dog tails into your eardrums. This is real. This is true. And you know it. You are totally awesome. Own it. It might just be hard to see when your focus is squarely on herpes. But what about focusing on you? What if you are the reason herpes is not a big deal?

If you really, truly realized the depth and breadth of what you have to offer, then herpes simply wouldn’t be an issue. All your awesomeness simply overshadows herpes. I promise you. All you have to do is look …

What you focus on expands. This is true whether you believe it on an energetic/spiritual level (Law of Attraction style) or an in-your-head level. It’s just how our gray matter works. Our brains are wired to go deeper into what we focus on. And the more we focus on something, the greater the resolution gets, the more detail we can pick up. That’s why practicing gratitude has been proven to produce greater amounts of happiness: the more we focus on what we’re grateful for instead of what’s going wrong in our lives, we get into the habit of choosing to see the good that has been around us the whole time. I know I spent many years spinning my wheels focusing on herpes. And it just had me feeling sadder and sadder. And you know what? I realize I was focusing on the sad things. So, what are you focusing on?

The mind microscope. It’s like your brain is an electron microscopes that continually amps up the magnification on your subject of focus. When your super-powerful “mind microscope” focuses only on herpes, then everything else gets blurred, tossed to the side. All the other good things that make you uniquely you seem to disappear from your awareness. If you don’t zoom out and look at the big picture, you might just trick yourself into believing that herpes is all there is. And that’s not a fair assessment of the situation, is it? It’s not looking at your full reality. So if you’re going to use your energy to focus on something, don’t waste your energy focusing on herpes. Focus on yourself. Focus on those parts of you that you know are attractive and worthwhile. What do you have to offer that’s uniquely you?

Let yourself be that person. So do you still believe herpes is a deal breaker? Is herpes a deal breaker for your own happiness or do you believe that herpes is a deal breaker for everyone else? Henry Ford said “Whether you believe you can or believe you can’t, you’re right.” Same logic applies when you consider whether you’re worthy or not: Worthy of love, worthy of happiness, worthy of acceptance. Take this as an opportunity to see yourself as the kind of person who makes herpes a non-issue. (Hint: The good news is that you already are that person; you might just have to dust off a bit of false beliefs before that person is revealed. Has your focus on herpes taken you away from your “you-ness”?)

In short … If you really, truly realized the depth and breadth of what you have to offer, then herpes simply wouldn’t be an issue. All your awesomeness simply overshadows herpes. I promise you. All you have to do is look; Look away from herpes and deeper into yourself. Then herpes will fall away and you’ll be able to focus on your life again.

Incoming search terms for the article:

The key to being happy with herpes? Give up hope.

admin — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 22:50:09 +0000

Are you suffering with herpes? (Key word here being “suffering.”) Well, here’s the secret to moving on, to being happy: Just give up.

Hold on, stop the temper tantrum. Get up off the floor. Let’s be clear: Don’t give up on everything. Keep that good, positive hope. Give up that irrational hope you’re clinging to. That just-out-of-your-reach hope that’s keeping you from moving on with your life. Give up that nagging hope of finding a herpes cure (although it may happen). Give up hope that you’ll never have an outbreak again (although they do lessen with time). Give up hope that one day saying “I have herpes” to a potential partner will be easy-breezy (although disclosing can actually be a connecting experience). Give up hope that at some point, that herpes outbreak won’t impact you in any way (although with time, it impacts you less and less).

Life naturally changes, shifts, evolves. We lose things, we gain things, and through it all we learn to live under constantly evolving circumstances. We learn about ourselves. So evolve! Live your life as it is right now.

Sound dismal? It’s only dismal if you expect that what you’re hoping for is possible. If it’s not possible, then you’re painting yourself into a pretty hopeless corner. It’s like holding out hope to win the lottery, waiting for that day that your true happiness will come. Your life is officially on hold until the lottery is won. You find yourself waiting forever (99.987% odds) — not to mention your numb fingertips from that mountain of scratch-off tickets.

Herpes and colostomy bags
Yes, herpes can be shitty at times (please excuse the necessary language), but this study takes shitty quite literally. A recent study published in the November 2009 issue of Health Psychology journal dealt with adults who had their colons removed. It shows us the “dark side of hope.” Out of the 71 no-colon patients, 41 were told they could have surgery to reconnect their bowels, while the rest were told nothing more could be done — they would have to learn to live with a colostomy bag.

Dr. Peter Ubel is one of the authors of the study. He says, “We’re not saying hope is a bad thing. What we’re pointing out is that there can be a dark side of hope. It can cause people to put their lives on hold. Instead of moving on and trying to make the best of circumstances, you can think, ‘my circumstances are going to change eventually — no point in dealing with these circumstances.’”

What are you waiting for?
So stop waiting! Giving up irrational hope is actually freeing: It frees you up to live your life with your current circumstances. Life naturally changes, shifts, evolves. We lose things, we gain things, and through it all we learn to live under constantly evolving circumstances. We learn about ourselves. So evolve! Live your life as it is right now.

“Worst” case scenario, a cure is never found, but you have learned to live with the fact that this simple little virus is just something to deal with, not worth pausing your entire life for.

“Best” case scenario, a cure is found and you can promptly throw this article in the trash and find somewhere else to focus your hope.

But either way, at least you didn’t wait.

Incoming search terms for the article:

The herpes talk: What are you so ashamed of?

admin — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 18:31:58 +0000

Scenario: You meet someone. You really like this someone. Definite connection. Definite mojo. The time for the herpes disclosure — “Hey, got a minute? I have herpes” — is here. What is this time like for you? What feelings come up? Fear? Shame? Guilt? Avoidance? Those are all common reactions, but let’s dig deeper as to why these might be showing up …

Disclosing is declaring “I care! I choose to be honest, authentic, open with you!” If you’ve convinced yourself that herpes is the poison, then disclosure is the antidote.

Are disclosing and shame the same?

It seems that the disclosure itself brings up a lot of feelings of shame. But what is it that you’re actually ashamed of? Is it the shame of disclosing, the shame of herpes … or both? What does herpes disclosure mean to you? Does it mean that you’re “admitting” to something that is embarrassing, dirty, stigmatizing? Has the act of disclosing become synonymous with the stigma of herpes itself? Or is it just the opposite?

Time for the reframe: Another take on disclosure

Try looking through a different pair of glasses. Here, try these on for fit: The disclosure itself is the beautiful part of this whole thing. Yep. How is it beautiful, you ask? Because it’s you; it’s not the herpes, not the stigma. Don’t lump those together. You haven’t magically become the herpes. Disclosure is you acting on your positive qualities, which might just brighten up the whole herpes stigma shadow. Disclosing is declaring “I care! I choose to be honest, authentic, open with you!” If you’ve convinced yourself that herpes is the poison, then disclosure is the antidote. If herpes is the lie about you, then disclosure is the truth about you. If herpes is the part you don’t have control over, disclosure is the part you do. Disclosure takes your power back and shows your true colors.

If you feel ashamed when disclosing, ask yourself … “Am I ashamed of my honesty? Am I ashamed of my courage, my integrity, my authenticity, my strength, my belief in building a trusting foundation for a relationship?” There’s no shame in who you are (reminder: which isn’t herpes). And the right person will recognize that.

It’s not always easy … but it’s worth it

The possible reactions from disclosing that you have herpes are varied, from outright rejection and wild judgment to unconditional acceptance and angels singing your courage and honesty – and everything in between. There are so many factors that go into a person’s beliefs around herpes (what Oprah says, what their parents and friends have said, the Old Testament, knowledge or lack thereof, Valtrex commercials, the list goes on and on). That’s why it’s helpful to remind yourself that there are two parts of a herpes disclosure: you and the other person. Your half you have control over; their half you don’t. And the more you can be cool with that fact, the more you can be cool with disclosure and whatever comes out of it. Disclosure isn’t always easy, but it’s an opportunity to flex those muscles of who you truly are.

Consider this as an alternate definition of “courage.” Courage is feeling the fear, but doing what you feel is right anyway.